Thursday, September 23, 2010

Baby You Can Drive My Car - Part Two

I found a description of the difference between men's cars and women's cars. Men keep their cars spotless and their homes a mess. Women keep their homes spotless and their cars a mess.

I keep them both spotless but I'm a known liar.

I've noticed that a guy will cry if his car gets hit by another car. A woman will cry if she has to tell a guy that his car was hit by another car. That she was driving.

I really don't like any man driving my car.

I don't care what they claim but they have no idea where they're going. My ex-boyfriend and I took a trip to Palm Springs, in the desert. I fell asleep for 10 minutes. When I woke up there was snow everywhere. I said, "Where are we?" and he said "I think we're almost in Palm Springs." And I said, "Well, why don't we pull over here and ask this Canadian Mountie exactly where we are?"

When he's driving, it's always "We'll take a right at the light then turn left at the exit." When I'm driving it's “Get in the southbound lane and go west at that intersection." Like I'm Davy Crockett and there's a sundial in the car.

Moses wandered in the desert with the Jews for 40 years. I'm guessing that was supposed to be a 10 day trip. And Moses' wife probably spent the whole time saying, "Moses, don't be a schmuck, stop and ask Achmed where we are."

I have an elderly neighbor who I drive around so he can do his errands. He's 89 years old and reads every road sign out loud. FOOD GAS LODGING, 65 MILES PER HOUR, 280 MILES TO CALIFORNIA, which would scare me because he'd distracted me so much I'd crossed over into Arizona.

I'm still amazed they sent men to the moon with a car. What did they want to prove? That they couldn't ask for directions on two planets?

Los Angeles is a big city, 10 million people, and every one of them has a car aimed at you. The only time I was hit by a car I was standing in the bedroom. Of my apartment. On the second floor.

Everywhere you go you have to valet your car and depending on where you go, it can be very expensive. I once valeted at the new Wolfgang Puck restaurant and then couldn't make rent.

I hate to give them money to park a car. Maybe if they changed my oil I wouldn't mind so much. Of course if I go out with a guy and he won't valet, I think he's an asshole.

Another thing that drives me crazy about Los Angeles driving is when the stoplights go out and they send in police officers to direct traffic. Instead of, you know, catching killers. The cops start talking to you through your window. They’ll make 2 circles in the air and then point to the left and I’m thinking I got a 10 yard penalty and am offsides.

I understand why minivans put TV screens in the backseats for kids. Nothing is more boring than taking a long trip and having nothing to do but listen to the radio or CD's. Last year I started doing books on tape. Only once by accident I rented a dirty one and had to pull over and get a motel.

Which was embarrassing because I was alone.

End of chat.


  1. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha. Thanks Suzy, I so needed that today.

  2. Anonymous10:42 AM

    We do not have cars in NYC as you know, just cabs, which is why nobody gets arrested for drunk driving.
    I love to visit LA, the rental car magically appears when you step out the door of the Four Seasons, then magically disappears with the valet at The Ivy. I always wonder where the car goes, I hope it is taken out for ice cream. I no longer travel in style.
    If I visited LA today I would be taking the bus, or that subway I have only heard whispered about which nobody has actually seen.
    X David
    PS. nice headshot, love the glasses, who made the frames?

  3. I;ve been wondering why I haven't seen you on twitter...when did you change your avatar???

    Well, I finally figured it out, and it's you. Good.

    And, the last line on having to find that motel ?


  4. I thought sundials told time, not direction.

    And you wonder why you're always getting corrected when you're driving.

  5. -->I always tell Tim where to go. Sometimes we're actually driving too.

  6. What - you live in LA and own a car? Are you crazy? (wait - don't answer that, we know)

  7. I hate driving. Driving and cars. They both make me crazy. Crazier.

  8. If your car/house description is true, my husband and I are both women.

  9. I'm a hemaphrodite. (Both house and car are somewhere inbetween.)

  10. I spend so much time driving. It's ridiculous. I keep the car pretty clean because if I don't, my dad will sense it from three states away and call me to remind me that it's a car, not a trash can or closet.

    My husband, on the other hand, appears to live out of his car. Which may just be his way of practicing in case I never find another damn job.

  11. I hope you do standup, because this was hilarious.

  12. They put TV screens in the back of minivans in LA for survival. It's so the kids don't strike-up soulmate relationships with the gang members in the car that has been next to you, crawling along in traffic for the last 2 hours, and will continue to be for the next 2 hours while you make the 6 mile trip back from the plastic surgeon. ;-D

  13. OMG, I think Lisa and I have the same dad!

  14. I am currently in a life and death struggle with my soul. I drive, I always drive, my husband knows not to even go to the drivers side of the car except to open my door ( good man). His car has a really bad cold right now, so he had to borrow mine. YIKES. within 3 days he had broken the windshield with a kayak and used the ashtray. Now I am wondering what rapid acting poison will be least detectable by my local keystone cops. Also I need a new windshield.

  15. The Canadian Mounties in Florida are the most helpful around! Great post!

  16. You made me snort coffee and let me tell you it was almost as good as coke. :-0

  17. dang suz, all ye hadda do was call, i wudda been right over... to laff atcha! :P lol

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