Friday, September 18, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This has not been a good year for living. You can't even get a decent Death Pool going because A. you have too many options and B. they're already dead.

The first song I sang publicly, at age 14, was If I Had a Hammer by Peter, Paul & Mary. I used 3 of my closest friends, (Kathy, Robin and Whozzits) and they sang while I sat in the audience and heckled them with a roll of toilet paper. I'm amazed I didn't get early enrollment into a PhD program at M.I.T.

I directed, performed and produced this sketch and wish I had a copy of it so I could humiliate myself on my own blog. I picked that song because Mary Travers and I had the same hairdo. I think Frank Sinatra picked his songs the same way.

I had another incident with some of the haunted machinery in my home.

I sleep with a sound machine. I always have it on White Noise but if I have trouble sleeping I switch it to Ocean Pounding the Surf and then switch back to White Noise once I'm nearly asleep.

I got up early because the McPoundersons were upstairs dropping their baby on the floor and then I went back to bed a few hours later. I put on White Noise and turned over. All of a sudden White Noise stopped and there was silence for about 3 seconds and it jumped to Ocean Pounding the Surf, which is two buttons away. As per usual, THIS HAD NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Thank God it happened in the morning because the things that happen at night scare the crap out of me.

It has now been proven that men lie 6 times a day to a woman's 3 times. They did tests to confirm this. Either that or they eavesdropped on all my past relationships.

End of chat.


  1. Your sound machine is possessed, and so are your neighbors.

    That is all.

  2. Well, you are hotter than Mary (and not just because she's dead).
    Maybe she's the one in your sound machine!

  3. Anonymous1:47 PM

    How do you know they weren't lying about the test?

  4. Anonymous2:45 PM

    Yes women lie 3 times -- as to age, weight and natural hair color. Also, do you have some kind of advanced surge protector on your haunted appliances? They could be explained by electrical surges, at least that's what a guy told me, and he also said older surge protectors need to be replaced, but then he (being of the male persuasion) could have been lying).
    Aloha, MJ

  5. Not again! I mean what with the possessed CD player and the microwave and now your sleep machine has been re-possessed? Are you sure it isn't his dead wife again?

  6. I didn't know men spoke enough to lie 6 times a day.

  7. The McPounderson's dropping their baby?? Christ- you should be a comic.

  8. I love your ghost stories.
    Makes me feel normal!

  9. You have more encounters with dead people that most morticians! OMGosh!

  10. I sang The Seekers and damned if I can remember the song, since the accident...Morning Train or something. No wait...that was Sheena Easton. Shit.

    I think I have issues.

  11. GHOSTS!!!!ewwww... I love Ghost stories!!! My book is a ghost story!!

  12. mary will be missed... she made ppm what it was :)

    as for your wonky noise generator: you have an odd effect on things electronic, no? ;)

  13. I use a noise machine, too, and now I'm a little scared of it!

  14. Your ghosts scare me. No one should mess with the living's sleep!

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