I don't do holidays. Especially this one, which apparently involves no gifts.
Mothers across America are lying to their children, telling them the Easter Bunny is coming and using Easter as an excuse to eat 3 pounds of chocolate which they've stolen from their happily naive kids who they've sent off into the wild to search for their favorite candy, the hard boiled egg.
One of my exes, The Impotentate (Go ahead, figure it out. I'll wait.) was married to a very pretty woman. In the 7 years we were together, we spent a lot of holidays with her, their son and her new husband, Hopefully Not Impotent. She decorated for every holiday and Easter was a week of plastic and glass bunnies, fake green grass and baskets with a handle which cannot be used as a designer bag, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED.
To quote the late, great comedian Sam Kinison. "If Jesus is coming back, don't you think he's gonna be pissed when he sees that people are wearing the place he died around their necks?"
You've heard this question, "If you could eat dinner with anyone from the past, who would it be?" And people always say Jesus. Frankly, if I'd been at The Last Supper I'd have been bored to distraction with him.
ME: So let me get this straight, you have no job?
JC: Correct.
ME: So you have no money?
JC: Correct.
ME: And you live with your Mother?
JC: Correct.
ME: Yo Judas, wait up.
End of chat.
Friday, April 10, 2009
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Dude!! Jesus is going to be sooo pissed. He's not going to leave you any candy!!
ReplyDeleteYou really hit the nail on the head. My favorite part of the egg hunt is when the kids go to bed and I can scarf down all their good chocolate :)
ReplyDeleteAnd how do you think he'll feel about all the pagan symbolism theived for use during a holiday celebrating his death?
ReplyDeleteAlso...if Jesus was a Jew, why do people eat ham at Easter (a holiday named for a pagan Goddes, by the way)?
Ow, my head hurts.
I think I'll nosh a chocolate fertility symbol (because I'm sure not going to...erm...scromp like one any time soon) and take a nap. Someone wake me when the hypocracy is over or the ham is done.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who, one day if you're really unlucky, will tell you her thoughts on why Judas was Jesus' truest friend)
Finally--someone says it!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO bad! I love that about you.
ReplyDeleteI just blew snot bubbles all over my computer. LOVE this post!!
ReplyDeleteholy shit, now you are REALLY going to hell.
ReplyDeleteSave me a spot by the window. I don't do well in the heat....
I found you! Vodka Mom pointed your blog out in a comment on mine but I didn't have the URL.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, Bill Gates is a brother from another mouth so using my awesome tech knowledge, I deduced that just -maybe- you would be listed on her blog roll. And here I am!
That said, loved the JC conversation! Blasphemy is one of my secret, guilty pleasures.
Save a window seat in hell for me too, please. Not only does heat melt my mascara but I want to be able to look out on Hitler being buggered by a well hung Easter Bunny.
P.S. Brother from another mouth??
ReplyDeleteMouth being akin to mother. Of course.
Don't be over here making it public that I'm going to eat my kids' candy while they're hunting for hard boiled eggs! You'll rob me of one of the last pleasures of motherhood!
ReplyDeleteOh, and Jesus just called me to confirm that you've got a seat reserved on the bus to hell. Did you know I'm the driver?
Hey WAIT! I think I dated that guy. Long hair, no car, and wore sandals all the time. Yeah when i dated him he called himself Michael.
ReplyDeleteI can totally live with this holiday.. the one I don't get.. is Christmas..
ReplyDeleteHow the hell did Mary convince Joey she was a virgin...and then gave birth..
Didn't work when I tried it... my Joey was an idiot and figured that one out..
I don't think Jesus would appreciate the whole cross thing either. We don't hang a pistol on the wall for Lincoln's assasination anniversary...not that he was as cool as our savior, but close.
ReplyDeletePlus, I never understood the Easter Bunny thing anyway. If that rabid, rancid, flea-infested f-ing bunny ever turns water into wine, we'll talk about having him/her over for a ham on Easter.
So I say F*** the easter bunny. Your existance is nothing but a fat f-ing lie. Sorry Jesus for the language.
Peace,
Phil
Everyone knows kids LOVE hard boiled eggs and that they'd rather eat them than candy!
ReplyDeleteWait a minute. Let's get back to this "no gift" thing...
ReplyDeletePearl
The only reason to have dinner with Jesus is to save money on the wine, which would be great seeing how I'd have to pay for dinner since, as you pointed out, he had no job.
ReplyDeleteIf I could pick anybody, it would be JFK Jr. He wouldn't have given me the time of day when he was alive but I think if he were temporarily raised from the dead, he'd boink me.
Faker! You're totally hot for Jesus.
ReplyDeleteSo that's a downer? But c'mon, he was such a nice boy...
ReplyDeleteIf Jesus comes back, I hope he digs that I think he's hot and I want to *squeeze* him.
ReplyDeleteI think if Jesus came back, the church would try and kill him again, so he would come hang with us so-called sinners and have a blast.
ReplyDeleteNo more beer runs...Jesus will handle it for us. wooohooo
Peace,
Phil
Judas is so screwed. Good luck with that one.
ReplyDeleteA church near me sponsored a "helicopter egg drop" today at a local high school's football field. You should've seen the traffic headed into that joint. Unbelievable. I don't like public "egg" hunts for the same reason I hate pinatas. Little kids driven rabid by their cheering, greedy parents just doesn't say "resurrection" or even "spring" to me. But I do dig the bunny, the chocolate, and the egg-salad sandwiches I'll be eating all week.
I mean, I won't be eating the bunny all week. Just the sandwiches.
ReplyDeleteI've given up lying to my kids. Now I just tell the straight away that this here chocolate is mine and if they want chocolate, they can go mug the easter bunny like I did.
ReplyDeleteWell J keeps asking me if I'm the Easter bunny- I finally told her- you believe what you want- then she left it alone.But I'm still pissed I had to go buy easter shit for tomorrow morning...you'd think she would have said- ok mom I don't need all that bullshit but nope...
ReplyDeleteat my dinner, i'd want joe campbell, kate hepburn, jim henson and dot parker... and from the looks of it, SUZY! ;) lol
ReplyDeletenazdarovja
At least there is chocolate for Easter. My son and I had to sneak away from all the kosher, no eating anything but Matza, relatives, to have a hot dog ON A BUN and popcorn at the movies this weekend. Do you know there is no such thing as Kosher for Passover beer? WTF?
ReplyDelete