Wednesday, April 08, 2009

What Mommy Bloggers Taught Me

All I ever read on some Mommy Bloggers' sites was about poop. Stinky poop, Winnie the Poop, animal poop, poop origami, Poop; it's what's for dinner, The 2009 Midwestern Conference on Poop, the Museum of Fine Poop, Poop Can Has Cheezburger and The Annual Running of the New York Poopathon.

I felt so left out because I couldn't blog about that.

I made myself a Metamusicle 2 days ago for breakfast. I bought some vanilla ice cream, let it melt and then stirred it in with the Orange Metamusil.

At midnight I woke up and was starving. I had nothing to eat because I shop every day. Because I eat everything that day. If I go out on a Sunday to shop for the whole week, it will all be gone by that evening. In another life I may have starved to death and my DNA won't LET ME FORGET IT.

All I found were pitted prunes. As if I'd never had a meal in my life, I ate a third of the bag.

5:00 a.m. I woke up with a stomach ache and felt some leakage and ran to the bathroom, looking over my shoulder at the disaster area I was leaving behind me and wondering if I should call 911.
"I'm leaking poop."
"You're doing what?"
"You heard me."
"We'll get a bucket over there right away, stay on the line."
"PLEASE don't send cute guys."

The worst part was that I was so confused I kept stopping and thinking "What if it gets worse and my intestines start to crown? THAT WON'T BE GOOD" So I created the Rocky Mountain Range of Poop starting from my bed, over a Romanian rug, into the hallway with regular blue carpeting, linoleum and when I had the bright idea of taking a shower, I left a trail to and from the bathtub and never once did it occur to me to sit on the toilet.

Orange you glad I didn't stop to take pictures?

End of chat.

23 comments:

  1. uhhhh....yuchhh! I hope you're feeling better now!

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  2. A poop story worthy of the mommiest of blogs! Congratulations!

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  3. I am glad we taught you a thing or two (heh two) about poop!

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  4. what's that smell???

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  5. I guess our houses smell the same now.

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  6. You just keep working at it, and you might get as good as us!

    Next stop - vomit....

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  7. That's certainly a qualifying poop story! Welcome to the club.

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  8. Beckie6:37 AM

    Holy Mother of Poop! That's some story! Is it wrong that I almost shit myself laughing?

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  9. Suzy, what a shitty night you had. I too feel left out by the mommy bloggers. So I decided the only way to cure that was to guy out and buy some Alli. There is a huge warning on the side that says "May Cause Anal Leakage" Well...don't eat a greasy hamburger and fries while taking it that's all I'm sayin...

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  10. Poop Origami! What if it gets worse and my intestines start to crown?! I'm going to crap myself laughing.

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  11. Thanks guys, I feel part of the club now. I've decided never to eat again.

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  12. Blech! Suzy, you did not need tojoin that club. The good news is I'm not hungry anymore so you probably saved me from gaining a quarter pound.

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  13. OMG. THAT was priceless!

    good one! Frankly, you can never go wrong with a good poop story.

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  14. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones because my metabolism sucks so bad I could eat a 5 gallon tub of prunes with no side effects.

    On the downside, I couldn't lose weight if I chopped my leg off.

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  15. I could never post about it on my own blog, so I'll share my worst poop story here. My daughter was about 12--very ill, spewing from both ends. I was getting her out of her pjs to get her in the shower when she squirted all over my hand. All over. Your story gave me flashbacks.

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  16. oh gross...now Suzy- I've never blogged about poop...come on. but i will tell you about the time my daughter was sick and thought my hands were meant to replace a toilet bowl and she took them, put them together to form a bowl and puked in them...thing is the fucking thing didn't overflow. I must have ginormous hands. But then again she was like 2...

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  17. OMG..Suzy!!! My worst nightmare is about leaking poop and not making it to the toliet in time. Thank GOD you were at home!!!!!

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  18. I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants! Okay - I lie. I did leak a little pee. You've learned about that on the slightly older mom (not mommy anymore) blogs, right?

    Kegel, kegel, kegel........

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  19. If you'd like be more comfortable writing about poop,feel free to watch my kids - ANY TIME you want.

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  20. I think women know more about poop than men, who spend a longer time on the throne.

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  21. sounds like ye be needin' a sooper dooper pooper scooper, suzy! :P lol

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