Friday, July 31, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Bloggers have, over the years, asked me how I manage to be consistently funny (lie). Did I have any tips for them to bump up their funny? Being lazy, I ignored those emails completely.

A few months ago I decided I did know a lot of tricks of the funny trade and wanted to share them. (lie) But then realized BlogHer 09 was having a panel on the same subject and I didn't want to usurp anything they were doing. Translation: Let someone else do the work.

But after it was over I'm still getting the same requests. What did they talk about during this panel? Anything I can steal and call my own? I do accept anonymous emails you know.

My advice has nothing to do with writing jokes, becoming a standup comic or how to survive living in condos with meth addicts and free-farters or as I like to refer to them, men.

My tips should be printed out and then immediately shredded lest David Sedaris is spending the night at your house, reads my advice and pukes all over them before he dies laughing. And not of natural causes. And if you don't know who he is, I can't help you.

So my Comedy Series will begin next week. GOD I hope I've come up with something by Monday. What's really depressing is that I'm actually funnier in person. Ask my mother, Crabby Appleton the Dream Crusher.

I've ordered t-shirts and already forgotten what sizes I asked for. I did stick a few XXL in there but if I may be so bold, put the cookies down before you die or I have to come to your house and eat them for you.

End of chat.

27 comments:

  1. Oh, I can't wait for that series! It'll be so good! (Oh, and P.S. I know a couple of the people on that humor panel, if you're interested...)

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  2. For heaven's sake, tell people not to explain their jokes while they're telling them. And leading off with "This is the funniest thing ever" is a bad idea.

    A discussion about comic timing would be essential - can it be learned? Or is it genetic? Why are Jews funny? Should knock-knock jokes be abolished?

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  3. You should start a Friday meme "It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday" You could put one of those linky thingies on it.

    ...give it a try. All the "cool" kids linkie!! :o)

    If per chance your still in the blogger virgin mode, pop back to my block to pop over to island life to see the linkie thingie You don't need a condom for it.

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  4. LMAO!!! I scrolled down to see you have been blogging since 2006!!! YOU KNOW WHAT A FREAKING LINKIE IS!!!

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  5. I can imagine how funny you are in person..would love to see you with your mom :-)

    Thanks for keeping me in mind with the xxl :-)

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  6. "Put the cookies down..." hahahahahahah!! Comedy gold!!

    Oh...wait...

    Aww, dang. Is THAT why I have a fifty...er...forty-six...acre ass? And here I thought it was the aliens leaving implants while I slept. Sigh.

    I'm about as funny as a stone, so I look forward to reading your series...not USING, just reading. I find it's best for all concerned if I just step away from the funny, leave it to the pros. Don't want to injure anyone.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who will snap up one of those 2XL shirts and keep shrinking so she can fit into it)

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  7. Looking forward to the series.

    Sedaris is coming to town here in the fall. Cannot wait

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  8. Looking forward to the series.

    Sedaris is coming to town here in the fall. Cannot wait

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  9. Can't wait for the series.

    And I won't need XX T-shirt, but now I wouldn't admit it if I did! :)

    I'll be fine with a Large t-shirt! It's the hooters. I swear.

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  10. I'm not sure if I'm funny or not--I used to think so, but since my kids have spent the last 20 years telling me I'm not . . .

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  11. put me down for an extra small.

    And when I say extra small I really mean large.


    xoxox

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  12. I can't wait for the comedy series!!!!!!!!

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  13. I'm waiting with baited breast. No wait that's not right...bait flavored breath? No that can't be right...Jail baited breast, that would mean I would need younger implants. Well anyway I'll be waiting.

    Do you think some people are just born funny?

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  14. Gladys! It's bait-like breath!

    As far as I can tell by reading, no one did anything at BlogHer except act like fifth grade assholes and steal shit. Wish I could have gone. Sigh.

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  15. Are you kidding?
    This is going to be great!
    Like Christmas without all of that religious stuff...

    Peace - Rene

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  16. I got in just in time-from Fhina's blog, intrigued by the title of your blog. I need a laugh, or I'll bust, and David Sedaris is nowhere in sight.

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  17. OOH I want to learn to be funny! I could do stand-up for my patients then get fired.
    Smart people are funny,or is it Funny people are smart?
    You can't have my cookies!

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  18. Will this will leave my English sense of humour, or will I start wise cracking?

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  19. Yvette5:05 AM

    It's not the cookies, it's the beer! Stella!!!

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  20. I can't wait!! From a free farter living in Tennessee...keep up the good work.

    :)

    Phil

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  21. Crabby Appleton the Dream Crusher.


    hehe. Perfect.

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  22. at 6'4" and some 250#, i may need a XXXL... to allow for shrinkage ;) lol

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  23. Hi, is this where the comedy series is going to be held? What? It doesn't start until Monday? Well, can I just sit here and wait then? I want to be sure and get a good seat. The last humor panel I tried to attend was so jam packed I had to go across the hall to some other panel. True story. Couldn't get in to the one at BlogHer. So I've learned my lesson and brought my sleeping bag if that's okay.

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  24. I'm glad I didn't read this until today (Sunday) because otherwise I would be driving everyone around me insane with my own version of "Is it Monday yet?"

    So? I'm waiting!

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