Friday, August 31, 2007

My Body Needs More Ram

When I was 15, there was an urban legend going around that Revlon would pay you $50.00 if you could grow one of your fingernails an inch long. I was almost there until one day the ¾ of an inch pinky nail I had carefully clucked over broke off and fell into my lap. I sat in my father’s armchair near tears. I had been counting on that money to run away from home and go to a place where I would be loved and appreciated. Like a penitentiary.

I picked up the broken nail and inserted it into my right ear canal. Which is why I had trouble growing up in the suburbs. I was so abnormal it hurt.

I tried to get the nail out but with no luck. I tried a Q-tip but was afraid it would push it in further and then it would rupture my gray matter and I’d do even worse in Geometry than I was currently doing. By now I was tired of the daily lecture, You’ll need it one day and then you’ll be sorry. Yeah, I’m sorry all right, sorry that I believed that my parents knew what they were talking about. Bisect this, motherfuckers.

About 10 days later my inner ear itched and when I stuck my finger in to scratch it, the lost nail came out.

The same thing also happens with wood splinters. The body will eventually reject them.

The eye of a human can distinguish 500 shades of gray.

Our skeletons renew themselves every 7 years. Not all at the same time, but still, after 7 years you will have a brand new set of bones. A new skeleton.

Humans shed and re-grow outer skin cells roughly every 27 days. That’s almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime unless of course you stick a fingernail in your ear canal at the age of 15 and puncture your brain and die.

Sidebar: Please don't bother commenting that a fingernail in the ear canal couldn't reach the brain. Some people need to start reading this blog after they've ordered a sense of humor from

So why, if you sleep 8 hours a night every night for 27 years and on the day after the 27 years you only sleep 4 hours, why are you so wiped out that you can’t remember how to inhale much less make coffee? 500 shades of gray and no extra space for some stored sleep? Ridiculous.

End of chat.


  1. If we renew ourselves that often, and am a whole different person, does it mean I can't be held responsible for any naughties commited ten years ago. Because if thats so I can stop wearing this bloody false beard. I once stashed a tab of LSD in my ear and went completely deaf in brilliant colours.

  2. Hey, did you know that if you stick a fingernail in your ear it wouldn't reach your brain? (Sorry. I couldn't resist.)

  3. There is the potential, though, that if you pushed the nail in far enough it would puncture your ear drum, then you would go deaf in that ear and eventually you would get an infection that would reach your brain. Then you wouldn't be able to distinguish all the shades of gray, and you wouldn't care because you would be brain damaged. I am a nurse, I know this because I have already worried about it.

  4. Someone should tell the Fundamentalists about that whole "shades of gray" thing.

  5. I've never understood though why if we do regrow every 7 years that we still get old and wrinkley. I was doing a lot of research on quantum physics till it hit me that if we have the ability to create our own future, why were these scientists a. fat b. ugly or c. dead? Sorry, that was a bit off topic.

  6. Anonymous11:36 AM

    Whatever you do, do NOT stop writing. We live for this information.
    Martha Jane

  7. Anonymous12:17 PM

    Dave G: you are ALWAYS forgiven for all naughties in my book.

    madmad: Everyone's a comedian, huh?

    Mama: If I was in the medical field I would know way too much about stuff I really don't want to know about.

    Joel B: Right on, brutha.

    Erika: Good point!

    MJ: I can't stop writing, otherwise I'd have to do something that paid money and who needs that pressure?

  8. Second law of thermodynamics.
    translation? Plastic Surgury (erika)

  9. Anonymous6:53 PM

    I'm not buying the skin thing. If it's true, why do I use a moisturizer called "Hope in a Jar?"

    You were quite a kid, Suz.

  10. Anonymous7:03 PM

    anne: well we all know how pro-plastic surgery I am!

    surcie: How is that Hope in a Jar? I've heard a lot about it.

  11. Anonymous8:16 PM

    I love it. If I were selling it on QVC (as I noticed they're doing now--but I order it from Sephora), I would use the word "emollient" a lot. I don't have a lot of experience with moisturizers, but after I heard Oprah rave about it approximately 258 times, I had to have it.

  12. maybe I have something in my ear- 'cause I'm having problem hearing people...or maybe they just need to take that dick out of their mouths. It's either one- I choose to believe the latter.

  13. Heh. I knew a lady who's eyeliner pencil tip broke off in her eye and eventually it came out her nose.

  14. Anonymous5:33 AM

    Stepping over, I know you're just trying to gross me out now, right?

  15. Anonymous2:34 AM

    suz- THIS is a funny rant...

    fuck lenny bruce.

    Sirry I'm late, sirry.

  16. Anonymous12:41 PM

    Suzy: You are one funny woman. I sat here at my computer reading about your nosebleed and LMAO. Ed walked by my office and asked, "What's so funny?" I thought about telling him about my mental picture of you with the tampons in your nose (and strings hanging down), but decided against it. He wouldn't understand! Keep on blogging. I love it!

    PS: How is your hip (the Indian one)? Mine are fabulous!

    Donna in Ohio