Thursday, April 16, 2009

Adventures In Man Land 4

I've been engaged three times. The first time I had my heart set on a white strapless gown. By the second engagement, I decided on an off-white dress. By the third time I just bought something I could return.

My first fiance was young and in the Army.

The Salvation Army.

He was so immature that on April Fool's Day he put polygrip in my diaphragm. I walked around all day sounding like a plunger.

One day he shaved his head.

"Why did you do that?"
"I'm trying to make my head look bigger."
"I wish you'd shave another part of your anatomy."

My second fiance gave me a big diamond ring, only there was no diamond. I had to keep telling people it dropped out and he kept telling people I lost it. He should have just put polygrip in it.

My third attempt at matrimony was creepy. He was 20 years older than me. He took me to meet his parents and I said, "Wow, this is a lovely cemetery."

He got mad at me because I kept putting our mortgage on a credit card. Finally I said to him, "That's not so bad. Our mortgage is $900.00 but our monthly minimum payment is only $76.50.
"If you had been alive in the 18th century you would have had to go to Debtor's prison." He said.
"Really? If they had that today I'd be on death row."

I don't think people should get a license for marriage. I think they should get Viagra, a gym membership, hair plugs and a warranty for parts and labor.

They do it so much better in the animal kingdom. The bald eagle mates and remains faithful for life. But I'll bet if he had some hair he'd be out screwing around.

End of chat.

15 comments:

  1. suzy, that's hilarious!

    do tell all about #4... when it happens... methinks it MAY be the one :)

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  2. You owe me a new laptop.

    Suz I think we were engaged to the same guys. Probably at the same time.

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  3. LOL, girl get on the stage that chits funny... sounding like a plunger! I would have killed him so I would know you on death row!

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  4. I was engaged twice and one of them took. I don’t know how I feel about that yet.

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  5. I don't know what to say, but holy crap that was funny!

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  6. Polygrip on your diaphram...OMFG seriously?

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  7. These posts are awesome!

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  8. I think that mortgage thing sounds genius!

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  9. Your man posts are killing me! The only man I dated that was bald was a total asshole. He took me to Pizza Hut, after I drove an hour to pick him up. Then he expected me to pay for the meal then drinks. Later he asked if he could video tape us doing "it". As if I would do it with him!

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  10. my vagina is hurting just THINKING about it. And, according to Bitchy, I HAVE no vagina. So, it's quite a feat....

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  11. I have no words. Too funny. poly grip and vagina's. No way could they ever get along :)

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  12. I approve the marriage license.

    BUT, I believe it should expire every year, and have to be renewed in order to stay valid.

    ;o)

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  13. Ha! Nothing worse than man's "anatomy" resembling a sasquatch's. The least they could do is trim it, don'tcha think?

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  14. Sounding like a plunger! Woooot!

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