Monday, April 13, 2009

Adventures In Man Land

The symbol for love is an arrow through the heart. You know a teenage girl in the 17th century came up with that design. And as she aged she probably thought about changing it and then realized, "No, that's about right."

I've had trouble with men from the moment I started dating. My first real boyfriend got hit by a truck. My second boyfriend had a heart attack at 32. My third boyfriend called me up one day and said, “You know, I think you’re a jinx”. And I said, “How do you figure?” But then the phone went dead because you’re only allowed those ten minute calls from prison.

The first thing I look for in a man is a man who cooks, because I don’t cook. I’ll eat out, I’ll take out, I’ll put out but I ain't cooking. When I get my dream house, I’m not even going to build a kitchen. I’m going to have them put a KFC in on the ground floor.

Did you ever notice how when you ask a man a question, they're afraid to answer? That's because they're convinced there's a right and a wrong answer and they want to be right. They always want to be right. But what they don't understand is no matter what they say, it's always going to be wrong because they're the guy.

Did you ever go out with a really horrible guy, a real asshole, and pray he would never call you? And then when he never calls you’re like, I cannot believe that jerk never called me again. Then when he finally does call we say we have to wash our hair. Recently I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. He shared with me that they had just returned from rehab and I was so upset. This guy had never taken me anywhere.

I once dated identical twins. Well, not EXACTLY identical. Twins is such a weird concept. One is born and then the other one shoots out right behind him. Basically one comes faster, which is how I could always tell them apart.

End of chat.


  1. now THAT'S a punch line.

  2. I dated identical twins too, and you are absolutely right.

  3. Suzy you are good. I'm just going to leave it at that :)

  4. OMG I'm dying here!

    Yes I was horrible at dating. My daddy told me that my picker was broke and to stop trying to use my broken picker to pick boyfriends.

    My first husband was a sociopath who lied and killed for the government. My next foray into the dating scene was a narcacisstic manic depressive who ended up in prison. Yeah I can pick em can't I?

    Then my sister picked out Kahuna and I did what my sister told me to do, marry him and not look back.

  5. Oh...dear...thank you...that was a fine way to dive into my Monday!

    And I feel for you. I do.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. Classic ending!!! Always a pleasure.

    Baby birds are doing fine. Crows are gone. Only 7 more days and they will be flying away on their own.

    Have a classic Monday,


  7. I've dated lots of horrible men. They seem to always be pulling away from me, but if I started to pull away from them they would say something like "Don't you know I love you?". Liars. They all just wanted to get laid.

  8. Am I maybe a wee bit happy right about now that I married my Senior Prom Date? Not as funny, but . . .!

  9. OMG you are on a roll today! Snot on my screen...

  10. i don't really give a rat's ass about being 'right'...

    just remember, if you don't wanna know, don't ask... cuz it may not be the answer you're looking for, but it will be the truth

    superb twin bit, suzy :O lol

    yeah, i do cook... at least in the kitchen :P

  11. Anonymous1:46 PM

    ba da boom...good ones.

  12. I had to COME back and read this again. Just too funny!

  13. Laughed out loud about the line where you don't want the guy to call and then are pissed when he doesn't.

  14. Punch line? Don't give Vodka punch and vodka in the same sentence....