Monday, January 21, 2008

Somebody Please Call My Mother

I'm the type of person who, when confronted with a To Do list of 10 things, will complete the 7 easiest ones in about 56 minutes. Then I'm left with a false sense of accomplishment and can coast for days on my ability to do things half-assedly.

So the 3 hardest things I leave for last are usually in the categories:

1. Sever own limb

2. Climb Mt. Everest

3. Call my family

I can drag out these last 3 until I'm seconds away from cardiac arrest. And with my surgery 29 days away, that's exactly what I've done. Again.

Only my list does not have 10 things on it. I started out with that dream and then that list had babies and now it looks like this:

Just to give you an idea of how far I can take this, one of my 3 hardest tasks on this current list included completing the trademark on my blog name. Months after I started blogging I got emails from industry about how great the name was, plus a mob suggestion from a well known comedy writer here in LA that I should trademark it. It required a lot more money than I wanted to spend and multiple merchandise samples to submit to the United States Patent and Trademark Office but because of the ubiquity of the Where 'Something' Comes To Die concept, I went ahead with it. The name was approved but of the four samples submitted, only two were accepted. The other two were rejected because of a colon.

And not the kind in your intestine.

The USPTO said I had six months to redo the last two samples. In my world, the rest of my life. So first I removed the colon from my banner only to realize that now it looked like I knew nothing about punctuation. And I'm a writer and that's part of what you need to, you know, write. So I'm aware of rules like where to place a semi-colon, that an ellipsis has 3 dots and that in a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction a comma is required after each term except the last and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So Hollywood: Where Hot Comes To Die™ is correct. Without the colon? Not so much. Maybe no one else has noticed but now that I've told you, admit that it looks like I flunked 5th grade English. Which, looking back, I might have.

The last sample was more complicated to fix so of course I waited until the penultimate second to resubmit. Now I'm just praying that it doesn't get rejected because of another body part.

The last thing on my list is Call My Mother. Anyone?

End of chat.


  1. Didn't read the post...just want to say GO Giants!!

  2. I don't understand why they wouldn't accept the colon.

  3. Al, if the Giants win, I will post that "The Giants won and I'm a moron." But if the Pats win, then you have to post that The Pats won and you're a moron." Fair?

    Erika, they didn't accept the colon because I submitted it without one in the original trademark.

  4. Why not? I heard they weren't going to beat the Bucs, Boys or Pack so why not the Pats.

  5. But the Bucs, Boys or GB didn't have an 18-0 record going into the Superbowl.

    It's over for the G-Men. The mental game of who they're up against will crush them.

  6. You guys are so funny. I wish you were my neighbors.

  7. Anne, we could be but we both hate cold weather which is why Al is in Florida and I'm in LA.

  8. I'm going to call your Mother and tell her to take the Giants with the 14 points.

  9. She lives in Paris so good luck with paying for that call.

    Especially after you've dropped some cash on your Giants.

  10. Ask Mom if she wants my bookies' email address? Easy Francs.

  11. Francs? Those died years ago.

    The new currency in the European commonwealth is Euros (except for the Brits who are snottier than 3 year olds with a cold and still use pounds, pence etc)

    The Euro is dominant over the dollar right now so it would be you that tanked on your bet.

    Go Pats!

  12. Anonymous4:47 PM

    "1. Sever own limb"

    Stuff like this is why I *heart* Suzy.

  13. Hey Suzy, that list thing looks so familiar. I am so unbelievably behind it's ridiculous. In fact, I was about to blog about how unbelievably behind I am, but maybe I will just blog more excuses.

  14. Hey Surcie, I heart you back.

    Merecat, I wonder who has got the longest list in the blogosphere?

  15. Maybe you can start a "Call Mom by Proxy" club. You call other people's moms that way you only have to talk about the weather and no serious subjects. The other members do the same for you.

  16. bee, you're a genius.

  17. This is a late comment, as Verizon has left me without a dial tone for another 24 hours!
    I don't know why anyone would want to climb Mt. Everest.
    I also want to sever my own limb.
    And I love bee's idea!
    I definately need help with semi-colons. I think I know where colons are supposed to be placed, but semi-colons, no clue. You probably already knew that.

  18. Anonymous10:58 AM

    Patriots: where Giants go to die!

  19. Hey MJ,
    How about putting your money where your font is?

    Sahara is giving

    Didn't think so.

    BTW, Soro as a Yankee fan, you should be ashamed.

  20. Romas, I am ashamed. I'm ashamed that you can't spot a winner from your barca lounger.

    Put down the hooker and pay attention.

  21. Anonymous12:11 PM

    Marney, a fabulous bartender at The Beach Bar in Waikiki will tell me what an appropriate bet will be. He never loses...

  22. MJ,
    A fabulous hooker told me from my barca lounger to take the GMen with the points.

    As if my wife would ever let me have a barca lounger.

  23. Soro, Anne, and another poor fool who didn't believe in the GMen. I now fly home loaded with Vegas cash. If you guys need help in with a pick in the future, you know where to find me.

  24. You might need a comma before the last term. It depends on whether you're using AP style.

    Janie, Grammar Police (see badge in my sidebar)

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