Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dancing With The MRI

Today I had an MRI for my ankle but it wasn't in this machine. It was in a smaller one with an opening for my leg. I can't imagine going into one of the body MRIs. I'm not claustrophobic, but I'm sure everyone says that until they have one of those. It only took an hour and fifteen minutes and I read trashy magazines during the process. (Seriously, Angelina? How can you not like George Clooney?) During the set up, the technician said he had a hundred stories about the 'crazy' stuff that happens in his MRI cubicle. Once the scan started I asked him to tell me some and it turned out he had ONE story. I'm no math genius but 100 vs. 1 is really you just needing a hug.

He said he had a man in his 70's who warned him that he sometimes started to pee but he never knew when it was going to happen nor did he even feel himself peeing. Halfway through the scan the tech hears water and thinks he's going to have to clean up a pee-soaked MRI machine. It turned out to be the old man's water bottle. He had knocked it over and all the tech heard was the gushing liquid.

Real glad I chose standup as my profession because you know, stuff happens.

I took a sweater in with me because I haven't been into any doctor's facility that's warmer than 64 degrees in..... ever. And the longer you stay in one position, the colder it gets. I always keep sweaters, sneakers, and gloves in the trunk of my car. You never know when I'm going to be driving around southern California and a spontaneous snow storm/marathon/CSI investigation will break out.

I am totally hooked on Dancing With The Stars after having trashed it every year since it began. I started watching because I like Scary Spice because she and all the Spices can dance. To me, if you can't dance, well, there will be no sex. Ever. If you're a white guy, do the world a favor and take some lessons and lose the White Man's Overbite. If you don't know what that is, you're a white guy who can't dance. Girls, stop laughing.

In 1997 I was on a Canadian tour and because there's not a lot going on in parts of Canada (Hello Saskatchewan, love you anyway) we got our picture in the Calgary Sun with the Spice Girls. And even though they were mega famous at the time, somehow we got the top copy. So wrong.

And a radio station made us wear those tee shirts. Again, so wrong.

End of chat.


  1. I had to have an MRI on my knee about ten years ago, and I employed my super powers to accelerate the hour and a half it took to just a few minutes - I fell asleep as soon as I lay down.

  2. Anonymous9:50 AM

    Jami, I can't even fall asleep in my own bed half the time. Lucky you.

  3. I wrote about my awesome powers (for which I refuse to take any responsibility, Spider-Man be damned) here. I've actually managed to help my kids learn to fall asleep, too, so maybe there's hope for you.

  4. I hope they find what is wrong with your ankle so it can be fixed.
    The incontinent man should have been wearing a Depends. Then he wouldn't have felt the need to share the fact that he pees himself to the world. I am sure by the time I need Depends they will look similar to the Costco underwear I wear now, so it won't be such a big transition. Except the peeing on myself part.

  5. I keep telling my husband he would get laid much more often if he would learn to dance. As much as he bitches about not getting any, you would think he would jump at the chance, but nope.

    BTW - Did you reply to e-mails containing our photo entries? Or more directly, did you get mine?

  6. You had to go to Sask? I am so sorry. If you ever hit Vancouver let me know- I'll be there. I'll even bring an extra sweater for you if you like.

  7. Feet are so common. A saucy ankle peg with a caster and you're ready for the road company of Xanadu.

  8. I had an MRI for my kidney stones... but it only took about 20 minutes. How did I get that lucky?

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