The Plastic Surgery Whisperer

Don't ask me if you need plastic surgery because I'll tell you.

I dated Dr. Howard for 3 years and saw surgeries performed, which is fairly gross. But it's fun to watch the boobs get bigger and the skin peel up and off the facial bones. Once I asked him to lipo under my chin and he replied Stop Eating So Much.

I weighed 134 at the time. Asshole.

Then I moved to L.A. and my sister put me on Herbalife and I lost 12 pounds (turns out that the more protein you eat, the less you crave sugar) So I hadn't needed lipo after all. It's so annoying when your boyfriend is right, especially about plastic surgery when he's a plastic surgeon and you're on food stamps.

Once two female comics came to my house. We were discusing my upper and lower eye job. One asked me if she needed hers done and I said yes. Then the other one asked me if she needed one and I said no. The one I said yes to went around telling everyone that I had told her she needed her eyes done. People from Latvia to New Guinea were writing me hate mail. Of course she had left out the part where I said, if you really want to know, I'll tell you the truth and show you how different you'd look.

For example, if you wonder if you need a face lift, lie down on the floor and hold a big hand mirror up to your face. If your face looks better lying down than standing up, you need one. I spend all day lying on the floor. Crying.

I remember a comedian who was told she needed a nose job. The agents who liked her, and she was very funny, told her to get one. She didn't. She's now married with two kids and no longer living in L.A. and not in the business.

There was a male comic who needed a nose job but he wasn't as funny as the girl. He got no nose job but booked commercial after commercial and is now head writer on a late night talk show.

If you ever meet me and I start staring at a certain part of your face or body, call a plastic surgeon and let HER give you the bad news. I don't need more hate mail.

Three days ago I saw this dark spot on my thigh. I had never seen it before. Yesterday it spread and today it had spread a little more. MELAFUCKNGNOMA!!! Do I call my dermatologist or wait and see if it gets bigger?

IS GOD EVEN ON DUTY ANYMORE?

So I decided to scrape it off. I picked at it expecting to draw blood but no blood. I had scraped it all off and now it was on my nail and vicinity. I could not drive to the doctor with some random melanoma on my finger. I walked around looking for small containers and then the phone rang and while I was talking I must have had a mini-stroke because I PUT THE DEADLY FINGER IN MY MOUTH.

And then I died and the girl who needed the eye job was arrested for murder.

It was only chocolate.

End of chat.