Cereal Killer

I was never an emotional eater. But before I went to India in 2006, I started. I was in extreme pain, could barely walk, scared to death and did I mention I went alone? While I was there I dropped 5 pounds in 2 weeks. As I prepared to leave, I put on the dress I came in with and another American who had been there as long as me remarked that I had lost weight then said, 'Yeah, when you came in wearing that dress I thought you must have had no friends to tell you that dress was too tight." I came in at 140, left at 135. I actually thanked her for telling me because she was right; no one had told me to just stop eating and I was pretending I had a fun house mirror in my place, the one that makes you look thin and tall. Remember my neighbor Ken who had said to me "I remember when you had a flat stomach." And the janitor of the Best Western at the end of my street who asked me when I was due? Due for what, to kick his ass?

Over last summer I got down to 123. Now I've started the late eating because Natasha Richardson died and a blogger wrote me and said her mother fell and died a week later and I've fallen 209 times and I have 2 more doctors to deal with and I'm not clear that a subdural hematona isn't growing somewhere BECAUSE I PEED ON MYSELF THROUGH A THONG. If that doesn't scream subdural hematoma growing slowing and working its way up my body then I don't know what does.

I've gone to doctors since I was 13 and there was always something wrong with me. Once I told that to a friend and she said STOP SAYING THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. And I replied, I can't because there IS always something wrong with me.

Apparently some parts of The Secret I haven't quite mastered yet.

This week I'm weaning myself off Froot Loops, Multigrain Cheerios, Special K Red Berries and Corn Pops.

I'm now at 125 lbs and dangerously close to breaking the weight laws of L.A. so I had orange Metamucil for dinner. It would have tasted better with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. A Metamucicle! My weak calf has filled back to regular size so I'm thinking my right calf weights two pounds. IT COULD HAPPEN.

I never thought I'd ever say this in my life but I miss working out. Then you can eat whatever you want. Maybe today I'll ask the acupuncturist to put some needles in my carb section, which is all over my body.

End of chat.