Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Story Of Hurty Ear

Of course I asked everyone at the yard sale to look at it.

"Looks like a pimple to me."
"It's a cyst."
"It's not cancer."
"Stop touching eet." (Mom)
"It might be cancer."
"Maybe it's that flesh eating thing."
"That little thing? It's nothing."
"Isn't that how Swine Flu starts, on your ear?"
"Mon Dieu, stop touching eet." (You know who)

Dr. Hurty Ear said the blob on my ear was from a new disease going around. The dreaded SLEEPING ON ONE SIDE TOO LONG and irritating the cartilage. The remedy? SLEEP ON THE OTHER SIDE. I had to pay $100 just to turn over. So I took a free 0.5 oz. sample of spf 70 sunblock because airlines must be flying to the sun these days.

I was cleaning out my medicine chest one day a few years ago and found a tube of hemorrhoid cream. It wasn't Preparation H but it had hemorrhoid use written on it. Did someone sneak it into my medicine chest? You know, the hemorrhoidal guest who puts it on in your bathroom and then forgets he doesn't live there and leaves it in your medicine cabinet? God, do I even KNOW people like that?

I threw it out.

So while I was in the waiting room yesterday I sat across from a girl who had all this goop on her skin. Then she kept sniffing into a Kleenex so I thought maybe she was in trouble (dying in the waiting room) so I asked her if she was all right. She said she was there for laser treatments, her third in a series. I couldn't help but notice she had really bad cystic acne.

The goop on her face was numbing cream and so much had dropped on her lips that she looked like Lisa Rinna. She held up a jar of lidocaine and said she bought it at Dr. Hurty Ear's.

Then I went into a trance and vaguely remembered that one time when I was in NY I went to a Plastic Surgeon's with a friend and I heard the nurse say they had numbing cream for sale. So I bought some for my Botox treatments in L.A. I got back to Hollywood and stuck it in my medicine chest and promptly stopped having regular Botox treatments.


End of chat.


  1. Suzy you do know a little Prep H around the crows feet actually take them away

  2. Awww...i love it when a story comes around full circle.



  3. I hit enter too soon.

    The crows feet not the eyes.

    Oh and it's only temporary.

  4. Classic you probably paid top dollar for the Hemroid cream. I do think I read some where it is good for wrinkles...google it! Hope your hurty ear is better.

  5. I have two concerns right now.

    1) Did Gladys just suggest that I put asshole cream around my eyes?

    2) How does she KNOW it works?

    This will keep me up tonight, so get back to me if you can, okay?

  6. I think i read that in cosmo, but it takes away puffiness, not crows feet, right?

    I've never actually tried it because I am too lazy to do more than say "I should try that."

  7. Michel is the winner; it takes away puffiness, not lines and I heard it on the NEWS so you know it must be true!

  8. even I know what the hemorrhoid cream is really for.

    Don't all people in Hollywood know that? Apparently not.

  9. Ugh. Got a bunch of warts on my hand frozen off at the doctor today. Each passing year I become a little more repulsive.

    Maybe becoming blond is a good distraction.

  10. I love Prep H, although it did nothing for my roids. I love it around my eyes, as I am now growing wrinkles by the minute.

  11. Everyone knows you eat the hemorrhoid cream because the only thing that comes out of our mouths these days is shit!

    It's supposed to help keep our lips sealed.
    Hey! I just thought of something, is that where the song Our Lips Are Sealed came from? Were those girls wise to the asshole cream in the 80's?!

  12. If you ever come to my house I'll have to check the medicine cabinets thoroughly after you leave.

  13. I'm glad you're not dying, Suzy. That would totally be very inconsiderate of you.

  14. LISA RINNA!!!! LOL!!! LOL!! Why does she DO that to those lips. Glad your ear's okay!

  15. are there people in your comments section who are actually talking about putting hemorrhoid cream on your face and in your mouth??? I'm outta here!!

  16. Thank goodness, not Cancer!
    I can't wait to try hemorroid cream on my face and in my mouth!

  17. another use for piles cream: use on insect bites; works like a damn :)

  18. I'm going to sleep standing up, just in case.

  19. You have single handedly made my Monday so much better! I've been out of it for a week with some kind of 'hurty ear' only here in Arkansas, I AM sure it is closer to swine flu!! God knows it probably started HERE (and btw.. I was born in TX) :)