How To Write A Funny Blog Part 3 TIMING

Your persona goes hand in hand with timing, another difficult thing to explain. More than being born funny, you are definitely born with timing. It involves word pacing and most importantly, 'beats,' or pauses. But can you write a 'beat' on the page?

A perfect example of timing comes from comedian Margaret Smith who arguably has some of the best timing in the business. One of her jokes:

A guy walked up to me in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?"
I said, "No, but I'll take the 7 bucks."

Now how do you put that on the page?

A guy walked up to me in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?"
I said, "No. But I'll take the 7 bucks."

That period is the timing. Why not the comma? We stop at a period, we read past a comma. It's a speech pattern that came with the instruction booklet they gave your parents when you were born. The good news is that it's easier to write timing into something than speak it. That's probably why there aren't that many standup comics in the world as opposed to authors.

My timing is in fragments. I think in fragments, perform in fragments and write in fragments. I start a sentence but then I stop it, sometimes in mid air. I often separate with a paragraph to approximate the beat. Sometimes it's my: (lie), Rude. or Fool. Those are some of my beats because you, the reader, have to pause out of the sentence to read that one word. It's easier for me to do this on stage because I don't have to think about it.

I write each of my posts at least three times and often up to six to try and capture what my brain is thinking. Because I hear it in my head perfectly, I take the time to replicate it on the page. Sometimes I fail and then go back and rewrite up to three months later. Demented. I know. Early readers of mine, now dead, were shocked when I admitted this. I know when it sounds perfect to me and I'm the only one I have to impress since George Clooney has a new girlfriend. Asshole.

Granted, a lot of this information comes from over 20 years of being a comedian and actor. And knowing I'm funny. Confidence goes a long way in comedy and writing. A very, very long way. If you don't think you're funny, you're probably not. And that's okay. I can give you tips to help you be humorishier or funnierishier. Or can at least give you the phone number of my shrink.

Honesty can be a problem in writing a funny blog. People sometimes can't reveal their names or their towns or where they work for legitimate reasons, like witness protection or dumbfucks in Pennsylvania. How can I get addicted to you if I know nothing about the real you and you speak in a false voice? At least put a spin on it to make it more interesting. Use the deconstructed you. I use the real me only because try Googling me, I'm all over it and would have been caught sometime. And I have nothing to hide. (lie)

And one last thing. The longer your posts, the less funny or humorous you are. I've been guilty of this myself but I write a post and do what Coco Chanel advised, Take off one thing before you go out. In this case, be brutal, cut it in half, tell the story, don't ramble and for God's sakes try and make us laugh. More on how to do that tomorrow.

Unless I o.d. on Chuckles WHICH I DON'T HAVE tonight.

Tomorrow, Tips and Tricks