Monday, August 13, 2007

Honest Liars

I live in the only town in the world where you can’t reveal your real age. Well, you can, but people just add seven years to whatever you say. Then they forget what you said and you forget what you told them so if they ask you again you give another age and the next thing you know they think you’re 87.

Hollywood practices the most egregious form of ageism and yes, it’s against the law and no one can ask you how old you are yet they get around it by asking your representative. When I was with Bruce, my first L.A. agent, he was talking on the phone to a casting director.
“How old is Suzy?” She enquired.
“Mid 30’s.” He replied.

Individuals who tell you how old they are usually do so because they think they look great. The minute they stop hearing, “You look fantastic,” and instead are met with an incredulous, stricken look, that’s the last time they make that information public. As we all know, the only people who love aging are pre-teens and the elderly. Wow! You’re 12 and a half! Amazing! You’re 102 years young. Not so impressive when you realize neither of these groups can drive you to the airport nor lend you money. And you're not young dumb ass; Methuselah is your grandchild, okay? You're old. Own it and stop getting on my nerves.

One person I know went through my wallet and looked at my license. Then she told other people how old I was and it got back to me. Subsequent to her nosiness, I disclosed some choice things about her and she had no idea. Still doesn’t. I would never have revealed one thing about her had she not been such an asshole. This is a very competitive town and I’m a very competitive person. If you end up costing me work, I will go after you. In a big way.

Which brings me to the topic of women and gossiping. Never tell a woman anything you don’t want passed around for the next twenty years. Men are much less complicated. They don’t remember what you told them five minutes ago. Which is why they should get sex on demand.

Instead of giving out our ages, I think we should disclose our IQ’s. Not so many people would be blabbing. Especially in Hollywood.

End of chat.


  1. oh you see? I fear disclosing my IQ because I don't want to see eyes rolling. Funny thing is my daughter's dad was just as competitive as me and he paid for both of us to get tested ('cause I told him I was smarter than he was)- we went into this psych center, he paid some fees, and we went in. A week later our results were mailed to us. Both of us had the same exact score. I told him I'd won because we were smart in the same way on that test but in street smarts, I was still ahead of him. He conceded.

  2. Sex on demand? Amen to that!

    My IQ is 142. That makes me a total genius, so I don't put much stock in IQ tests.

  3. For years I was 146 and my dad was 152, and we just switched two years ago. I guess he shouldn't have told me all the family secrets.

  4. Anonymous11:37 AM

    1. When I lived in Hollywood I always told people I was at least ten years older than my real age. They were shocked at how good I looked.
    2. My favorite casting story is from about 1991. I was then in my 40s. A 20 year old casting director said, "How would you describe yourself?" I said, "I'm the Margaret Dumont of the nineties." She said, "Who's that?" Apparently, you don't need to have watched any of the Marx Brothers movies to become a casting director on a major comedy project.
    Martha Jane

  5. Anonymous3:33 PM

    It's just me, I could have told you were smarter than he was for free!

    D2, we all know you're a genius. Why rub our noses in it?????

    Author, atheist etc. My sister used to be younger than me but now she's older so I can totally relate.

    MJ, remember the David Brenner story? When he was trying to explain some old comedy stars to some young guy in devo? And the guy condescendingly says, "David, that was before my time." And Brenner replies, "The Civil War was before my time but I still know all about it!"

  6. I am 39, people in Vermont don't give a crap how old you are! However, I will say that whenever I go out to eat I still get carded if I order a drink.
    I do suffer from Ageism though. Before I worked in a hospital I worked in a nursing home, where I quickly learned to hate old people. I try to be open minded but, most of them really just annoy me.
    As far as my IQ, I have no idea. But I do know that a sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. And I am here aren't I?

  7. Anonymous4:19 PM

    gm: I don't know why a lot of people get meaner as they age. Maybe they were just mean all along and no one noticed?

  8. Anonymous8:59 PM

    I love the sex-on-demand line, Suz.

    And clearly, you're way too smart for Hollywood.