Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Rug Burn And A 22 Year Old

I bet you all clicked on that title faster than white on rice which is the dumbest expression I've ever heard and I don't even know how it connotes being fast. And yes, I know someone will write and tell me so why Google? (Blognut just wrote me and told me I got the expression wrong and explained it to me but now I'm just confused)

I took a face-plant 2 days ago in the middle of the night. The next morning I had RUG BURN on my face and also had Pinocchio's nose. Apparently I haven't hurt myself enough recently so I'm getting creative.

There have been many car break-ins in our neighborhood lately. I never leave anything in my car; I even remove the steering wheel and the back seat. Johnny and Carson, the married couple who live across the street, had their shiny black Pathfinder broken into because they left their GPS on the front seat. The thieves took that and the GARAGE DOOR clicker and Carson says if they come back to kill her she'll shoot first with the loaded shotgun she keeps in the house. Good to know.

So Johnny was helping me save a baby hummingbird that flew very close to me and landed in the middle of the street. As Johnny picked him up he said the thieves also took their cassette tapes and added, "Why in the world would anyone steal those?"

He walked to his house while I went to retrieve the cassette tapes from my car. My car doesn't have a DVD player and I only listen to talk radio. I threw them in my bag and went to the corner store, pulled out my wallet to pay and a cassette tape got caught and flipped onto the counter.

The kid next to me takes out his portable bullhorn and screams "DUDE, WHAT ARE THOSE? ARE THOSE CASSETTE TAPES?
"Yes, but they're very cool ones."
So of course the one on the counter was Enya and I admitted that was a little gay but I also had The Best of Marvin Gaye, Sgt. Pepper's, The Immaculate Collection by Madonna and James Ingram.
"Christ on a stick, how old are you?"
"Dude, you so missed all the great music."

Then the owner told us to leave.

End of chat.


  1. It's not supposed to be, "faster than white on rice!" It's supposed to be, "all over that like white on rice!"

    Geez! How is white on rice fast?

    But I did totally click on that title faster than white on rice! :-)

  2. Are you a method actor secretly preparing for a role of a person with Munchausen's disease?

    I KNEW IT.

  3. Some parent has done that child wrong! How can they not know those "new classics".

    I had to show my 10 year old what a record looked like this week. Geez i'm getting old.

  4. Ahahaa.

    A garage door opener? How do you think they came about taking that?

    thief 1: "Hey, look, their garage door opener."

    thief 2: "No, man, come on. We got the GPS, let's go."

    thief 1: "No, wait. What do you think they'd say if we took this? How random would that be?"

    thief 2: "About as random as taking their cassette tapes too. Let's go. Now."

    thief 1: "Hey, good idea. What tunes do they have here, anyway? ::searches:: Michael Jackson, Jewel, Michael Bolton, what the hell is this?"

    thief 2: "COME ON. Leave that stuff. Let's GO, before they catch us."

    thief 1: "I'm taking it all. Garage door opener too. ::shoves it all in his pants:: Sell it on eBay or something. How much do you think it'd all go for? $500?"

    thief 2: "Jesus Christ, you're such a dumbass."



  5. I hate people under the age of 25 because I am not them. Jerks!

  6. You meant "Sgt. Pepper," right?

  7. Talk Radio hum? You drive around yelling at that Rush Limburger don't you? I still have a VCR, a record player WITH records and a tape player. I used to have an 8 track player but Kahuna took it to Goodwill.

  8. I won't even put the GPS holder up--after my car was broken into the police told me they often look for the telltale suction cup mark and even if you've taken the GPS inside, they don't find out until they already broke your window.

  9. Dude, I clicked on that faster than stink on shit!

    Stupid, stupid kid. Enya freakin' RULES! When I go to the dentist, I get the co2 and the Enya cd and baaa...bye!

  10. You said it!! (this coming from the girl who could not recognize The Who!!!)

  11. At least you were'nt getting any Celine Dion were you?

  12. yeah, well I clicked faster than shit through a goose.

    um, i'm not sure WHERE i got that one, but it IS one of my favorites.

  13. "Like white on rice" used in a sentence.

    "If Brandi Roderick ever met me, she'd be on me like white on rice."

    Kinda like "she'd me on me like a hen on a junebug". Which is strange because hens aren't sexually attracted to junebugs; they just want to eat them. Interesting...I'm lost now.

    Good job on saving the hummingbird. You scored big points for that one.



  14. How about faster than a prom dress coming off? My personal favorite, for sentimental reasons of course.

  15. Were you able to save the hummingbird?

  16. I have a cassette player in my truck but don't have anymore cassette tapes as they were all stolen. I leave the doors unlocked for this very reason. If they want it bad enough they can have it, I just don't want them to break the windows.

    People steal the garage door openers thinking they can get into the house through the garage. It's a bitch when they take it 'cause you have to change the locks and get a new garage door opener, or change the code I suppose.

    Young kids have no appreciation for good music...too much hippity hop crap.

  17. I'm not a fan of the white on rice comment either, maybe because i prefer wild rice and it's not all white? :) God i'm glad i dont have to lock my car, house... ANYTHING because the only things willing to steal in my neighborhood are the racoons and they are more interested in the trash. I hope your nose is ok! shit! oh, and amen to the Beatles tape- i would give my big toe for the vinyl. Hugs

  18. LMAO

    I feel your pain sista.. Not too long ago, I had to explain to a 20 something co-worker what a Mad Lib was.

    Then another older than me co-worker came along and we started started talking about "Freebird" The young punk had no idea what we were talking about.. sigh.

    and seriously?? WTH does anyone want with cassette tapes? GAH!

  19. Well shit. Now i gots me some googling to do - because what DOES that mean?! And why the hell does anyone say it?

    Is it racist to rice?

    Damn you Suzy!

  20. The first woman I dated (cough) always used that phrase about me, when talking about when we first met. I always thought it was a bizarre statement and not very pc.

    Yesterday my son was digging in a box in the closet and pulled out a black case and asked what it was. I said I thought it was my ex's cassettes, but give it here and let me look. I opened it and sure enough it was her (not the white on rice girl) cassettes. Elton John, and some country stuff I didn't recognize. Anyway, my son asked me what "those" were as if he'd never seen one before. He's 14.

  21. Hope the little hummer is okay :)

    Cassette tapes can have the innards pulled out and used like streamers... the thieves must have been having a party.

  22. The police in parts of Vermont have started giving people fake tickets on their cars. On them is a grade reflecting how secure your car is.For example, if you have something worth stealing that can be seen and especially if your doors are open, you get an F. If you have nothing and your doors are locked you get an A. I guess even people in Vermont get robbed.