Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I'm Donating My Eyes (and breasts) To Science

I drove to Dr. K's yesterday and ONCE AGAIN parked in the wrong lot. Yes, it's finally occurred to me there's nothing wrong with me at all, I just need new glasses. The lot was empty but I needed to go into the one next door to it, L.A.'s notorious alleys the only connector. I backed out and there was suddenly a car to the left of me and one to the right. So without gaging the distance of pi divided by an algorithm multiplied by 3 cars, I continued to back up and eventually hit the wall. The alleys are half the size of a street in Gulliver's Travels' Lilliput and I'm being kind.

One of the men in the cars said, "OH MY GOD, you can't drive like that, your bumper is going to fall off."

I got out of my car and there was no hanging chad bumper, just a big patch of scratches. I asked him where EXACTLY the bumper was hanging? He told me he just happened to have a body shop down the street (in Canada) and he could show me when we got there and then I would also be sold into white slavery for a slight fee. HOW STUPID DO PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE? Although in my case it's an on-the-fence question.

I asked him if he thought it was bad. He nodded. I said, "Then you're really not going to like this" and showed him the other side of the car, which I've scraped twice trying to back into my thimble-sized home parking spot.

I finally made it into Dr. K's office. Remember how I mentioned I blacked out during visits because I really don't want to know anything? Here's what I remember:

"You look like Kate Winslet, you know Titanic?" He also said it the first time I saw him.

So either I look like Kate or the Titanic. You choose.

During the x-rays portion he asked me if I was wearing a bra with metal. I said I was. I had to lower the top of my dress, turn the FUCKING bra around to unhook it because I'm still in puberty and he was waving a sheet in front of me like I was a bull and he the toreador. He was making me very nervous with all the sheet action. No wonder people were always afraid of Batman. Finally I said, "Look, if you haven't seen a pair of tits by now, you might look into homosexuality."

I don't think he heard me because he was concentrating so hard on not looking.

So I have this neck issue that begins with a 'sten.' Maybe I have stenographer's neck. I can't remember because by then he was putting needles into the sides of my hands and Holy Japanese Jesus, that really fucking hurts. LIKE KILLING HURTS. He was very careful with me because of all my scars and gingerly moved my arms, legs etc. I was on the table for almost 30 minutes and after it was over he said he couldn't believe I could lie on my back that long.

Oh sweetie, if you only knew.

End of chat.

20 comments:

  1. So did you follow the Canadian to his shop? Did you finally get your bra undone and is Dr. K really the gay Batman? Will all these things be answered in the next installment of Suzy's World?

    I love that your days are more f'd up than mine ;)

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  2. I'd like to donate my ass. and my husband. Can someone come pick them up ASAP???

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  3. wait I forgot to read the post - the title was just TOO good to pass up.

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  4. Vodka Mom will be teaching a class on comment retardation next week.

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  5. Gladys, welcome to the Fuckups of Life.

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  6. so wait- i thought acupunture was NOT supposed to be painful...sweet jesus

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  7. U crack me Up...like your bumper :O

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  8. Oooh! I have a guess--spinal stenosis?

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  9. I don't need your eyes, but I'll be glad to take your breasts. Oh, wait. You mean detached, right? Erggg...never mind.

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  10. LOL thank you for the laugh, I needed it!

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  11. actually, that's the title of the break-out session of Blogher- held at the bar.

    (cost of admittance- a shot and a bag of chips. Bar-b-que)

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  12. The week after next Vodka Mom will be hosting an AA meeting. It will be PACKED SOLID so show up early for your first free cocktail. Maybe it's an AAA meeting, I'm often confused.

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  13. Fabulous! I've got my calendar out... we've got AAA, AA, and comment retardation. Fortunately my Vicodin and I are free -- we'll attend all three!

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  14. Somehow I don't feel so bad about finding out we have to rebuild the engine in my (recently) unemployed husband's vehicle. Thanks, Mizz Suzy, for offering up your craptastic day as a panacea to everyday woes!

    Also, if you say "stenosis" a bunch of times in a row, it sounds like a choo-choo train...or so says the Evil Genius.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

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  15. It's the ubiquitous Japanese Jesus! He needs a place on your dashboard fast.

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  16. Well how the else are we supposed to drive if not by the 'feel' method?

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  17. Ha! I love what you told him.

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  18. I've always viewed showing my breasts as a public service. My kids and mom don't see it that way, but they are just so close minded.

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  19. I think the guy owns a different kind of "body" shop. Or maybe he wanted to play Doctor?

    Anyway, who knew Jesus was Japanese?

    Peace,

    Phil

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  20. I am so sad to have speed-read VodkaMom's comments, only to see, entry to be paid via "a shag and a bag of chips..." Sounds like a night out on the drink in most cities in the UK!

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