I Don't Know Where She Got This But You Can Contact Her And Ask Her

One of my twitter followers, a mom named Rachael, has been sending me New York Times bestsellers for the last few months. I've been incredibly lucky to have a friend like her because based on my past "issues", buying bestsellers is out of the question. And I haven't resorted to stealing yet but next year is a new year! Watch out Barnes and Noble!

The scan of this card she sent along with the latest book, The Jacqueline Kennedy interviews with Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. PLUS ALL THE AUDIO TAPES, doesn't even do it justice because the words Blog are all in bright silver and the I'm More Interesting On My is in black and the Blog is red, but a bolder red than my HP scanner could pick up. I guess HP doesn't have enough money to color correct. Poor things.

Rachael holds regular pity parties on her blog but they're not like my pity parties. Or probably yours.

If you want to know where she got this card go to Rachael's blog and ask her! And follow her on Twitter at @happyrachael.

I was a reluctant Twitter convert but have now been on it for TWO YEARS. (thanks to this person) I can't say enough about how it's changed my life. Much more than blogging.

And now I'm on Google+, Facebook, LinkedIn, Tumblr and favstar.fm.

The nightmare never ends.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me

1. I've never been to a costume party and if you go to them it's doubtful we'll ever be friends.

2. I have a titanium bar in my back and no it's not stocked with alcohol.

3. My favorite movie is Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

4. I left home when I was 17 but would have left earlier if my parents weren't such MEAN ASSHOLES.

5. My best friend is gay and we've been estranged 3 times yet always wander back into each other's lives. It goes without saying that we're both very stubborn.

6. I speak and read French yet got D's in French in high school and my first year of college. As you can imagine this went over very well with my mother, who's French, and my father, who was Hitler.

7. I've been engaged 3 times but was only in love once and not to any of the men I was engaged to.

8. I prefer going to the movies by myself. Although I used to put my Yorkie in my purse and take him along. Mainly because he didn't talk during the movie.

9. I have one sister and have had 4 stepbrothers and 1 stepsister.

10. There are only 2 people who make me laugh. One is my friend Jane in New York and one is my sister.

11. If I can come up with 25 things for this list I'll be amazed.

12. I never had any female friends who didn't work until I met bloggers.

13. I don't like diamonds.

14. All of my dishes are black and white but in different patterns.

15. Number 14 is kind of dumb for a list of 25 things you didn't know about me. I mean seriously, who cares what kind of dishes I have?

16. I believe in reincarnation.

17. I can't believe some bloggers make a '100 Things You Didn't Know About Me' TAB.

18. I love to travel. The more exotic the place, the better.

19. I never wanted my own children but dated 4 men who had kids. And I loved them all. The kids, I mean.

20. I've been performing since I was 14 and performing professionally since I was 15.

21. My favorite activity is getting into bed and reading. This explains why I have no boyfriend.

22. Don't ask me for my opinion because I'll tell you the truth.

23. I'm a member of SAG and AFTRA.

24. I have terrible taste in men. If there's an asshole on the loose, I'll find him.

25. I'm a great cook.

BONUS 26. After bitching and moaning I'm now on Facebook.

WTF Obama?

Last night in Burbank I met Private Ochenkoski and Private Norton. Both are 24 years old.

And Pfc Winn and Pfc Rojas, both 18 years old.

Only Pfc Rojas isn't going because he's in the National Guard.

The other three are being deployed to Afghanistan.

I told Private Ochenkoski I thought all the troops were coming home and he answered in a one word sentence.

"No."

I shook their hands, thanked them for their service.

I've entertained boys like them in Germany, Holland, Bosnia, Macedonia, Johnston Atoll, Japan and South Korea.

I only broke down once, in Germany. A long line of soldiers paraded by our autograph table. I was with comedians Kivi Rogers and Carl Banks on that tour. We signed programs and spoke to each man and finally, one very young boy at the end of the line said to me, "Can you write on this that you hope we stay safe?"

I nodded and signed and after that fought hard to hold back tears but didn't entirely succeed. I turned my head to the side so no one would see but a reporter for the military newspaper Stars and Stripes did and walked over to me.

"You okay?"

"I will be. It's just that these boys...these boys break my heart."

Why Does Everyone Look Better Than Me?

I'm always happy when I get an email from someone who wants to buy a tee shirt. Especially a person I didn't force to buy one, like most of the other people who bought them under duress.

This is Tricia, also known as Sassy Pants Momma.  She has the funniest tag line of any blog I've ever read. 

The most annoying thing about this tee shirt is that it looks good on everyone but me. It even looks better on the assorted dogs, Elmo's and mannequins that people have sent in. I'd like to say it's because my enormous rack stretches it out and makes me look like I have porn star 44 GG's but having seen some of the racks under some of these Teeshirters, that's a lie. Not that I've actually seen these racks in the flesh. Purely over the shirt speculation when I drive by their homes and look inside with my binoculars.

I forgot where that sentence was going and should call out a search party on it.

Tricia's up on my sidebar where she will stay until someone else sends in a picture of them wearing it JUGGLING JENN I'M TALKING TO YOU. I hope you have a good book, Tricia, you're going to be there for a while.

If Everyone Loves Something, I'll Hate It

I don't like trendy things. When everyone lost their virginity at an early age? I didn't. When everyone started getting tattoos, I didn't. When everyone started wearing black fingernail polish, I didn't.

So I certainly can't get behind any of these things:

MODERN FAMILY:

Like Ed O'Neil could get a Sofia Vergara in any lifetime.



SOUP

If I wanted hot liquid with no porkchops in it I'd stand under the shower and open my mouth.

JOHNNY DEPP

Enough already with the Pirates movies. And stop pushing your hair out of your eyes every 20 seconds. That's from the Jennifer Aniston School of Acting. That's not a compliment.



PLATES ON A WALL

For the love of God, Grandma, go to Ikea and buy a 20 dollar print.


IKEA

Besides being unable to navigate the store in less than 3 months, if you look at their furniture under a microscope you see little Swedish people pointing and laughing at you because you can't afford expensive stuff.

THE SIMPSONS

People have suggested I came too late to the Simpsons party and that it was better in the beginning. The beginning of what? The end of time?



End of chat.

Suzy And Neal Mayhem, Sitting In A Tree

If you missed the live broadcast of Minutes of Mayhem from the U.K. on Friday October 21, then you missed my interview. So here it is, I come in at the final half hour because you always save the best for last. Or because that's all the time you have left.

http://minutes-of-mayhem.com/podcastepisodes/

Look how cute Neal is:

I met Neal on Twitter, when he made a particularly brilliant joke on the day Steve Jobs died. "More Jobs lost on Obama's watch" was the tweet and some of his fans thought it was "too soon." If you're a comedian or a joke writer on in any aspect of the comedy business, you know there's no such thing as too soon in comedy. Funny is funny.

So I tweeted him that I thought it was hilarious and we began a conversation that culminated on me being on his show, where we discussed Astroglide, the Rapture and Michael Richards being a dick. From the moment we first spoke on DM's to the show? Two weeks.

The power of Twitter.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #93

L.A. Sign Of The Times #92

The only church on my street. Unless a cross means something else in Korean.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #91

More people on my street:

L.A. Sign Of The Times #90

Los Angeles has a metric ton of these apartment buildings. I can't even guess as to what year this is from; I think the built-in airconditioners might be a clue. This one could sit on a suburban street where Mad Men stenographers live. Instead, it's up the street from me.

To see the rest of this series of Los Angeles photos, click on the link below. They're not all normal but I guess I probably didn't have to mention that.

First, Do No Harm

That's part of a doctor's oath, to First, do no harm. I only wish lawyers, teachers, mechanics, dear God especially mechanics, Congress, wedding ceremonies and all contracts began with that simple phrase.

People might think before they act.

Which brings me to where I now live:


This picture is the western sunset captured off my balcony. In my other apartment, I had no view. One side of it looked out on the building's swimming pool and the other side overlooked a big Hollywood Hills street, Gower. Gower reaches up into the hills on its way to the Hollywood sign and winds crazily around homes and yards. But when it passed the back of my old building, it carried only cars or ambulances and during the summer, many, many tour buses. Many.

The street is so noisy that many people complained they couldn't sleep. One girl never got used to the noise and slept in her living room. She now lives elsewhere.

So now I'm in an apartment with a spectacular view. This is the southern scene from my living room window. Far in the distance I can see the red blinking lights of the LAX towers and planes coming in for a landing.


On some nights I'm lucky enough to catch the full moon.


Had my old landlords been required to put First, do no harm in their lease, I would not be in this new building. A better building, with a laundry and trash chute on each floor, an elevator and security underground parking. I would not have a built-in air conditioner or all new appliances. When I stand by my refrigerator I look down on a rooftop swallowed by pink Bougainvillea and cypress trees crawling with purple Morning Glory.

And the best part of this entire story? MY OLD LANDLORDS HAVE 3 VACANCIES IN MY OLD BUILDING AND CAN'T RENT THEM. Having not noticed that every Hollywood neighborhood was littered with For Rent signs, they jacked the rents of their pitiful one bedrooms to over $1300. One has been vacant since June 1, mine has been vacant since July 1 and another since September 1.

It's called Karma.

When your intention in life is to purposefully harm another, karma will visit you.

Motherfuckers.

The Only Kind Of High I Don't Like

If one more person tries to high-five me I will raise my hand but then I'll punch them. Even though the fist bump has threatened the high-five's world domination, it stubbornly persists in distracting sporting events, interrupting conversations, and making sex longer than it needs to be. "Yeah yeah that was good for you now can we get back to me already?"

There are many things that went on too long:

The Beanie Baby - BUT IT ENDED.

Jon Gosselin's career - BUT IT ENDED.

The Presidency of George W. Bush - BUT IT ENDED.

Andy Rooney - BUT IT ENDED.

Harry Potter Books - BUT IT ENDED.

Saturday Night Live - IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED.

Ke$ha - LORD LET IT END SOON.

Rap music - HOW HAS IT NOT ENDED?

Jerry Springer - GIVE ME A SHOTGUN AND I'LL END IT FOR HIM.

Barney: FUCK.