Monday, January 28, 2008

The JanFebs

This is the time of year when things suck and suck hard. We've gained weight, regret the money we've spent over the holidays and hate our children jobs. Weather is bad, couples get divorced, and the wrong celebrities die.

Here in sunny Southern California CAN IT JUST STOP RAINING FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? And it's 36 degrees F at night. Are we in Russia or something? I can hear people in Canada removing me from their feeds right now because 36 F in Canada in the winter is actually summer to them. I hear you; who needs my whining? Please, that's all I have left.

Saturday my mail lady called me from the downstairs intercom to tell me I had a package. How nice you say, she didn't just drop it and run. Really? Really? Well normally she brings them straight to my door on the second floor. On a plate of rose petals. With a blank check attached. But now it's the JanFebs, so she's all 'I hate the second floor and hope you die.'

I did an 18% TCA peel this week. It's supposed to Zamboni off your dead cells and transform your skin into a surface that Wayne Gretzky could easily navigate. Liars! It peeled so lightly that it looked like I had dust bunnies on my face. And not the good kind, which are all bunched up like tumbleweeds and ready to be Swiffered away. These are all scattered about like leprosy. And don't look as good. Wayne Gretzky would break a leg skating on my face.

The closer I get to my surgery, the more aggravated I get. Can you tell? This will be my third major surgery in five years and I remember better days, when I could walk without pain. I found this picture of me that was taken two and a half years ago. (I'm the one with the purse)
This is when I could wear heels, walk two miles a day five days a week and was a size 6. That skirt? Sitting in a corner of my closet crying. And those 4 inch heels ran away from home back in the summer of 2007.

Sidebar: I have no idea who that guy in the picture is or why we have our arms around each other. This is just your garden variety Hollywood Picture Taking Stance. I think he manages a singing group from the 80's. He looks sleazy enough to do that. Anyway, it was a big lunch and everyone took photos and someone sent me this. The white dress you see floating into the shot belongs to one of the women who I cut out of the photo because she's insane.

In other Body News, my neck is on strike. It turns out that if you don't exercise regularly then when you start doing upper body work to prepare yourself for 3 months on crutches, you'll be so tense that you'll hunch up your shoulders and walk around like Frankenstein.

My shoulders are so close to my jawline that I could wear them as earrings.

End of chat.


  1. Okay,this is the third time I am attempting to publish this. I am writing it all over...
    Your weather out there DOES suck, and I am in Vermont.
    I also could use a zambonie treatment for my face.
    And, look at you miss sexy legs! Wow!

  2. At least you didn't get raw meat face. I've seen that, it isn't appetizing at all.

    Even when it sucks a fat one, it could suck a fat one in a black hole suck. I'm a PollyAnna like that.

  3. You're just beautiful! I can't imagine what you might need to peel. Sorry about the impending doom, though.

  4. gm, you can order TCA peels over the web and they're cheap. $25 for a smallish bottle that will probably last well over 2 years.

    deb, it's the janfebs, no pollyannas allowed!!

    merecat, since I don't get facials I need to exfoliate. It's LA, it's the law.

  5. I hear you, girlfriend! You'll notice that there hasn't been a helluva lot of posting at my place lately (or maybe you haven't noticed it, so just take my word for it). That's because I just don't care right now. I'm sure that when my mail-order dose of Gives-A-Shit comes in, I'll be fine, though.

  6. Amen to your sentiments about Jan/Feb. People in general just seem rather pissed off and unhappy. Whole lotta miserable pricks out there...

  7. That is an awesome handbag though!

  8. jami, I noticed you were MIA and when you get those pills in, please send me some, I feel the same way...

    rickey, see above reply.

    erika, no matter how pissy it is, ya gotta have bags!

  9. Anonymous4:34 PM

    Don't worry, that photo makes you look like a happy Avon Lady... getting a bit on the side with the unsuspecting hosts, husband.

    Prinn xxxx

  10. Prinn, maybe you'd like me to sell some of my Avony things to Ben, perchance?

  11. It's not that I find your pain funny- I find how you talk about your pain funny. I am not sure if this is comforting for you or not.

  12. eileen, I'm a comic first, a person in pain second. So yes, your comment is very comforting...

  13. You look fabulous and i love those shoes. Your right... Sitting here in MN with the wind chill and white out conditions I would do anything for 36 degree weather and rain, however your post makes me feel better knowing that it sucks out there too.

  14. First-time visitor here - I noticed your comment over at MadMad's and had to stop by. "Chin up, tits out" - I like that. And you're right - men think a joke is funny simply by virtue of the fact that they told it; therefore, you should laugh. What's up with that?

    I'll be back.

  15. God, I've been pissy about Jan/Feb weather here in nyc. And I'm always telling my husband that we MUST move to CA where we can be sunny and happy.

    But it's raining there. So I'm sorry about your miserable weather. But it does make me feel a smidge better. So selfish, I know.

    You are funny.

  16. Suburban C, can't take the credit for Chin Up, Tits Out, but I can't remember where it comes from.

    mamabird, it didn't rain today. Now I hear there's more rain coming. Why does God hate California more than usual this winter?

  17. Anonymous7:31 AM

    you lookin' hot in them heels girl. write me. i'm a loser

  18. I have multiple items of clothing past haning in the closet plotting sick revenge for straining their seamlines before their untimely demise to closet hell.

    I have a love/hate with my treadmill and am feverishly trying to convince myself that I should become a fitness addict again.
    So far, I'm not winning that battle.

    Love the skirt and shoes...You'll soon dry it's tears I'm sure!