Thursday, May 07, 2009

Tattoos Are For Losers

I was standing in line at the supermarket and there was a man standing VERY close to me. I moved up a few inches and then he followed me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him staring at my left upper arm. I moved, he moved. I've had 2 stalkers in this neighborhood, one was 16 and one was in this forties and used to stand in line backwards so he could stare at me. It's possible I was naked.

But this new stalker was clearing staring and deciding whether to slap the snake, the tarantula or the swine flu off my arm.

"Excuse me sir, is there something on my arm?"
"Uhhh, yeah."
"Is it a bug?"
"No, it's a weird tattoo."
"I don't have any tattoos. I'm from a good family."
"Well, you got one now."
"Then a woman took out a mirror to SHOW me the tattoo I don't have."
"Ohhhhh, that's a burn." He said.
"A burn in the shape of a belt buckle?" The woman said.
"Ridiculous huh?"
"Don't belts go around the waist?" I asked.
"So you put a belt around your arm and got a TATTOO?" The woman was clearly afraid of me."
"That's a first degree burn." Stalkerwannabedoctor said.
"How do you know that?"
"How long have you had it?"
"I don't know, more than a week."
"Did you put anything on it?"
"You mean like butter?
"Welcome to your first tattoo."

When I finally saw it at my house, I realized I got it from my seat belt. I guess I need classes on how to put a seat belt on in 200 degree heat.


I went to El Shrinko de Mayo yesterday and as I was going in one door, an overweight black guy in the the music business was coming out of the door next to my shrinks.

"How you doin'?" he smiled.
"I'm doin' great, how about you?"
"I'm doing great too."
"I'm lying." I responded.
"Yeah, me too," he laughed.

End of chat.


  1. yeah, that's what I'm SAYING lately, and that's what I'm MEANING, as well.


  2. I love that convo because it is so American. We always say were good. Usually not so much on the inside. Way to connect with a person about the shittyness.

  3. I hate the fact that "How are you" has become part of mundane, trivial, couldnt-really-give-a-shit common place greetings.

  4. On a bad day, when someone asks me How I'm doing, I respond with, "Horrible. And you?"

    They never know what to say.

  5. LOVE the last bit where you each tell the truth about how your day is going!

  6. I hope your tat heals soon and your shitty day too.

  7. Why is raw honest so funny?

  8. Ouch. Burn tattoo. Can't they make those things out of something that doesn't turn into a red hot poker in the heat?

    I asked someone the other day how they were doing and they asked "Doing what?"

    I'm going to steal that bit of annoying magic. Oh yes I am.

  9. Favorite lines: "Welcome to your new tattoo!" and "I'm lying. Yeah me too."

  10. Anonymous12:09 PM

    I have a newly-healing scar on my arm from a "household accident." I called the plastic surgeon who re-did my ear after a small bout w/skin cancer. He said that the arm scar will heal and not to be too upset about. Pretty soon it won't be there. If he's lying, when I'm in LA we will plot against him.
    Aloha, MJ

  11. Um, excuse me miss Thang, but I'm from a good family and I have 4 tattoos.

    If you're bad I'll let you see them. (They're in dirty places! ;) ) Ok, now I'm lying, they're not.

  12. Oh, maybe you shouldn't read my post from a few days ago...about getting some new sixth, in fact...'cause I'd for you to think I'm a loser.

    Just 'cause I know I am doesn't mean I need you knowin' it, too!

    I DO hope the burn heals quickly...even mild ones are discomfiting!

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  13. Also? I never ask "How are you?" unless I mean it. are you?

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  14. Here in Australia we don't wrap our seat belts around our arms... I guess that's why we pay a fortune for those kind of tattoos!

    You're funny... I love it

    best wishes

  15. *laugh*
    I never know whether to smile or look sadly at the people in the waiting room when I leave my therapists office. On one hand, I want them to know she's good, because see! I'm smiling now! On the other, I don't want them to be jealous that I'm coping better then they are.

    And I have some tattoos, none of them are from seat belts though.

  16. I love that honest interlude at the end. Life would be so much better if people were just honest. Except when I ask if my butt looks big in this bathing suit. Then lying is mandatory.

  17. whisker burn is a LOT easier to explain :O lol

  18. Shrinko De Mayo...

    you rule.