A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Photoshoppers

I'd like to answer Blasé's comment from my last post about helping 2 other bloggers. I've met Ellen once and auditioned for her first sitcom once. I'd love to play Charlie Goodnight's but they haven't asked me and lastly "How do I get my photo so airbrushed?"

That one made me laugh because THIS post is about photoshopping! I'm a comedian and an actor. My first L.A. agent was Irwin Arthur. I got a fashion photog friend of mine to take that shot and when I picked it up, I looked so much better since he photoshopped me to death that I kept it and Irwin Arthur dropped me because it didn't look realistic.

Come on, that's some funny shit right there, kids.

Last night a man asked me if I had makeup on and I said no and he said, you get up in the morning looking that good? I said I went to bed looking like I was 22 and woke up every morning thinking I'd had a face transplant.

One surprised mom found a baby in her pants leg. Image: Corbis.

This was the picture that accompanied that headline. Not only is there no room for the baby but the inside of her thighs is photoshopped so poorly that the baby wouldn't have been able to get into either leg because this woman's uterus shrunk with the last washing of her jeans and is now her spleen.
The pictures below are from TMZ. I used to work for the Hearst Organization in NY in the art department so I can spot photoshopping even when I'm blindfolded, which is how I read.

1. They painted this girl's hairline darker because the subject of the layout was about celebrities who let their hair fade. That one side is more faded than the other is just poor craftsmanship. I'm guessing a man did this as no self-respecting woman would be able, or want, to let one side grow out faster because IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. 2. They also painted in a pinkish colored bra, probably because she has no boobs. They also painted in all the lines on the left side of her white shirt. They're all smudged to make her look boobISH.

3. Look at the upper corner of her right thigh. See that little black painted-in part? Her left inner thigh is also smudged in with dark gray. All this to make a girl with regular thighs appear unattainably thighless.

This Beyoncé photo is from the same layout on celebrities who've let their hair color go. Yeah, Beyoncé has trouble keeping up, due to lack of money, especially for a red carpet.

Pamela Anderson, whose boobs you can see from my apartment, STILL is highlighted around her breasts. Look at the top of her left inner leg. Painted in to separate her skin tone because otherwise you'd think her left leg was part of her right thigh. Because you failed biology.

And look at her left abdomen, next to her left arm. They have painted in a black line to make her waist appear smaller than it is. I've seen her up close, trust me, she's already thin.

Can you say hair extensions to this sleb?

None of these people look like this in real life, except me in the photo on the top of my blog. Blasé, I can't believe it took ANYONE 2 and a half years to ask me that question. You must be in the biz.

End of chat.