Monday, September 03, 2007

Things My Mother Has Said To Me With A Straight Face

MOM: Monica Bellucci is a terrible actress.
ME: Did you see her in The Passion of the Christ?
MOM: No.
ME: Have you ever seen her act?
MOM: No.
ME: Then how can you tell?
MOM: Just by looking at her.

MOM: Lava is not that heavy.
ME: Have you ever picked up a piece of lava?
MOM: No.

-I finally found a good hairdo for you
-There’s only one correct sleeve length and that’s not it
-The Palais de Versailles is not that great an architectural achievement
-Vivien Leigh did not make a good Scarlett O’Hara
-There’s only one way to pilot a 747
-That’s not how you open an umbrella
-Vitamin C will keep you up at night
-Wind blowing on your face in the back of a car will give you a cold
-Your mattress is too heavy to lift
-Your mattress is too heavy to lift
-Your mattress is too…sound of self-inflicted gunshot to my frontal lobe

CARNAC (holding the envelope to his forehead): What’s wrong with me?
ED McMAHON: The question is What’s wrong with me?
(Johnny directs withering look to the camera)
CARNAC (tearing open the end of the envelope and blowing into it) What’s the one question Suzy Soro will never ask her mother unless she loses her hearing?

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous1:11 PM

    Suggestion: Air mattress. On the floor.

    I think I've developed a slight twitch in my upper left eyelid as a result of this post.

  2. Oh my gawd. The walls are turning to liquid. I am having a
    D e j a V u !

  3. OMG if your mother and my mother ever met, they probably would both self destruct. Lets set up lunch.

  4. Anonymous10:29 PM

    surcie- LOL !

    What’s wrong with me?

    suz-Maybe it was that fingernail you stuck in your ea...
    I guess everybody is unique(?same).

  5. Anonymous11:32 PM

    girls, girls, girls, we all have the same mother. We're lucky we're not in prison and somebody's bith.

    They'd pick gm first because she's sweet and of the nurse persuasion and could build them shivs.

    Then they'd pick Surcie because she's close to go and help THEM find God.

    I would be the lastly chosen bitch due to the unfortunate timing of my jokes.

  6. Anonymous6:40 AM

    I might be blogging from prison.

  7. Anonymous10:41 AM

    I find it funny (tragic) that we all had the same mothers and we're not hearing mauch from the guys here on their mothers because:
    A. Mothers are nicers to sons?
    B. Sons stay far away from their mothers
    C. Men fear their mothers becasue they know they read my blog and fear repercussions
    D. Men don't listen to their husbands any more than they listen to us?

  8. My mother, trying to give me a lesson in public etiquette, told me, "Don't stare at that blind man!"

  9. Anonymous12:05 PM

    those with normal mothers possibly do not share the same sense of humour as those of us who had rocket scientists for mothers...