No Sweat

Someone sent me an email asking me why I hadn't put the Blogger's Choice badge on my blog. I didn't know I'd been nominated so thanks singlejane for nominating me for Best Whining Patient Blog. I'm going to sweep in that category. Please vote for me so I can go to Thailand and have my ear rocks removed. And now on to more important things.

I never sweat.

I never had B.O.

I never used deodorant.

The first time I played Vegas, after 9 years of doing standup, I got flop sweat, which is a panic reaction to bombing. But I only got it on my right side. My ENTIRE right side. My ankles were leaking. The hair on my right side was drenched in water. I looked like a Before and After shot from an infomercial on How Not To Wash Your Hair. I bought deodorant and then never used it because it never happened again. I was a One Time Only Sweat Machine.

But Vegas made sense. My left side was dry, controlled by the right brain, the artistic part of the brain; I always thought I was funny, especially when I was drunk. But the left, logical side of my brain was sober. My agent said since he was trying to get me on The Tonight Show that I couldn't do my normal act, I had to try new, more clever latenighttelevision jokes. It was my first year in L.A. and I didn't know that agents are assholes. But my left brain knew. It knew his advice would be suicide for my first time in Vegas. And it was. After 3 shows out of 7, I went back to my regular act but I'd already buried my ass at Wounded Knee by then.

Then I gave up drinking almost 6 years ago. And I'd walk around everywhere thinking, MAN, who the bloody fuck is on the B.O. Express to Showerland?

It was me. Had I been too drunk to SMELL? The only problem was the bottle of deodorant I bought in Vegas and never used now, after 10 years sitting in one of my old makeup bags, smelled like antiseptic skunk. And not in a good way.

I started wearing men's deodorant. Armani's Acqua di Gio. I often wear his men's cologne with the same name. Now I wear deodorant and I want a medal.

End of chat.