Friday, April 24, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Don't piss off God.

That's not my motto or anything it's just that a few days ago I wrote IS GOD EVEN ON DUTY ANYMORE? Now that I've written it once again I would like to add this disclaimer:

It was just a joke, now bring back my stuff.

It started with the 2 Milky Ways. Remember that heartbreaking story about Pink Dot forgetting to add them to my order? Really, someone in Hollywood should make that into a movie.

Then I went to Bed Bath and Beyond. My sister had 100 coupons and had given me half. Did I take them with me? Did I even remember where I put them? So the cashier asks me if I have one and I say "One what?" Now I have to find the coupons and go back to the store and take my receipt to get 20% off $14.99. DON'T LAUGH, WE'RE IN A RECESSION, PEOPLE.

Then yesterday I couldn't find my driving glasses, which are prescription CHANEL and which I always leave in my car. GONE. I asked a man walking down the street to help me look. He might have been a serial killer but without those glasses I'll just drive into a wall and die anyway.

Now I need more Clonopin so I can sleep through the night. I called my shrink and asked her to phone it in to Costco because I went 5 days without it and thought I didn't need it anymore BUT I'M THE WORST PERSON TO TAKE ADVICE FROM BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER TO BRING A COUPON TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND. I called Costco to see if it was in yet and guess what? IT ISN'T.

And now the WORST thing of all. Vodka Mom is gone.

Sorry, God.

16 comments:

  1. Now I know who to blame! Bring back VM SOON!!!!

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  2. I'm really pissed at you for making Vodkamom disappear.

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  3. Ah-hA! It WAS you!!!! Just as I suspected.

    Get your ass into church and tell God you're sorry!

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  4. Vodka Mom led me to your blog.

    Seriously, I could cry that she's gone.

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  5. Anonymous1:37 PM

    Suzy,
    I don't think it is wrong to place a curse on the individual who stole your glasses. They will perhaps fuck up their vision by using prescription glasses that aren't theirs.
    Aloha,
    MJ

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  6. pssssst, *l@@king side to side* where is she.... I won't tell.. I am here to help you out!

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  7. Um...where did VM go? Maybe you should sacrafice a virgin or something...Maybe that would bring her back. Do you think Daniel Craig is still a virgin? I mean I know it would be awful and all but if it brought VM back...I'm just sayin

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  8. I thought maybe Vodka Mom was hiding out at your place!

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  9. That's the way BByond gets you. They send you all those coupons. So you think - hey, I'll just go to BByound - I have a coupon! They know you forget to bring them. Works every time.

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  10. I'm going to BB&B, and I am taking my coupons with me. Thanks for the reminder!

    I know . . . bite me!

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  11. Vodka Mom left? Your wife left you!? What did you do? I know it wasn't because you pissed off God because s/he can take a joke. Or - looking at the people around me - maybe it's s/he can MAKE a joke.

    Oh, and if you shoplift, you don't need ANY coupons! Just sayin'... It IS a recession, yanno.

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  12. You mean you actually had a cashier to check you out at BB&B?

    That's cause in itself for VM to return.

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  13. We're all casting around for someone or something to blame for VM's disappearance. Thank you for fessing up. But maybe if you'd been a better spouse, some of this wouldn't have happened?

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  14. I hate when I forget my coupons! I always bring them then forget to use them at checkout, but am too emabarrassed to use them once I remember.

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  15. I'm here to give that bad luck BACK to you. I don't want it anymore.

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  16. ah, vm... so nice to see you again, even if it's here :P lol

    and no, suzy, it takes more than that to piss me off -- signed 'god'

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