It's Everybody Has The Answers Friday!

At first I was going to put people's names with their questions but I cut and pasted so much that at one point I had Al Gore asking Lisa Ling who she was. They don't read me anymore, do they?

I had to spell check these questions because some of you must bowl while you type. A reader asked me today why would she spellcheck her posts and I'm going to ASSUME that was a joke. The truth is that spellcheck and grammar check can help you with your timing. A well placed comma can give a rhythm to your sentences. So here we go, the answers from Mount Soro. Which is an entirely different post.

1. But what if you aren't funny and you aren't humorous, and you are just re-counting what happens? I'm not funny, but stupid stuff happens to me. A lot. How should that person approach the writing?

Just write the stupid stuff down. You're probably funnier than you realize. Sometimes I write stuff and think, NO ONE IS GOING TO GET THIS. And then one person from the Philippines writes and says hahahahahahaha. They may be insane though.

2. Thank you for your tips. I do have a question though; what if you don't know if you're a humor writer? What if you don't know what kind of writer you are? I mean I don't exactly fall into "Mommy Blogger" and I am definitely not a technical blogger

I don't think you need a title to write and you don't have to be in a category. When people ask me what I do I don't say, "Listen Trevor, I'm a humor writer, now fix your bowtie." Instead I tell the truth, which is that I don't do much of anything.

3. That post made me think...I don't put enough thought into my posts! No way am I ever standing out from 22 million! Yikes. Thank God that wasn't the goal.

People should only be writing for themselves. It was 22 million last year. Now that no one has a job, it's probably more like 40 million. You're welcome.

4. Everyone has a different opinion of what is funny.

Yes, everyone does. It's incredibly subjective. Being a comedian takes a lot of fun out of the game for me because only other comedians make me really, really laugh. And my sister Lindy along with my mother, Crabby Appleton The Dream Crusher. Otherwise I can see a joke coming from around the corner. Most of my readers make me laugh or cry, and they don't even do it on purpose.

5. For heaven's sake, tell people not to explain their jokes while they're telling them. And leading off with "This is the funniest thing ever" is a bad idea. Why are Jews funny? Should knock-knock jokes be abolished?

Whenever I'm introduced by another comic and they say, She's the funniest etc. etc., I can count on sucking for the first 5 minutes. I love when little kids do knock-knock jokes. I know some unfunny Jews; they're called Catholics.

6. So... the question I've been dying to ask...Is it all okay if I just write to write and continue not to care if people find it funny or humorous, as long as I don't make them want to put a screwdriver in their ear? Blogging is more like group therapy to me - and believe me, I NEED THERAPY. If I get too worried about the reader, I'm afraid I'll suffer from performance anxiety. Do they have a pill for that?

Well men do. One thing I learned from over 20 years of standup is that not everyone is going to like you. Some might even hate you and some lesbians in South Carolina might even come to all your shows every time you're in town. But you can't care about it. I DO care about it but it's impossible to please everybody unless you own a whorehouse and a shoe store.

7. I always thought a blog post title had to have a hook. You know, to reel 'em in. When people see the title in their reader, they say to themselves, "I'm checkin' that out." A hook so good that as people scroll through their reader they see and say to themselves "I'm reading this one first, or I'm saving this, this best for last."

I actually care more about the blogger than the title of their post. I know some people agonize over their titles. I don't, and it's probably obvious. Except for that whole Movie Title Post Experiment which even the guy in the Philippines didn't get. IT'S COMING BACK SO THERE.

8. Of course everyone thinks they are funny (have you ever met anyone who said "I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR") It's a funny old world, although in 99% of blogs, you wouldn't know that.

I'm going to start saying that to people while I stand in line somewhere, "Excuse me sir, I have no sense of humor. Just wanted you to know. Thanks for listening."

9. I'm still trying to deconstruct my persona. I keep getting stuck on the fact that when I started blogging, I was called DCup and most of my readers were horny men. They've had a wee bit of trouble with me changing my focus a bit to encompass attempts at being funny? humorous?

Just write for yourself. If they don't like it, they can go read CCup's blog. Another way to look at a deconstructed self is the things you'd only tell to your bff is the stuff that is usually the deconstructed you. And it is sometimes sad and sometimes funny but it's always real. If you're brave enough to write that way, you get more readers.

10. I just put my blog through the rating test and it came back "G."Should I go through it and add some fucks and cunts? A "G" How fucking embarrassing!

Nothing to be embarrassed about. G might stand for Gross. Feel better?

11. Whatever the heck my blog is, #10 is the toughest. I think it's a confidence thing. Same with my novels. That is perfect advice for a successful novelist. Maybe it's a focus thing. What were we talking about?

Man are you asking the wrong person.

12. I totally noticed that you changed your post titles to the names of movies. Not really. Is there not a lie check on this thing?

No there isn't but thanks for pointing that out. As the inventor of lying I should have thought of that.

So thanks for sticking with me to the end of this. I was wondering if I helped ANYBODY when this just came in:

This Bug has left a new comment on your post "How To Write A Funny Blog Part 4":

I'm through with asterisks.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm so proud. Thanks Bug!

And then I got this from someone who lost their job so you know she's in a good mood:

Will you come wr*te my B**g pl**se?

I was thisssssssssssssssssssssssssclose.