What Mommy Bloggers Taught Me

All I ever read on some Mommy Bloggers' sites was about poop. Stinky poop, Winnie the Poop, animal poop, poop origami, Poop; it's what's for dinner, The 2009 Midwestern Conference on Poop, the Museum of Fine Poop, Poop Can Has Cheezburger and The Annual Running of the New York Poopathon.

I felt so left out because I couldn't blog about that.

I made myself a Metamusicle 2 days ago for breakfast. I bought some vanilla ice cream, let it melt and then stirred it in with the Orange Metamusil.

At midnight I woke up and was starving. I had nothing to eat because I shop every day. Because I eat everything that day. If I go out on a Sunday to shop for the whole week, it will all be gone by that evening. In another life I may have starved to death and my DNA won't LET ME FORGET IT.

All I found were pitted prunes. As if I'd never had a meal in my life, I ate a third of the bag.

5:00 a.m. I woke up with a stomach ache and felt some leakage and ran to the bathroom, looking over my shoulder at the disaster area I was leaving behind me and wondering if I should call 911.
"I'm leaking poop."
"You're doing what?"
"You heard me."
"We'll get a bucket over there right away, stay on the line."
"PLEASE don't send cute guys."

The worst part was that I was so confused I kept stopping and thinking "What if it gets worse and my intestines start to crown? THAT WON'T BE GOOD" So I created the Rocky Mountain Range of Poop starting from my bed, over a Romanian rug, into the hallway with regular blue carpeting, linoleum and when I had the bright idea of taking a shower, I left a trail to and from the bathtub and never once did it occur to me to sit on the toilet.

Orange you glad I didn't stop to take pictures?

End of chat.