It's Everybody Has The Answers Friday!

At first I was going to put people's names with their questions but I cut and pasted so much that at one point I had Al Gore asking Lisa Ling who she was. They don't read me anymore, do they?

I had to spell check these questions because some of you must bowl while you type. A reader asked me today why would she spellcheck her posts and I'm going to ASSUME that was a joke. The truth is that spellcheck and grammar check can help you with your timing. A well placed comma can give a rhythm to your sentences. So here we go, the answers from Mount Soro. Which is an entirely different post.

1. But what if you aren't funny and you aren't humorous, and you are just re-counting what happens? I'm not funny, but stupid stuff happens to me. A lot. How should that person approach the writing?

Just write the stupid stuff down. You're probably funnier than you realize. Sometimes I write stuff and think, NO ONE IS GOING TO GET THIS. And then one person from the Philippines writes and says hahahahahahaha. They may be insane though.

2. Thank you for your tips. I do have a question though; what if you don't know if you're a humor writer? What if you don't know what kind of writer you are? I mean I don't exactly fall into "Mommy Blogger" and I am definitely not a technical blogger

I don't think you need a title to write and you don't have to be in a category. When people ask me what I do I don't say, "Listen Trevor, I'm a humor writer, now fix your bowtie." Instead I tell the truth, which is that I don't do much of anything.

3. That post made me think...I don't put enough thought into my posts! No way am I ever standing out from 22 million! Yikes. Thank God that wasn't the goal.

People should only be writing for themselves. It was 22 million last year. Now that no one has a job, it's probably more like 40 million. You're welcome.

4. Everyone has a different opinion of what is funny.

Yes, everyone does. It's incredibly subjective. Being a comedian takes a lot of fun out of the game for me because only other comedians make me really, really laugh. And my sister Lindy along with my mother, Crabby Appleton The Dream Crusher. Otherwise I can see a joke coming from around the corner. Most of my readers make me laugh or cry, and they don't even do it on purpose.

5. For heaven's sake, tell people not to explain their jokes while they're telling them. And leading off with "This is the funniest thing ever" is a bad idea. Why are Jews funny? Should knock-knock jokes be abolished?

Whenever I'm introduced by another comic and they say, She's the funniest etc. etc., I can count on sucking for the first 5 minutes. I love when little kids do knock-knock jokes. I know some unfunny Jews; they're called Catholics.

6. So... the question I've been dying to ask...Is it all okay if I just write to write and continue not to care if people find it funny or humorous, as long as I don't make them want to put a screwdriver in their ear? Blogging is more like group therapy to me - and believe me, I NEED THERAPY. If I get too worried about the reader, I'm afraid I'll suffer from performance anxiety. Do they have a pill for that?

Well men do. One thing I learned from over 20 years of standup is that not everyone is going to like you. Some might even hate you and some lesbians in South Carolina might even come to all your shows every time you're in town. But you can't care about it. I DO care about it but it's impossible to please everybody unless you own a whorehouse and a shoe store.

7. I always thought a blog post title had to have a hook. You know, to reel 'em in. When people see the title in their reader, they say to themselves, "I'm checkin' that out." A hook so good that as people scroll through their reader they see and say to themselves "I'm reading this one first, or I'm saving this, this best for last."

I actually care more about the blogger than the title of their post. I know some people agonize over their titles. I don't, and it's probably obvious. Except for that whole Movie Title Post Experiment which even the guy in the Philippines didn't get. IT'S COMING BACK SO THERE.

8. Of course everyone thinks they are funny (have you ever met anyone who said "I HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR") It's a funny old world, although in 99% of blogs, you wouldn't know that.

I'm going to start saying that to people while I stand in line somewhere, "Excuse me sir, I have no sense of humor. Just wanted you to know. Thanks for listening."

9. I'm still trying to deconstruct my persona. I keep getting stuck on the fact that when I started blogging, I was called DCup and most of my readers were horny men. They've had a wee bit of trouble with me changing my focus a bit to encompass attempts at being funny? humorous?

Just write for yourself. If they don't like it, they can go read CCup's blog. Another way to look at a deconstructed self is the things you'd only tell to your bff is the stuff that is usually the deconstructed you. And it is sometimes sad and sometimes funny but it's always real. If you're brave enough to write that way, you get more readers.

10. I just put my blog through the rating test and it came back "G."Should I go through it and add some fucks and cunts? A "G" How fucking embarrassing!

Nothing to be embarrassed about. G might stand for Gross. Feel better?

11. Whatever the heck my blog is, #10 is the toughest. I think it's a confidence thing. Same with my novels. That is perfect advice for a successful novelist. Maybe it's a focus thing. What were we talking about?

Man are you asking the wrong person.

12. I totally noticed that you changed your post titles to the names of movies. Not really. Is there not a lie check on this thing?

No there isn't but thanks for pointing that out. As the inventor of lying I should have thought of that.

So thanks for sticking with me to the end of this. I was wondering if I helped ANYBODY when this just came in:

This Bug has left a new comment on your post "How To Write A Funny Blog Part 4":

I'm through with asterisks.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'm so proud. Thanks Bug!

And then I got this from someone who lost their job so you know she's in a good mood:

Will you come wr*te my B**g pl**se?

I was thisssssssssssssssssssssssssclose.

How To Write A Funny Blog Part 4 TRICKS

Well here's a big surprise. I don't HAVE a 5 part series. I have 4. So tomorrow I'm answering all the questions you asked plus any you leave for me today.

1. Remember back in 1806, when I said to put the funniest word at the end of a sentence? The same goes for the entire post, put the funniest part last, that's what people remember most.

One of women's greatest gifts is to gab. We come in, excitedly jumping on the couch to tell the ENTIRE story in its most MINUTE configuration and we drive men crazy. They want the bottom line. Did you or did you not have a heart attack? We then make them wade through our story with us, inch by excruciating muddy inch. Best thing to do? Give him the bottom line first, then tell the story while he nods off to his favorite music, the NFL.

What I'm trying to say is don't aggravate your readers.

2. Which brings me to another tip. Start your post with a bang. like I thought I had a heart attack.

It gives us all a hint of what might be coming and we're hooked by the possibility. Don't give your post that name. Call it The Light at the End of the Tunnel. It infers but does not state.

3. Asterisks in swear words KILL me. Like b*tch. The asterisk doesn't make us think you meant botch or batch. You're a writer and those words make you a lazy one and don't make anything funny unless you're 10 years old. Come up with a word all your own that means bitch but is funnier. I read in the NY Times a few months ago that saying the N Word instead of the real word only reinforces that word in a negative way because we still say it in our heads. Same with b*tch or f*ck. If you don't want to swear, then drop the asterisk and the word. You're taking us out of the story (timing) and probably not in an amusing way. Seriously, swear or go home with a baggie full of vowels. There's nothing less interesting than a coward.

And if you think hoot! whoot! epic fail or beyotch is funny, I'm going to pray for you tonight.

4. The Rule of 3's is pretty basic comedy 101. Never make a list, except bullet ones, of more than three. And the third one is always the (alleged) funniest:

I was so starved I ate a hot dog, a hamburger and the food cart.

5. A tag is also standard in standup, less so in writing. But they're brilliant when you can pull them off. Got it b*tches?

That last word was a tag, recalling something said earlier. Readers will think you're a genius. At least I keep telling myself that.

6. The K sound, also Comedy 101. Words with the hard K sound will always get a laugh. It's why you hear Fuck so much in standup. Dick is another one. Ask a comic what kind of jokes he prefers and he'll always say, "A good dick joke," unless he's an Evangelical and then. No.

7. Many bloggers spread themselves too thin. Unless you're a political writer, DO NOT write about it if you're calling yourself a humor writer. If you don't believe me, stick your own blog into Google reader, click on SHOW DETAILS and you'll see how many readers you have. You can also do this to everyone else's blog. We get enough news on the Internet and TV, we don't want to hear your take on things that you may talk about once every two weeks. If you're a humor writer, you'd sure as hell better make it funny.

8. Funny published authors use very few adjectives and adverbs unless absolutely necessary. When they do, it's in a sarcastic or blatantly humorous way like this from: Dave Barry Turns 40:

"And let's talk about airline pilots. I have long felt that if I'm going to risk my life and valuable carry-on belongings in a profoundly heavy machine going absurdly fast way the hell up in the air over places like Arkansas, where I don't even know anybody, then I want whoever is operating this machine to be much older and more mature than me. But now I routinely get on planes where the entire flight crew looks like its raising money for its Class Trip...I want the crew to leave the cockpit door open so I can make sure they're not using the navigational computer to play Death Blasters from Planet Doom."

9. Spellcheck spellcheck spellcheck.

10. Find one thing you have or do that no other blogger has or does. Something people will be surprised at, wait for, hope you do again. For example, I changed all my post titles to the names of movies. I obviously thought I was a genius.

No one noticed.

How To Write A Funny Blog Part 3 TIMING

Your persona goes hand in hand with timing, another difficult thing to explain. More than being born funny, you are definitely born with timing. It involves word pacing and most importantly, 'beats,' or pauses. But can you write a 'beat' on the page?

A perfect example of timing comes from comedian Margaret Smith who arguably has some of the best timing in the business. One of her jokes:

A guy walked up to me in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?"
I said, "No, but I'll take the 7 bucks."

Now how do you put that on the page?

A guy walked up to me in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?"
I said, "No. But I'll take the 7 bucks."

That period is the timing. Why not the comma? We stop at a period, we read past a comma. It's a speech pattern that came with the instruction booklet they gave your parents when you were born. The good news is that it's easier to write timing into something than speak it. That's probably why there aren't that many standup comics in the world as opposed to authors.

My timing is in fragments. I think in fragments, perform in fragments and write in fragments. I start a sentence but then I stop it, sometimes in mid air. I often separate with a paragraph to approximate the beat. Sometimes it's my: (lie), Rude. or Fool. Those are some of my beats because you, the reader, have to pause out of the sentence to read that one word. It's easier for me to do this on stage because I don't have to think about it.

I write each of my posts at least three times and often up to six to try and capture what my brain is thinking. Because I hear it in my head perfectly, I take the time to replicate it on the page. Sometimes I fail and then go back and rewrite up to three months later. Demented. I know. Early readers of mine, now dead, were shocked when I admitted this. I know when it sounds perfect to me and I'm the only one I have to impress since George Clooney has a new girlfriend. Asshole.

Granted, a lot of this information comes from over 20 years of being a comedian and actor. And knowing I'm funny. Confidence goes a long way in comedy and writing. A very, very long way. If you don't think you're funny, you're probably not. And that's okay. I can give you tips to help you be humorishier or funnierishier. Or can at least give you the phone number of my shrink.

Honesty can be a problem in writing a funny blog. People sometimes can't reveal their names or their towns or where they work for legitimate reasons, like witness protection or dumbfucks in Pennsylvania. How can I get addicted to you if I know nothing about the real you and you speak in a false voice? At least put a spin on it to make it more interesting. Use the deconstructed you. I use the real me only because try Googling me, I'm all over it and would have been caught sometime. And I have nothing to hide. (lie)

And one last thing. The longer your posts, the less funny or humorous you are. I've been guilty of this myself but I write a post and do what Coco Chanel advised, Take off one thing before you go out. In this case, be brutal, cut it in half, tell the story, don't ramble and for God's sakes try and make us laugh. More on how to do that tomorrow.

Unless I o.d. on Chuckles WHICH I DON'T HAVE tonight.

Tomorrow, Tips and Tricks

How To Write A Funny Blog Part 2 HUMOR V. FUNNY

Remind me again why I thought it was a good idea to write this series. Thanks.

How about an example of a persona? Let's use Dooce.

We know she loves her husband Jon, her two dogs and her two children. But her deconstructed persona has her throwing objects at Jon's head, dangling one of their dogs over boiling edamame water and placing things on Chuck's head. This is where she distinguishes herself because she knows her deconstructed self. That and she's a brilliant writer, which most bloggers aren't.

Full Disclosure: I don't know Dooce, she wrote me back once with the word 'thanks' in the email and if she did know me might run screaming into the Utah night with Chuck on her head.

Back in the 80's Carol Leifer and I used to walk out of Catch A Rising Star and go next door to a raunchy bar with a bowling alley. We'd trash men all night and laugh our asses off. One day she called me and asked me to be on her first TV show Leifer Madness. When I showed up on set, after hair and makeup, Carol said, "Oh my God, what did they do to you?" They made me up with a turban and a housecoat so I looked like my part, the apartment manager. My lines were tragic and boring. Carol was upset and said, "NO, I wanted the girl at the bar, she's who I hired." She had hired my persona, not the real me. The show failed. I blame her. (love you Carol, mean it)

And here is where I should point out that men never really think women are funny. Fuckers.

Being a humor blogger is not a bad thing, but it is much harder to be funny than to be humorous. Humor is when you walk away thinking, 'Oh, that's cute.' Funny is when you walk away and can't stop laughing, tell it to your friends and generally annoy the shit out of everybody with your stupid funny joke.

My pet peeve in this category is the sheer volume of people who refer to themselves as humor writers. And if they're on those aggregate humor lists who take anyone who applies. GET OUT.(I joined one and but got HIRED for another one. After that, I joined no lists) They have other bloggers judge your writing, bloggers with no credentials, nothing published and worst of all, strangers kissing ass with very little sense of humor. If you read some of these websites you realize they're taking page views and Google ranking off your work. If you see The Onion or David Sedaris's name on a list, sign up for that one. Otherwise, write a novel. If I can do it, anyone can. Or write a screenplay, if I can do it, so can you.

P.S. But they are very hard to write. I should change my title from "I Fucked A Priest" to something a little more Disney. Agreed?

Tomorrow, Timing

How To Write A Funny Blog Part 1 PERSONA

Can anyone be a funny blogger?
Can anyone be a humorous blogger?
Can anyone be a boring blogging?

No
Yes
Yes

Funny can't really be taught, no matter what anyone tells you. It's like hair color, you're born with it. Humorous can be taught and if you're boring, well, I'm sorry about that. Take up golf. Although you probably already have.

Even though you can't teach someone to be funny, you can teach them to be more humorous and maybe one day they'll slide into the funny.

The first thing you need to have as a funny writer is a persona. It's literally translated as "mask" and is used in writing as well as acting. Woody Allen is a good example of this, as is Cher. You can tell who has a definitive persona by who gets imitated on Saturday Night Live.

The reason persona is so important in comedy writing is that it's an identifiable trait or traits that separates you from all the millions of bloggers (25 million at last count). It's your voice and people become addicted to hearing that voice. In standup, finding a persona is a royal flush. Some comedians never find one and sink like a stone because they sound like every other comic. The same happens in writing. Your goal is NOT to sound like everyone else.

The hardest part of the persona is isolating it. So here's how you can attempt to find yours:

1. Write 5 things about who you think you are
2. Deconstruct that list to its basest level

Example:

Goody 2 Shoes

1. married
2. excellent cook
3. has children
4. volunteers all over town
5. secretly depressed

Goody 2 Shoes Deconstructed

1. Wishes they had sex more regularly
2. likes to flambe everything
3. wishes her children weren't smarter than her
4. is sick of volunteering but can't say No
5. wants to scream at everyone but is too depressed to do so

Persona

The deconstructed version is what will get you the laughs. And because the funniest word in the sentence always goes last: 'My goldfish swim really fast when I stand there with my blowtorch.'Blowtorch is a word we don't expect at the end of that sentence.

One of my pet peeves in the blog world is that people title their posts with their punchline. In the above example, don't write HOW I KILLED MY GOLDFISH as the title. There is then no reason at all to read your post since I know the outcome.

Tomorrow, the difference between humor and funny.