Monday, May 25, 2009

Post Mortem Memorial Day

Before we got up at zero-dark-hundred hours on Saturday morning, I took this picture of Ofelia the day before, modeling a boa I gave her from our show Single, Married & Divorced. Look at all my junk behind her on the floor. The Marilyn Monroe hanging on the wall behind her is a Milton Greene lithograph that I bought in Paris with the first paycheck I got from performing. Ofelia might not have in her teeth in this photo because she's got that closed mouth smile going on. She also chain smokes and drinks and two weeks ago pulled into our back parking lot and braked too late and hit the wall. I laughed and then prayed she wouldn't run into my car by accident. Or on purpose.

Two days before the sale she gave me a pair of tights from her wholesale store and said, "These will help keep your stomach in." If I didn't need them so much I would have slugged her but instead I took them and mumbled "thank you."
Remember those 5 frightful items that I showcased? Mr. Sailor Man ended up in the building, because Joe wanted him. Joe faithfully and anonymously took out the garbage I set outside my door while I was recuperating last summer. He had been doing it for a while and when I finally caught him and thanked him he replied "That's what neighbors do for each other." So I just gave him the wooden man. So now I have to see it every day instead of just when I open the storage unit. I mentioned I was on God's black list, right?

The lava lamp from psycho ex-boyfriend I gave to Ophelia because she wanted it. The flowered mailbox and weird ass fish ended up in the trunk of my car, going to the HIV/AID's charity I give to, Out of the Closet, the ones that do free HIV testing and provide free healthcare to those who can't afford it. And now they're getting that miserable fish. I guess I should pin an apology note to it.The Obamas sold for $5.00. Most of the stuff we just gave away. One guy was holding a bottle of Popov Vodka and tried to pay me a dollar for something I got for free. Thinking like the ex-vodka drinker I used to be I turned down the dollar and just gave him the item. It was a bumper sticker that said "Oh get up; you're not drunk."

We left a ton of stuff outside by the curb and by the next morning it was all gone. Including my mother.

End of chat.

22 comments:

  1. Don't you just love yard sales? Think it's great that you gave Ophelia the lava lamp and the boa because I'll bet they both make her happy and maybe it'll encourageher to park far away from your car.

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  2. Alls quiet in blogville this morning. I love that you gave things to your neighbors.

    I'm purging big time right now. Giving loads of baby crap to my girlfriends.

    Very cathartic.

    My, look at your blog roll now!

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  3. "These will help keep your stomach in."

    Fucken hilarious. I like that woman.

    (and if those tights work, send me a crate full!)

    Boss O xxxx

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  4. Spring cleaning nothing like it. I love the tights, isn't too hot there for tights? Have a great memorial day.

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  5. I agree with Boss OE. Send me a truckload of tights (if they work).

    Kris

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  6. I really have to stop reading you in the morning while drinking coffee! I lose so much of it while laughing.
    If I had known you were selling mothers at the yardsale, I would have sent you mine.
    Did you know there is a medical abbreviation DFO. It stands for Drunk Fell Over. We get a lot of those.

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  7. Can I send you my dad and you can sell him at your next garage sale?

    He needs a bumper sticker that says, "Watch out, I'm drunk!"

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  8. Can I borrow the tights?

    And can I send my mom to you next time you have a sale? She won't fetch much money, but if you can get rid of her, I'd pay you.

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  9. You could have just slept in, but there wouldn't have been funny post in that. Good choice.

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  10. You threw your own MOTHER out with the trash?

    Why am I not surprised?

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  11. Vodka Mom will be speaking for me today as she wrote EXACTLY what I was thinking.

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  12. Glad you found the right place for your mother...

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  13. OMG! The Wedding I shot last week... I had to buy some of those keep your stomach and ass in tights because I was wearing a flowy hippie white skirt. this apartment complex looks like the one I lived in with my wusband in LA. Sometimes I miss that smoggy place and all it's characters.

    Robin

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  15. Robin, wusband? Does that mean the guy was your husband? That's HILARIOUS!!!

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  16. Yes! My first husband! If you see him tell him I said hi!! Okay. Grace thinks your barbie! That is so cool because all I get is "your not as fat as he is mom" referring to the biggest guy ever on earth on The Biggest Loser. Nice.

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  17. Holy shit! Someone took your mother? Desperate times, huh? Of course, she could have just run away, too.

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  18. Hopefully some of the crap in the homeless drawer went away, too!

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  19. Oooh, good idea. Mom, go sit on the curb.

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  20. Damn! I wanted that bumper sticker.

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  22. みんなの精神年齢を測定できる、メンタル年齢チェッカーで秘められた年齢がズバリわかっちゃう!かわいいあの子も実は精神年齢オバサンということも…合コンや話のネタに一度チャレンジしてみよう

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