Monday, September 10, 2007


I write Monday's posts on Sundays. So they're not really in the moment. But then there are days like yesterday, Sunday, where I don't really care about today's post and try and fill up the spaces in between with interesting activities. Although apparently I've forgotten the meaning of 'interesting.' Like I thought I should spackle and repaint a small portion of a wall. That did not happen because that was more boring than writing. Then I thought I'd watch two movies I rented, Georgia Rule and Breach. If I have my life to do over, I would learn German declensions and study the Talmud rather than watch those movies again.

So here are a few things - in the moment - that I want to get off my double DD's. Double CC's? Okay, Double B+'s.

1. I have a former friend named Marla who is stalking me by telephone. You know how you think you know people and then one day they turn out to be a total psycho? She is what is called a borderline personality and is very obsessive. I never talked to her much over the years but in the last few months we talked a lot and now I see why I avoided her all those years. I know my family doesn't like her but they hate everyone so I didn't really pay that much attention. Anyone else have a psychotic friend they can't unload? And if you did unload them, how did you do it? I know stalking can be referred to police, should I call them?

2. I went in to get a spray tan and if you haven't gotten one yet, don't. Not unless you spend the big bucks like Paris and have a person individually paint you with a spray gun. That costs about $160. (Remember seeing that spray tan van pulling into her grandfather's estate after she was released from jail?) I went into one of those booths that cost $25.00. There are clear directions but all you can think of is that you're going to look like Ross from Friends after his run-in with the tanning booth. It's also annoying, too many places to put cream on to protect knees, ankles, knuckles etc. Then when the spray blast stops, which lasts about 6 seconds and takes your breath away, you have to wipe it off or pat it down or rub it in or lick it off or something else time consuming. Either way, your feet come out twenty shades darker that your legs. Here's a tip, make sure the shower cap is pushed all the way back to your hairline and not halfway across your forehead or you'll end up with have that unfortunate hippie look, with the headband across the forehead.

3. I went to It's A Wrap, a store over in the valley that sells clothes from movie and TV sets. They list the shows on a piece of paper on the wall and there are codes beside the names so you can see what show you're wearing. I didn't find anything, mainly because on the way down the street I found a half Chinese folding screen that was perfect for in front of my desk and lost total interest in clothes. BUT I did end up peering into a bin that had flesh-colored Spanx in them for only $6.00. As I was sorting through them, I picked one up and noticed it had a pouch in the crotch. It was a PENIS Spanx! At first I didn't understand it. I mean, I get that on TV even the men need to be pulled in to avoid the muffin top look but why would you want to crush your penis? It wasn't even padded, which would have been my suggestion but I don't have one so maybe padding it is just asking for trouble.

So here we are, in the moment. I have a psychotic stalker, my feet are darker than dirt and I felt the Penis Spanx.

End of chat.


  1. When it comes to repelling psychotic women, I am the last person on earth who should be advising you... I attract them in droves.

  2. If you are not in fear of your physical safety, then I say, be honest. She'll try and make you feel guilty, but don't fall for it. She's crazy! If you are scared she's going to beat you up. RUN!
    I never had a spray on tan, but I do love that episode of Friends.
    And what is spanx?

  3. Wow,that must be the inflation of Hollywood, because here in S Florida, you can get a person to spray on your tan for $30. It's almost worth a flight out.

  4. Anonymous12:22 PM

    I had a stalker when I lived in L.A. She had done standup for like an hour in New York in the 70s, then moved to California. I had met her at the Improv. She had been grocery shopping with me about 20 years ago and noticed that I had purchased Cheer liquid detergent (the anti-allergy kind). Even after I wasn't speaking to her because she was a major weirdo, she would send me Cheer coupons in the mail like every two weeks, and not regular mail, but she would take envelopes that came to her house and mark "please forward" and then put my address on it (hello mail fraud?). I think that's one of the 50 reasons I moved to Hawaii...Suzy, we will welcome you any time you need to get away from your stalker...
    Martha Jane

  5. Anonymous12:36 PM

    D2, I feel for you since this one is top of the line Psycho. She can't keep a relationship for longer than 20 minutes, gee I wonder why?

    gm, I've told her I know it's her on the phone, she refutes it. What's so absurd is that I have NO friends who do this, and I had her calls traced!

    Erika, wow, 30 bucks for a hand spray? That's insane, you're right, that is worth the trip.

    MJ, you can write Please Forward on any piece of mail and it's not mail fraud. My dad was the Budget Controller for the US Postal Dept in D.C. and he taught us how to do that. Some people move so it's a legit thing to do, not to mention it saves you a stamp and an envelope.

  6. Anonymous1:13 PM

    suz- the nutcase, you confront in a public place and tell it you dont want to see it again. No fear! Dont have to be mean. Do have to be firm.

    Problem persists, call 911 or stalking thingy's/100'distance/blah..

    I dont know anything `bout that stuff...

  7. Anonymous1:21 PM

    I would learn German declensions

    stop it.

  8. Anonymous4:06 PM

    gm, Spanx were invented by this woman. They're undergarments that hold all your bits a little tighter. It never occurred to me that men used them as well although it makes sense, since they shave off a few pounds. They normally cost around $25. so to get them for 6 is a steal.

  9. ok if telling her outirght to leave you the fuck alone doesn't work, i would say restraining order looks good right about now.

  10. I can practically see the commercial, with your back 3/4 to the camera, you turn your head and swish your hair and perfectly hit the tag line:

    "Talmud... it's not just for shiksas any more."