Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P. Michael, Farrah, Ed And Governor Who?

I don't care if Governors cheat on their wives. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been doing it for well over 20 years before our great state of California ELECTED HIM GOVERNOR. TWICE. It's apparently a prerequisite out here.

I suspose if you were a huge fan of the 70's and 80's, yesterday was a big loss for you. I wrote recently about seeing Farrah. I was at the Improv on Melrose uselessly sucking up to anyone over the age of 16. She didn't look right but was surrounded by a coterie of young comics and tourists. She was graciously signing autographs and taking pictures with everyone. I, for once, stayed away from her because she looked melancholy. Something seemed off. I found out later that was the time frame she was diagnosed with cancer.

If you saw the shameless View yesterday morning, you heard Baba Wawa pimping out her special on Farrah Fawcett-almost-O'Neal. She mentioned 3 times they moved it up a day because they announced that Farrah was hours from death. My heart was beating so fast. THANK GOD I FINALLY WATCHED THE VIEW TODAY.

So when Michael Jackson died, all I could think about was Barbara pulling out the hair under her wig knowing she'd been officially wiped off the news. They're mentioning it out here every 5 minutes of every hour on Jackson. If you look closely at the footage on Michael, you can see the kerchief in front of his face hides the loss of his nose, which collapsed long ago and finally could not be fixed. He wore a custom made nose plate and wore the kerchief to hide it. There are still some side shots where the plate gapes over the nose and you can see it. It looks like a nose eave.

It's terrible and cheap to talk about Jackson's plastic surgery but hello, have you met me?

Thriller, still best album and video ever. RIP Jacko. Little boys everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief.

RIP Ed McMahon. I did Starsearch with Ed. Mr. McMahon was a large man. Tall and broad and just, big. The only time you got to see him was when they were lining up the two finalists for possible national humiliation. So there I was, standing next to X Comic (I got in trouble with my buddy Ron the last time I mentioned and trashed this comic's win so I'll leave out his name) and Ed announced our scores. I got 3 and a quarter stars and X comic got 3 and 3 quarters stars. If you watch the tape, you see me stand there a second trying to remember fractions. I cannot. Ed gently moved me along. I was mortified.

And just to prove to you all those shows are rigged, my Dad said to me later, "How could that guy have won over you? "

Apparently the editors agreed with my Dad because when I received a copy of the tape, they had removed my biggest joke, the one that got an applause break, another joke and cut my overall time down by 60 seconds. Obviously if they had felt that K.A. really should have won, they would have left all my stuff intact. They edited me out to make Mr. Apio look better.

So again, heartfelt good wishes and best ever to Kermit Apio.

And my final thought. If one more person refers to a dead person with "He's in a better place right now" I would just like to respond with.

How do you know? Have you been there? Fool.

End of chat.


  1. I've only just awakened here in the EU and already I am sick of all the "reactions" of all the Jackson fans standing outside the hospital being played ad infinitum on CNN International.

  2. I suppose we will be hearing about his death everyday for the next 2 month or so.. unless we blow up N Korea or something.

    I just turned my head towards the TV and saw his face again.

    I had no clue Ed Mcmahon or Farrah died until yesterday. Funny how they were not pedophiles, and get no respect or coverage from the media

    Farrah was in Shands hospital in Gainesville last month. My BFF mom was in there. They heard the nurses talking about her and her cancer.

  3. Anonymous4:10 AM

    you know I am not so sad that an 'alleged' pedophile or 'boy lover' has passed.

    I am kinda annoyed that it has foreshadowed Farrah's tributes. And can I say Fuck you to Ryan? He tried to marry her but there was not enough time? WTF Ryan? What happened to the last 40 years? was that not enough time for you? you stupid fuck?

    I could never stand the man, and now I can't stand him even more. Piece of shit.

  4. Both Farrah and Ed were ill so no shock to me but it was a shock to hear about MJ dying like that.

    I'm not a celebrity worshiper of any type, and I do not support pedophilia but the man was a musical genius and I'll miss his work.

  5. "Better place" meaning somewhere where he doesn't owe 400,000,000 dollars, I suppose...that was one messed-up talented guy...

  6. -->My 14-year old stepdaughter asked me earlier this week if I was alive when there were records. I told her Yes, my first was Michael Jackson's Thriller and I played it on my Smurf record player.
    I haven't cared about what Place MJ has been in for years and am not going to start now. He got too weird for me a long time ago.

  7. Lot of people dying that you seem to have met . . .

    Hmm, I think a visit from Columbo would be in order, unless Peter Falk is too nervous about his own mortality to squint at you.

  8. what's better than pushing up daisies? from my perspective, picking em....

  9. I've been a bit perplexed by the attention that Michael is getting, too. It's all we can talk about on TV and radio, and I don't mean to be crass and uncaring, but there are other things going on in the world.

    The man was a musical genius, and a sad case to be certain, but there's a huge 'ick factor' to the pedophilia thing and I say, "Enough, already!"

  10. It's been a rough week in Hollywood. Even my kids were shocked to hear about MJ:(

  11. I was busy being sad about Farrah and Ed when I heard about Michael. Now I can't get that song "Beat It" of my head, it's been hours, a day "just beat it, just beat it, beat it beat it beat it...." AHHHHHHHHHH

  12. While I am sad that these people have passed honestly I don't think it's going to change the course of my life much. I know that is a pretty self centered thing to say but honestly I haven't hung out with Farrah in years and well Ed just got weird. Then there is MJ and after we had pigmentation transplants my lack of pigment transfered to his dark well he just blew me off.

    So RIP celebrities, we will always cherish your old videos.

  13. The media can't just do a rational job on anything--it has to go overboard.

    I sort of think that if we are going to gloss over Jacko's pedophilia we should make Phil Spector's killing someone just a footnote when he dies.

  14. Anonymous11:25 AM

    Well, it got the hideous Jon & Kate Plus 8 divorce news down a bunch of notches. But then there was a tiny item this morning about 70 university professors in Iran being arrested but they had to rush that story for another flash of "Thriller." They also had an update that John Landis, the "Thriller" director (also director of the "Twilight Zone" disaster where actors were killed) had sued Michael Jackson.
    Aaaahhhhh, the Media
    Aaaahhhhh, Hollywood
    Aloha, Martha Jane

  15. i loved this post.

    no funny comeback.. no wise cracks.

    just a damn good read. thank you.

  16. You totally should have won.

    hands down.

  17. I still groove (can I still say *groove*?) when I hear some of his songs. I had a crush on him when I was a preteen. I'm in a better place now.

  18. I loved Farrah! Even though I was brunette and could never be Jill when we played Charlie's Angels and totally fought with Holly over who had to be Sabrina - because HELLO! Nobody wants to be known as the BRAINY one! CHAA! -- we all know Jill was the prettiest.

    Kudos to Mrs. K for putting it out there on Ryan. He DID have 40 years. F-er.

  19. PS your non-win is an OUTRAGE and I no longer feel apathetic and partially annoyed by Ed. I kinda hate him now.

    There. I'm in a better place.

  20. Suzy, sorry you didn't win. . .and. . . just look at all the fans, like us who are just crazy about you!

    MJ. . all I have to say is what happens to some people in their life that makes them choose to move into such a dark place of abusing anyone, ESPECIALLY CHILDREN. He was born with amazing talent and showed the world so really cool new dance moves, lovely voice, music and lyrics. He will be missed.

    I am really sad about Farah. . .

    and, I am so with you on that comment, "they are in a better place". What kind of comforting blow-off comment is that! It pushes my buttons from losing both my parents. I started handing out $1000 fines to those at the funeral home who were guilty of that statement. If you don't know what to say, just be there and keep quiet!

  21. Hubby also got screwed by the producers of Star Search. But I must come to the defense of Kermit Apio. I just hung out with him last month at the Comedy and Magic Club and he is one of the nicest people on the planet. He's also very funny and kicked ass.

    And yes, Ryan O'Neal is a pathetic scumbag.

    And yes, Michael Jackson was a pedophile.

  22. "Little boys everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief."
    funny, that's exactly what I thought when I heard the news....but then apparently,the media seems to have forgotten.

  23. I bet I saw you on star search. I loved that show.

    Well, I didn't actually like the comics because I was a kid and didn't get it.

    (ouch--I think you just double-bitch-slapped me)

    I know you've been on Curb and Seinfeld, but Star Search cements your star-status.

  24. You CRACK ME UP! I've missed stalking your blog. writing a children's book that has to be at the publisher by July! Pray they make an offer I need a house with a pool. It's friggen humid in Tennessee.

  25. Suz- Yup, you should have won. You always make me, laugh...and jealous.

  26. So here's what a cold ass bitch I am. As soon as I heard Michael Jackson died, the first thing that went through my mind was, "Crap. There goes listening to the radio for a week." You know what else is amazing? I got the news on Facebook before the media had it. Weird thing this social networking.

  27. And now Billy Mays?

    We were watching your Seinfeld episode again the other night. You have what it takes. Star Search was wrong.

  28. I hope June ends on a quiet note. Wat too many deaths. If MJ really did molest those boys, he's probably in a crappy place ;)