I Was Playing A Part Named After French Cheese

Due to my skills as an OCD practitioner, I have every piece of detritus from my career. Many years ago I was flipping through some of my scrapbooks and found this one-sheet. I read down the list and was amazed to find Dan Lauria's name on it. He played the father on The Wonder Years. This was a play reading we did and he played Carmine and I played Brie. Shut up. So when I saw him walk out of our Starbucks and past the table I was sharing with my mother and sister, I called Dan's name. He turned around and I reminded him of our brief encounters in NYC. He asked me what we had done together but I couldn't remember the name of the play. I had my OCD button in the OFF position.

I persuaded him to take a picture with me and my sister thought she took 6 or 7 pictures and it turns out she took 27. I looked shitty in every one. Which I discovered when I got home and uploaded them. HD is not kind to me and I know it. I truly do need hair and makeup to go downstairs and get my mail. Obviously all those Vicodin post-surgery made me think I was a natural beauty.

Dan had convinced my sister to stand where she did because the light was in back of us. My sister said she thought that was wrong and he INSISTED it was right. So he looks great and I have shadows on my neck that make me look like I have a Van Dyke where my neck should be. THANKS DAN. Dan and I commiserated about the business and how awful things were at NBC and how Hollywood is so fucked up they're making reality shows that can't even be syndicated and what was up with that shit? He sounded really depressed. I went home and IMDb'd him and in 2009 he has done 7 television shows and 5 movies. Then I got depressed.

Before we went to Starbucks I left a bunch of dresses hung up on the outside cabinet knobs in my bedroom. My sister saw one and said, "I remember that dress; you got it in NY." I asked her if she wanted to try it on since I was now a size 8. It was a size 6 and my sister is a size 2. I knew it would drop to her ankles like 10 pound weights. I loved that dress and didn't want to give it away.

She put it on and it fit like a glove. The dress is 26 years old. What used to be a size 6 is now a size 2. A sample size is a 2. (all the freebies the slebs get to wear at award shows) I guess 6 sounds too fat for Hollywood. I gave her the dress. I'm not going back to Twoville anytime soon.

Later that night on the phone, my mother mentions to me that perhaps I should start wearing makeup again. And combing my hair when I get out of the shower. Notice in the picture there is a nice clump of hair stuck in the middle of my bangs?

But the kicker was the email I got from my sister the next day, after I sent her the pic of me and Dan that was the least hideous looking. You don't look bad at all. Mom thought you looked great but mom has had a few glasses of wine.

End of chat.