Monday, June 15, 2009

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Photoshoppers

I'd like to answer Blasé's comment from my last post about helping 2 other bloggers. I've met Ellen once and auditioned for her first sitcom once. I'd love to play Charlie Goodnight's but they haven't asked me and lastly "How do I get my photo so airbrushed?"

That one made me laugh because THIS post is about photoshopping! I'm a comedian and an actor. My first L.A. agent was Irwin Arthur. I got a fashion photog friend of mine to take that shot and when I picked it up, I looked so much better since he photoshopped me to death that I kept it and Irwin Arthur dropped me because it didn't look realistic.

Come on, that's some funny shit right there, kids.

Last night a man asked me if I had makeup on and I said no and he said, you get up in the morning looking that good? I said I went to bed looking like I was 22 and woke up every morning thinking I'd had a face transplant.

One surprised mom found a baby in her pants leg. Image: Corbis.
This was the picture that accompanied that headline. Not only is there no room for the baby but the inside of her thighs is photoshopped so poorly that the baby wouldn't have been able to get into either leg because this woman's uterus shrunk with the last washing of her jeans and is now her spleen.
The pictures below are from TMZ. I used to work for the Hearst Organization in NY in the art department so I can spot photoshopping even when I'm blindfolded, which is how I read.

1. They painted this girl's hairline darker because the subject of the layout was about celebrities who let their hair fade. That one side is more faded than the other is just poor craftsmanship. I'm guessing a man did this as no self-respecting woman would be able, or want, to let one side grow out faster because IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. 2. They also painted in a pinkish colored bra, probably because she has no boobs. They also painted in all the lines on the left side of her white shirt. They're all smudged to make her look boobISH.

3. Look at the upper corner of her right thigh. See that little black painted-in part? Her left inner thigh is also smudged in with dark gray. All this to make a girl with regular thighs appear unattainably thighless.

This Beyoncé photo is from the same layout on celebrities who've let their hair color go. Yeah, Beyoncé has trouble keeping up, due to lack of money, especially for a red carpet.

Pamela Anderson, whose boobs you can see from my apartment, STILL is highlighted around her breasts. Look at the top of her left inner leg. Painted in to separate her skin tone because otherwise you'd think her left leg was part of her right thigh. Because you failed biology.

And look at her left abdomen, next to her left arm. They have painted in a black line to make her waist appear smaller than it is. I've seen her up close, trust me, she's already thin.

Can you say hair extensions to this sleb?

None of these people look like this in real life, except me in the photo on the top of my blog. Blasé, I can't believe it took ANYONE 2 and a half years to ask me that question. You must be in the biz.

End of chat.


  1. crap now you are going to have me looking at every picture in a different way and places on people I really don't want to look at.. damn!

  2. WOW! Whoda thunk it? I can't spot stuff like that guess you have to have a trained eye

  3. -->I photoshopped my badge out of my own google profile image. I notice it easily and now I'm guessing YOU would too. ha!

  4. Aw hell! I wish someone would paint away half of my stomach and thighs. Hell, I'd pay for that.

  5. pssssst. I am sending you my pic. I expect it back tout de suite so I can post it.

    Sh. It's on the down LOW.

  6. My ex-future-son-in-law archived art files and worked on cover art for an L.A. firm--he too can spot photoshopping from a mile away. I have thus far resisted the urge to have him remove my excess ass in photos.

  7. super interesting post, Suzy. It made me wish you were sitting next to me with a pointer.

    That sounded sarcastic, but it wasn't.

    My husband is somewhat proficient in photoshop and it amazes the hell out of me when I watch him.

  8. Suz that is the reason you will never see MY picture on my blog. I don't know nuthin bout no photochopping.

    If I did I would look like you!

  9. I guess I'm really naive, I thought your photo had really great lighting.

  10. Some really well chosen, badly photoshopped photos Suzy! I think I could have done better on a couple of them!

  11. If I were to try to photoshop any of my pictures to make me taller or thinner, I probably would attach my arm to my leg. But then it would be in and everybody would be doing it.

  12. It's no longer Charlie Goodnights, it's just Goodnights. I'll be back there in November. I accidentally called it Charlie Goodnights and I thought the new owner was going to wrestle me to the ground.

  13. OMG!!! You have all of my blogy friends here commenting!!! This is a riot!!

    Love your blog :-)

    Hate photoshop!!! Just bullshit!

  14. Anonymous9:15 AM

    I think Kate Moss should be photoshopped out of the picture entirely. (yuk)

    And, by the way, your pic looks absolutely fab!

  15. I really need to photo shop out my belly so I can finally post a recent pic of myself.

  16. Anonymous11:27 AM

    When I was at my Hollywood agent's office one day to drop off my new pictures (un-retouched, upon the agent's instructions), I espied a photo of another of the agency's clients, Yvonne De Carlo. Hello, this was circa 1985, and the picture wasn't even from the Munsters. It was, I believe, her first Hollywood photo. The moral of this story? She was a star. She got more work than I did, despite my "real" photo.
    Aloha, MJ

  17. So can you make me look good?!

    I had NO IDEA how much photoshopping was going on. I naively thought that it was just for magazine covers, but clearly I am wrong!

  18. Alright, you photoshopping mo fo's. Email me NOW and I'll send you some business. Seriously. Just a few black lines here and there....

  19. Wow! I had to look really hard to figure all that out!

  20. that was cool--ah those tricksters. I wish they could make me look more boobish.

  21. You're supposed to Photoshop your headshots? No wonder my agent never calls.