Sunday, September 26, 2010

Not That It's Any Of Your Business But

People ask me if I forgot to have kids. And I always answer, yes, I was too busy.

I had laundry.

I have many reasons for not having kids. First of all, they run too fast; it's almost impossible to trip them. Plus they're too short to dance with and you can't borrow anything from them, they have no cash. What's the point?

They're also too loud. I had one next to me on a plane once and it emitted such a piercing scream we lost cabin pressure. It made me miss the smokers. At least a cigarette goes out in 3 minutes. In the bible Jesus says "Suffer the little children." I think he knew what he was talking about.

People always tell me, "You're a woman, you're supposed to have kids." Well, I always thought I was supposed to have a Rolls Royce but you won't see that at my house either.

And based on my personality this is probably the kid I would have had:

Did I ever seriously think about having kids? Getting pregnant: throwing up every morning and putting on 60 extra pounds, every woman's secret fantasy. Hearing the pitter patter of little feet running around my apartment, destroying everything I worked my whole life to get. Yeah, no.

Plus I would never voluntarily want to go into anything called Labor. Why don't they call it something I would want to go into? "Suzy, your contractions have started and any minute now you'll be going into... shopping."

And who are these women who want to be awake during childbirth? I don't even want to be awake during the conception. When you go to the dentist and he pulls out your teeth, you're not awake, so why would you be awake when they pull this giant baby out of you? And believe me, your mouth is a lot bigger. I’ve measured.

People with kids always want to know if they can bring them along when they visit single peoples' homes. Sure. Why not? And bring other things we don't have, like a plague of locusts or some fresh manure. Oh, and dip your kid in oil before you come, I hear that's good for wood furniture.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I was baby sitting this kid once and he said, "I'm going to drink a gallon of Sunny D without breathing" and I said, "Cool." And I'd be too protective. I can just see the day my kid came to me and pleaded, "Please Mom, let me go to school." And I'd reply, "You have plenty of time. You're only 24."

I like to date guys who already have kids. Then if they're screwed up I can say, "Not my fault, they came this way."

And to those women out there who have 6 or 7 kids and have never heard the words The Ozone Is Killing Us All, you need to close up shop. I was talking to this really drunk woman at a party and she said she had 8 kids. I asked her if she'd ever considered birth control and she said, "You know, it's really hard to get those little pills up in there."

Having a baby can lead to heart failure, pulmonary edema and a ruptured uterus. Forget teaching young girls about birth control, just tell them that.

End of chat.


  1. You've measured?


  2. I already have kids.

    What are you doing Friday night? I bring them along?

  3. holy crap I almost used that picture for my post last night. Are we twins? Well, except for the hair. And the no kids thing. And the living on opposite ends of the country. And the you being French and me NOT. And, we'll, besides all of THAT, we're basically the same person.

  4. But having a child gives someone to blame on my stretch marks, extra weight etc... plus you can make them do chores like laundry and clean up after dinner some even can cook!! Total bonus there!

  5. Good lord, you're sedated when they pull teeth out? Shit, I was barely tranquilized, and it wore off instantly after the rape in my mouth so I got the bliss of the whole experience including the wonderful "Oh, shit, it broke into little pieces, wait a bit" from the dentist.

  6. -->I worked with Very messed up teeangers for 10 years, many of whom were sex offenders. Trust me, there are A Lot of people who shouldn't be allowed to create little humans, especially without a license.
    They say you forget the pain of childbirth. I will never but my kid was worth it (on most days).

  7. Suffer the little children! Why had I never read it that way before?

    And as one of those moms with 6 kids, I loved this post. But I have no intention of closing up shop. Although it looks as though Mother Nature is doing it for me...

  8. I have three of them and I'm not a good mother either. . .

  9. And why I stopped at one.

    [I'm stubborn and need to learn things the hard way.]

  10. Anonymous9:31 AM

    Being a mom is wonderful, but it's not for everybody. There's nothing wrong with a woman not wanting to have kids. I respect a woman who knows it's not for her and doesn't cave because society thinks a woman should procreate. But I'm totally bringing my kids over so they can break at least one valuable thing in your house. Ha!

  11. To know you're not one for kids is a wonderful thing.

    I see women having kids b/c they feel they need to, and treating their kids like crap.

    If you don't absolutely love it to death, then don't. Just be like Suzy, and don't.

    Well said.

  12. Anyone who asks a woman if they forgot to have kids deserves to be kicked hard.

  13. I'd like to have kids someday but I'm not sure I'd be a very good mother. I'm already a bad influence on my niece and nephew, they have a new dirty vocabulary courtesy of Aunt Bobbi!

  14. After having five children... I realize I am a loner.
    My husband and kids do NOT appreciate it!

  15. Anonymous12:13 PM

    You the ma'am, suz...

  16. Hey I'm with you on the not having kids thing!
    Too bad I already have 6... just think of it this way... if every one is allotted 3 children then I had yours for you.
    Your Welcome...

    If I'd known what having kids was gonna do to me? I'd have got some parrots instead... 30 years and their dead... kids? 30 years and they're bringing babies over for me to 'watch'!

  17. Anonymous4:59 PM

    I don't have kids either. I always thought I'd have time for it later or want it more as I got older. The fact that I can be completely happy without children baffles a large quantity of people. The only thing that bugs me is when people act like if you're not a mother, you have no worth. Keep on bringing the humor!

  18. What in the hell are those people with 6 or 7 kids thinking? Way to ruin our planet,selfish douche bags.

    Hugs -

    Mom of Wild Ones
    ( I only have 5, so its good) :)

  19. Anonymous7:45 AM

    Sadly, I am barren. The doctor said I needed a womb, tubes from the Philippines and other exotic stuff.
    I could not find any of these things on ebay.
    X David

  20. I have always envied women who somehow escaped the biological urge to reproduce. Bitch.

  21. I just want to know why no one ever told me I COULDN'T AFFORD kids? That old 5 can live as cheap as one is a lie. Unless of course your living like Donald Trump.

  22. One good thing about having kids is that the day you give birth you lose like 15lb.

    It's the best diet plan EVER.

    Miracle weight loss, I tell you!

  23. I'm reading this post way too late. You make some very good points.

  24. i wish i thought of this, say around 12 years ago.
    typing 1 handed so no caps.

  25. Congratulations! She looks just like you.


    "I don't even want to be awake during conception" classic

  26. Funny, clever stuff. Are you on Youtube?

  27. Nick, not on youtube. Have some of my stuff here:

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