Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Adventures In Man Land 2

If you're not a MILF, then what are you when men start cruising you at the bank and H&R Block Premium? A RWILF? I make them laugh and then they make skid marks to the exit. Because men say they want a girl with a good sense of humor, which means someone who laughs at all their jokes, but not someone who makes a living off it and makes as much as they do.

I'm now in one of those relationships where when it's his birthday, we're getting along fine and when it's my birthday; we're not. The first time we had sex, he said to me, “I’ve been with a 100 women. How many men have you been with. Three?” and I replied, “Three, four hundred, somewhere around there.”

Meanwhile, I had three the first time.

Shit, Ellen’s had three.

He’s a type A personality. He gets up at 4:00 am every day. I'm a type Z personality. I get up every other day.

I wish he was more like me. I love to gossip. You'll never hear two men on the phone going, "So Bill, what happened to Stanley's hair?"

We fight over his driving. We took a trip to the desert and I fell asleep for 10 minutes. When I woke up there was snow everywhere. "Where are we?” I asked, and he said "I'm not really sure but I think we're almost in Palm Springs." I said, "Really? Well, why don't we pull over and ask these Canadian Mounties exactly where we are? "

If you sift through history, it has always been man’s job to get us lost. Remember when Moses wandered in the desert with the Jews for 40 years? That was supposed to be a 10 day trip. And the whole time Moses' wife was in the caravan going, "Moses, don't be a schmuck. You’re killing me here. Pull into the oasis; ask Achmed how to get there." Do you know why Moses had to part the Red Sea? He couldn't find his way around.

You know sometimes you're on a plane and the pilot's voice comes over the loud speaker, "We're just circling until we have permission to land."

He's lying, he’s looking for the airport.

End of chat.


  1. That is seriously "no shit". My husband gets lost even with the GPS. He calls it "never found" but in reality, it's just because ... he doesn't listen.

  2. There is NOTHING like a great laugh first thing in the morning.

    that was fucking GREAT!!!!!


  3. Anonymous3:52 AM

    Thank you! and be sure to tip your waitress on the way out. Really great!

  4. Anonymous3:54 AM

    my husband and I forever argue because he takes the longest way from point A to C - he really is the worst driver in the world. And will always go to the longest traffic line which drives me FUCKING NUTS.

  5. Anonymous3:55 AM

    oh ps- and about getting lost? EACH and EVERYTIME we went to the pharmacy together he would pass it and then have to make a U turn. I Mean, the FUCKING THING never moved...how can you miss it each and every fucking time!?!? So i just never go with him- but the thing is mentally I go nuts knowing he'll miss it and make the u turn.

  6. The only time I fight with my husband, I mean serious fighting, is when we have to drive somewhere farther than an hour away. He hate's being in a car and will pick a fight with me over nothing.
    Wait, now, who is it?

  7. Quick, warn Susan to put up the sneeze guard before she reads these posts! Her poor monitor must look like the craters of the moon, by now.

    Thanks for another laugh, Mizz Suzy - it's raining, my heart aches, and all I wanna do is crawl back under the duvet and wait for the next century to roll around.


    Shade and Sweetwater,

  8. I knew that bastard pilot was lying...

    Wait...did Vodka say "fuck"????

  9. Oh my good GAWD! I'm dying here.

    Me and Kahuna have this fight all the time.
    Me: Honey the map says you are supposed to turn on Highway 2. It is the next intersection.

    Kahuna: as we are driving through the intersection and a mile up the road "Where are we supposed to turn?"

  10. Anonymous11:27 AM

    Ahhhh...you are so correct about men. Long ago and far away, every once in a while (especially after I had gotten back from the spa and looked great), a guy would try to pick me up after my standup show. However, nothing compares to the time I sang (well if you could call it that) backup at the Universal Ampitheatre. At the after party it was like a gold rush to all the females who sang backup. It's such a demure, non-threatening job. Never did it again. (Well, probably because they didn't ask.)
    Martha Jane

  11. I love your blog! I laughed out LOUD!

  12. My husband gets pissed if I don't give him play by play directions to everywhere as if he doesn't live here or something. Then when he DOES know where to turn and I tell him (like he wants me to do) he bites my head off "I KNOW!"

    Are they not all a bunch of teenagers? Shit.

  13. lol... why i got my garmin gps! :P

  14. Ha! Kydrryn is right. My monitor truly needs a good scraping after that. Guys are dicks with dicks. And you, Suzy, are fucking hilarious.

  15. Hi Suzy, don't worry there's plenty more "torturous real estate" for you to covet (or be scared of) in the future.
    I loved visiting all your followers/commenters, and plan to add them to my "Humor" blog list! (You are already added!)They are all as funny as I wish I was! Oh well, we can't all be good at everything can we? but absolutely nothing beats a great laugh!

  16. I blame Vodka Mom for pointing me to your blog.

    I've been sick all day and I just laughed so hard, I think I shit myself.

  17. My man doesn't get lost because he found me.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry, I'm still shitfaced. And not the good kind where it's all about drugs and alcohol.

  18. I really wish I'd thought of that three, four hundred line. It's precious!

    You are too too funny. And then I laugh and then some dumb kid wants to know what I'm laughing about. And I tell them. Of course I tell them!

  19. True story:
    Back in the mid-70's I took a puddle-jumper flight (10 passengers, dual prop plane, co-pilot was also flight attendant and baggage handler) from Kennedy to New London, Conn. The flight also stopped in New Haven and Hartford. I think the only reason it didn't pick up folks on the side of the road was because it was dark outside.

    Flying over Long Island Sound, approaching New London, the plane started to circle over the water. Looking up into the cockpit (no door) I saw the pilot looking out the side window every time the coastline came into view, and the co-pilot was using a penlight to examine a Shell roadmap open in his lap. Eventually, someone on the ground turned on the runway lights and they found the airport. And landed. After that I either took the bus or the train.