Friday, May 01, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Okay, your answers were phenomenal. Some were so funny and some were so clever and most of you were right. It's an outhouse. I didn't know what it was because I'm the Urban Queen. I thought it was an armoire that I could put venetian glass on.It's locked up because they saw me coming. Try and keep this in mind, being funnier than me is STRICTLY FROWNED UPON AND WILL LAND YOU A GIG AT A NUDIST CAMP.

Is Google Reader displaying differently or did I just hit the wrong button and now everything is in bullet form? I HATE IT.

I think I've mentioned I bleach my own hair. 3 times a year I use a different color of blond and the end product is natural. Everyone always asks me who does my hair and I tell them my secret. But one of my arms is not cooperating and something is ripped, torn or flesh eating around my left biceps, which I believe is the first sign of Swine Flu. So I was lying in bed 2 nights ago and came up with this great idea. I was going to pour the bleach on a fairly wide-toothed comb and just comb my hair, leaving it for the full 30 minutes.

By the next day it occurred to me I might end up with pin striped hair. But I did it anyway and I'm going to keep doing it this way because it's EASY. I'm an ash blonde irl so the differences are minimal. I'M A GENIUS and am going to open The Pin Striped Hair Salon.

Residents of Los Angeles are among the dumbest people I've ever met. The easier the job, the more stupid they become. Especially when it comes to money.

Once I came home from a tour of Canada and took my Canadian dollars to the bank.

"How much are these worth today?"
"The same as an American Dollar."
"No they're not."
"Yes they are."
"No. They're NOT."
"Pssssssst."

It was the teller next to him. He looked over at her and she shook her head no in the most imperceptible way.

Another day another teller got mad at me because I made a deposit and only wanted $10.00 back.
"Ten dollars?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you take twenty; most people take twenty."
"I only need ten."

She rolled her eyes at me like I was the dumbest fork in a box of hair and handed me a twenty. I didn't say anything but walked outside and looked at my receipt and although she had given me twenty, the receipt said she gave me ten. To reward her for her condescension, I kept the twenty.

I never used to do this. I always pointed out their error but no one ever said "Gee, I'm as dumb as a fork in a box of hair." So after a while I thought I should go into The Wrong Change Business. Yesterday I went to the corner store and got two items. One was 9.98 and the other was 1.25. She rang it up as 5.23. I even asked her if that's all I owed. She said yes so I gave her a ten and she gave me 4 dollars in change. This economy is probably so fucked up because bank lenders and car dealers can't do math. I'm assuming the current government, when bailing out AIG and GM, promised them 75 billion but gave them 156 billion.

Don't buy Michael J. Fox's new book Always Looking Up unless you really want to read 50 pages of how the stem cell research and bill went throuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He used the word 'inchoate' 3 times in the book.

Which means I had to look it up 3 times. And now I have to go pay my rent. AGAIN.

End of chat.

23 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:26 AM

    Suzy,
    Math is a large part of the problem, as apparently the young people are texting and whatnot instead of doing basic math. At the parking garage in downtown Honolulu where I occasionally park my rental car, if you just ask the cashier how many stickers you owe, she counts the time. It will always be about two hours less. So if you don't stick the stickers on the parking ticket, you will get an extra 2 hours per visit. (Speaking of math, by allowing this to happen, does it mean I'm morally bankrupt?)
    Aloha,
    MJ

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  2. Well, I would comment on the math, which I can do btw; however, the thoughts in my head are not inchoate -- not yet anyway. And I could plan on coming back later and doing it, but as inchoate as I am today, I'd forget. So I don't want to guarantee I'll be back. I mean, we do have an inchoate relationship so far, so . . . you know?

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  3. Blah blah blah, WHAT IN HELL IS GOOGLE READER DOING?????????????

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  4. inchoate? really?

    There was really no danger that I was going to buy the book, but I still appreciate the warning.

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  5. I liked the government line.

    WELL, IT'S SOUNDED LIKE...*
    *pulls ear

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  6. Suzy it's not just L.A. it is also La. (Loozeranna) I had a clerk at a Squal*mart tell me that I gave her a thirty dollar bill and then argued with me over it. So did her boss. Yeah STOOPID is STOOPID no matter where you go. ;)

    and hell yeah I blogged about it.

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  7. Every time I read your blog I die laughing. Which means I've been reincarnated about a hundred times or so. You're awesome. And you do math too. Sweet!

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  8. Is that fork/hair/box thing a Suzyism? Can't say I've heard that one before, but I might be using it in the near future.

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  9. I always give cash so that I can get back even amounts of change--like giving $20.03 when it's $5.53. I do this just to torment the cashiers.

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  10. I'm moving to LA, because then I would be rich in no time!! Easy peasy!!

    Glad I knew that was an outhouse. I feel really good about myself now.

    And I used to be an honest person as well, until I decided it was actually a fault, and so I stopped, and now I feel much better about myself.

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  11. I'm thinking you might be on to something with that comb thru the hair thingie; you might want to copyright that idea. Can you copyright an idea?

    About the change thing: if the cashier has been rude to me for no reason, I will not tell her she's made a mistake that she might have to pay for; if she has been nice, as she should be in customer service, I will tell her right away. It's as simple as that to me.

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  12. LOL, your making out like a bandit out there in hollywood...dang loan a sista five!

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  13. Oh... sometimes they give you the wrong change on purpose to pocket the extra change.

    I love your comment about Michael J foxs bookzzzzzzz.

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  14. google sucks the big red one, for the most part... don't worry about it, or try to contact them... unless you offer $$$

    solution [no pun intended] for your hair problem: pour bleach into the tank, and every time you flush with your head in the bowl, you get your toilet water AND hair treatment in one sell fwoop! :O lol

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  15. incochate??

    DAMNITT! Now I have to look it up!

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  16. I actually had an argument with a cashier who insisted on giving me more change than I was owed. I plan to blog about it.

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  17. I was waiting to reply hoping Michel would be back to give us(me) the definition of incochate. Damn now I have to go look it up.

    Thanks for finding the cure for insomnia. I'll pick up the book by M.J. Foxx this week. :)

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  18. I don't know what that word means either but I don't think I will look it up.
    I was in line at the dollar store buying favors for E's bd party and I overheard the cashier tell the woman, who was trying to use a credit card "sorry, we don't accept Mastercard, we do accept Visa, debit and American Express". She paid cash. When it was my turn I used my Mastercard debit card. Dumbass.
    Yes, I debit everything, even $6.42 purchases.

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  19. Incochate, is that some kind of chocolate?

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  20. I'm just over here searching for Scorpios.

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  21. I had something very, very funny to write, but then I thought about all those naked fat people...decided it wasn't worth it. Wow...was it funny though. :)

    I'll leave comedy to the pros.

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  22. "Which means I had to look it up 3 times." BWA-HAHAHA!!!!

    Also, when you go to pay your rent, only give him half, because obviously, money doubles when you hand it over to someone.

    And fine, make us have to look up inchoate now.

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  23. Honestly?? If you're handling money and too stupid to add properly or make change, then you get what you get...

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