Wednesday, July 22, 2009

True Lies

I would like to address the people who write TV and movie scripts. What the hell are you thinking?

For example, there's always a cop asking a heartbroken, beat-up, devastated divorced woman if she would like a glass of water. Have you EVER in your life craved a glass of water after getting dumped? Or after catching your husband cheating in your own bed and you've collapsed on the floor, would you want to awaken to a nice glass of Evian with a lemon slice?

How come a woman is never offered a vodka rocks? When my neighbor in D.C. had to tell me my father had just gotten married out of state TO A WOMAN WE DIDN'T KNOW AND HE WAS NO LONGER LIVING IN OUR HOUSE, this neighbor told me to sit down and poured me a scotch. I swallowed it in one gulp and I hate scotch but I was very, very grateful for that drink.

Now they'll give men an alcoholic beverage, no questions asked. In various scenes men repair to bar stools and crack open a cold one, or a 150 year-old cognac if they're at the Mafioso's house and one of them has just shot the other's brother. Are women such delicate flowers that after we kill someone we can only handle a Crystal Light?

Fuckers. Let me write a script and everyone will be drunk from beginning to The End.

"Honey, where have you been?"
"I had to get a mammogram today."
"Sit down, I'll make you an herbal tea."

The other completely retarded thing in scripts is when a man is close to a woman and he says "You smell wonderful; what are you wearing?" and she replies:
"Nothing. It's just me."

Say WHAT? Yes, we may put on perfume or body lotion after a shower and before we see you. Then we both go to dinner and let the smells of garlic and sea bass engulf us. Then we hit the streets where the humidity pounds it all into one emulsion that envelops us like a cape of old sardine tins a cat wouldn't touch. Then we kiss and start to sweat knowing the clothes are coming off soon. By the time we hit the sheets WITH THE LIGHTS ON we need to repair to the bathroom to spray ourselves with Febreze. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SMELLING when you tell us we smell good. And no I won't lie down on the floor and freshen up your area rug. I mean she won't lie down.

End of chat.


  1. Mrs Smith from Oregon had a mammogram today. Bet SHE didn't drink water afterwards....

  2. I'll take a stiff drink any day over a cup of water.

  3. LMAO! Heroin spritzer! You'd be the best script writer. I would pay to see all of your movies instead of watching them illegally online. LOL

  4. Write one already, will ya'?

  5. First of all, my lovely lady with the sun on her skin and absolutely no perfume is the headiest aphrodisiac in the known universe and some parts of Delaware.

    Secondly, she's been asleep or in a coma or something, right? So the dude's just trying to get her to swish the creepies out of her mouth so he can dance the tonsil tango in the next minute or two.

    You have to think ahead. Makes perfect sense. He doesn't care one twit if she WANTS a glass of water.

    That or roofies in the water.... never know.



  6. During the times we are living in, the search for originality has been transformed among artist in a real mass movement, which is common and conventional, that is exactly the same as no-originality.

    Passion can be thought as the state of the mind when it is powerfully acted upon and influenced by something external to itself; the state of any particular faculty which, under such conditions, becomes extremely sensitive or uncontrollably excited; It involves emotions, sometimes irrationality and usually an extreme desire.

    Movies are an art form; Nevertheless a vast amount of people call Hollywood a movie factory.
    This is because movies are being made with formulas that are repeated tons of times, those repetitions include the way scripts are written, the angle cameras are positioned in each scene, the kind of clothes actors use, etc. Given the way people work in these movies they are usually not very interested neither passionate about their jobs; therefore they start working in an automatic way, without getting involved.

  7. Time to write that script baby...and make sure the leading lady is over 19 please.

  8. Omg, will you write the next major motion picture?!!! Our society is becoming dumber by the moment, and we need you to rescue us!
    (After almost drowning on a recent river-rafting trip, I demanded someone drive me to town so I could replenish my booze-supply. A few shots of tequila later, I was ready to go!)

  9. Anonymous8:57 AM

    The screenwriter probably wrote in the liquor originally; then someone messed with it. 'They' always mess with stuff. Bastards.

  10. Wow--someone started their dissertation in your comments!

  11. I'm with modern mom. Over 19 years old and over 19 POUNDS. Another lie when some chick weighing all of 10 pounds talks about how she needs to diet and work out. Honey you too week from starving yourself. Go eat a damn ham sandwhich and drink a milk shake for crying out loud.

    Someone give me a drink!

  12. don't even SAY the word mammogram today.

    And yeah, that reminds me. I need some FeBreeze.

    and a shot of vodka.

  13. I had a friend say he smelled like the outside. What he meant was he smelled like he had been outside, and I knew exactly what he meant. It's not sweat, but just a little touch of perspiration mixed with grass that's been baking in the sun and car exhaust.

  14. How abou tgiving the woman a free pass to beat the crap out of the cheating SOB? That would make her feel better, I guarantee it!

  15. Anonymous11:37 AM

    When I first moved to Hollywood in 1977, I got a job typing scripts at Universal. My favorite writer (Rockford Files) was a woman,Meta Rosenberg. She was brilliant. If a new crook would come in, she described him in an instant. "The guy was a salami." There was another writer. I think it was on some cop show. He would go on and on about how great the new bimbo looked, ending with, "she is full-lipped." Hello. This was 1977. Angelina Jolie had not yet been born, I think. What were the lips full of? Rock on Suzy. With the passing of Bea Arthur, you are our new feminist idol.

  16. I think the script should have the woman accept the glass of water, gulp a huge mouthful of it, and then spit it on the stupid effing moron that gave it to her when they should have given her vodka.

    But that's just me.

  17. what kinda crack is that? :O lol

  18. I'm with Jenn...whoowhat?
    Okay, laughing again, your too funny, oh and correct. Each year my boobs hurt worse after a mammo. I think it's because the more they sag the flatter they can be squished between the two hard plastic sheets. Youch!

  19. I certainly agree that we of the vagina persuasion could use a good stiffy after something bad happens to us -- and by stiffy, I mean scotch, vodka, uzo. And then we must repair to the denizen of other females where we will get the compassion and understanding and sassy girl talk we need. And some Febreze. And Tic Tacs, no doubt.

  20. Febreeze!! Why didn't I think of that... so much more useful than deodorant!

  21. That last paragraph? Well, the whole thing, but the last paragraph? Pure gold. Fucking gold.

  22. Bwahahahaha! Thank you! And the worst offenders lately are the script writers for teen and tween shows. Seriously, have those writers ever been around kids? Were they ever actually kids themselves?