Friday, July 10, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This is number 64 of the Everybody Can Bite Me posts. And I think I speak for us all when I say, who gives a shit? Every time I sit down to write one, all I can think about is how time is whizzing by and I'm still imploring people to Bite Me. I divided 64 by 7 and then by 12 and when I got the totals I had no idea what the totals meant or why I didn't just divide my brain by my ass. At one point I looked at the calculator and was convinced that dividing by 7 gave me 9 years of Friday posts.

It's totally possible that I was held back in school and my parents didn't tell me. Or my mother told me but I couldn't understand her because of her accent.

"You rrrrrrrr being eld back."
"I'm part of an elk pack?"
"Mais non, imbecile."
"No? I look like a seal?

Yesterday I lost my wallet and was pretty pissed. Credit cards, license and all the usual crap. I had Ofelia the manager helping me and she told me the same thing my mom always tells me about lost objects. Wrap a string in a knot (Ofelia said I could use a scarf) and tie it around a chair leg or throw it on the floor. Pray to San Dimas (if you're Cuban) or St. Anthony if you're Catholic or your bartender if you were out drinking the night before. I tossed and turned all night planning my lose-45 pounds-in-2 days-next-DMV photo.

I found the wallet the next morning but was afraid to tell my mother because they're about 46 minutes from sending me to a home already. She claims I take too many pills. What are her morphine pills made of? Kittens?

I found a Xanax on the bathroom floor yesterday. Sometimes my fingers slip with pills but rarely have I had the good fortune to find a Xanax. Even though it was next to the toilet I still picked it up because I have a 5 month rule as to anything that falls on any part of my floors. I once found a perfectly delicious peanut M and M that way.

I want to thank BlogHer for linking my Michael Jackson Memorial post, which I admit was not what the mainstream was reporting and was me ranting and raving against it. I also want to thank Bitten & Bound because in two days I received over 600 hits on that one post from that link and that website. This is the second time in a month BlogHer and Bitten & Bound have come together and linked me and yet I only got 35.51 from BlogHer. FOR FOUR MONTHS.

Sidebar: Can they fire you for having a big mouth? Love you Jenny 1 & 2. Mean it.

End of chat.


  1. I love more every day.

    Even though you eat stuff off the toilet floor. When I come there? We're not sharing a cup....

  2. I mean I love YOU more every day

  3. LMAO @ Braja once again!

    I loved this line 'when I got the totals I had no idea what the totals meant or why I didn't just divide my brain by my ass' Hubby is sleeping on the couch and I woke him up when I burst out laughing at it.

    Congrats on the blogher link.. that is awesome! Tht was a great post too.. it desereved the attention you got.

    We have board meetings in our office going on right now. My super found a blue pill on the floor that had to have come from one of the board members. No name or numbers on it to identify it.. I dared her to take it.. She is no fun.

  4. LMAO at the whole post; great one!

  5. I am still laughing out loud about the peanut M & M.

  6. you really ought to look into being a comedian.

  7. You know, I never find hot bartenders on the floor I can eat. Now I'm going bathroom stall hopping in all adjacent buildings to see what I can find. Did I tell you I'm on new meds?

  8. I'm still looking for the answer to "How many teen girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" And get your mind out of the gutter, please...

    35.51, eh? I guess it will take me close to a year to pay for my blog makeover. I wonder if it is tax-deductible?

  9. i can no longer find anything on the floor... can i blame my new puppy for that?

  10. Not only would I take a xanax that I found on the bathroom floor, I would take a xanax that I found on YOUR bathroom floor.

    I would never turn my back on a perfectly good xanax. NEVER.

  11. I know Braja has dibs on you, Mizz Suzy...but I think I love you. Or I ate too much bacon. but I'm pretty sure it's love...

    Can't eat things off of my bathroom floor - Murphy's law, everything falls in close proximity to the catbox. There's not a drug good enough to be worth it.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (whose word verification "sphinspa" looks vaguely uncomfortable, like something you didn't mean to do in the hot tub and now have to clean the filter)

  12. David9:07 AM

    blogher's rating system of ratings is clearly flawed as evidenced by their failure to acknowledge your magnificent blog. IMHO.

  13. Five month rule uh! It works if you are finding gems like that! Have a great weekend!

  14. Dividing one's head by one's ass is calculus. I'm impressed.

  15. hilarious...sure hope it was just a xanex..guess we will know next post.

    Braja LOL
    Vodka Mom- too funny,

  16. OK wait, do you really want us to bite you? I'm kinda getting mixed signals here. But if that's what you want, I'm totally into it.

  17. Anonymous1:22 PM

    I almost moved away from Hawaii when the DMV here actually MADE ME GET ON A SCALE since they put your weight on the driver's licenses here and didn't believe what I said. (Is it wrong to have placed a curse on the 4'11" bitch/clerk who probably weighed 98 pounds -- that she would buy Doritos stock and just keep eating?)

    My friend, Loren Freeman, swears by asking a deceased relative to help you find things. I usually call on my Grandmother. (Not kidding.)
    Aloha, MJ

  18. Dude, I'd take a xanax I found on the floor anywhere - your restroom, public restroom, name it.

    Your apartment kinda sounds like a scavenger hunt!

  19. Gimme Xanax, what else is there next to your toilet?