Monday, August 17, 2009

Lassie, The Perfect Dog Stamp

June Lockhart was present for the unveiling of the Lassie stamp. June asked why she wasn't asked to be on the stamp and was told that she hadn't been dead for 10 years.

I'm not going to touch that sentence.

June Lockhart is a client of my sister's. They have become good friends over the years and we now consider her family. Whenever June is walking on her Street in Santa Monica, pedestrians and people in cars always give her a shout out, even when she's disguised in a scarf and sunglasses. I have the same problem only usually I'm jaywalking at the time.

June and her family are part of Hollywood's lore. They have three stars on the Walk of Fame. She has starred in two of America's most iconic TV shows.

One day Lindy said June and her friend Paul were going to see The Phantom of the Opera and we were invited. When June picked us up I tried not to be as inappropriate as I usually am around famous people. (Click on the label below to read the rest of the gaffes I've made)

I was bound to screw this up. At one point June leaned over the front seat and said something to me. I have no idea what it was but I do remember what I replied: "Semper Fi." Let me save you the trouble. What the fuck?

We drove for a while as June and Paul chatted up front. I leaned into my sister in the back and mumbled, "Can you believe we're in the car with Lassie's mom?"

"You do know Lassie had a canine mom, right?"
"Of course I know that; stop trying to ruin it for me. Should I ask her where Lassie is now?"
"I'm guessing she's going to say DEAD."

I continued to stare at the back of June's head, lost in my reverie of LASSIE'S MOM and thinking up things I could do to my sister, like sleep with her boyfriend.

Lassie's mom was the sweetest, kindest mom. I don't think she ever punished Timmy, never said a bad word about anyone and never raised her voice in anger.

My mother: Go do your homework.

Lassie's Mom: Timmy lay down and take a nap while I do your homework.

My mother: Do your chores.

Lassie's Mom: You spent all day in school; I'll do your chores.

Me to my mother: Why can't we have a dog? A Lassie dog.

My mother: Because your father and I hate you.

Lassie's mom: Timmy, come here, we got a dog that can find you in a well if you fall in.

My mother: If we get you Lassie you'll just fall in a well and drown before she can save you.

Suddenly June slammed on her brakes. I was brought out of my reverie because we'd hit a construction area and couldn't move. June turned right and then left but we were not making any progress. We went up and down the same streets many times, but we couldn't get to the theater. Then June turned one corner and came smack up against an even bigger construction blockage.

"FUCK!" she yelled.

Now that's a perfect mother.

End of dog chat.


  1. Loved it the first time and loved it again the second time around.

    You have the coolest life.

  2. Anonymous12:58 PM

    When I was 8, we got a Basset Hound, identical to Lassie's pal, Pokey. Naturally, I wanted to name her something like Scarlet O'Hara (great name for a Basset Hound, right?), but I was outvoted. Pokey was great, but we never got to meet June Lockhart.

  3. OK, you made that up, I know Lassie's mom would not talk like that.

  4. Yes! That's right up there with hearing Betty White's foul-mouth diatribe in Lake Placid. Only yours is more honest. No script.

  5. i LOVE that story!!!

    Ha. Good old June........

  6. I would have loved it if my mom yelled fuck!!!

  7. Oh wow!

    I think I love her a little now.

  8. I remember it but enjoy it more now that I know you.

    Semper Fi...hilarious.

    If you don't hear much from me it's because there is no camp for two weeks, meaning I am with my children 24/7. It's a different kind of "camp" actually, and may involve restraints. xo

  9. Anonymous5:19 PM

    First time reading this. I'm so out of the loop.

    Really enjoy your stories.

  10. OK, so what you're telling me is that the world actually does make some sense. Now that I know that June Lockhart says fuck, I think I finally get it.

  11. I'm that kind of mom. The swearing kind. Not when my daughter is around. Because that would be so tacky. Just at PTA meetings. And shit.

  12. I would totally do that. My would have too.

  13. And I thought you were going to regale us with tales of June describing what a prick Timmy was on the set.

    Or better yet, how Lassie was constantly humping her leg.

    But I guess her screaming "Fuck" is good too.

  14. June's comeback is perfection....

    You bloody name-dropper...

  15. I loved when you contrasted your mom with Lassie's. Actually, I just love it when you write about your mom, period.

  16. Yep, second time around just as good!

  17. -->I think I liked reading this for a second time better than the first.

    When one of our dogs bark we say, What Sydney, Daddy has fallen down and can't reach his beer?

    My husband isn't amused.

  18. Gosh she sounds just like my Mom. Not the all doing your chores and being nice, just the yelling FUCK, only my mom usually followed it by YOU.

  19. That sounds like an L.A. story!

    So, our friend is Leave it to Beaver's Daughter. You know, beaver! One of our roommates was her really good friend and had NO idea what or who Leave it to Beaver was. She is 8 years younger than us. We thought it was funny to see HIM grown up but really WE were grown up.

    Ummmm, I'm old.

    We all gave the youngon a tutorial.

  20. I saw the new stamps, they are great. I'll have to find out where to buy them. It couldn't possibly be as easy as going to the post office.

  21. Glad to know she's human, like the rest of us!

  22. We all know there were like 6 Lassies, and you can go to India and get a special Lassi with something from Kashmir (and its not related directly to L-CIA-).

    Maybe there were also 6 Lassie Mom's?

  23. good'un, june!

    lassie was ok, but i preferred rin-tin-tin... then littlest hobo :O lol

    so what dog do i own now? a 4 month old sheltie!

  24. All the best moms say Fuck.