Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Step Away From The Celebrities #4

I'm sure you're all familiar with Charlie Sheen and his show 2 and a Half Men? The housekeeper on that show is played by Conchata Ferrell, who lives in my neighborhood.

We live a few blocks from the Cinerama Dome, which costs a few bucks more but no one yells at the screen and there are never any babies crying and you can reserve your seat in advance while sitting naked at your computer with chocolate melanoma on your thigh.

It was built in 1963 to present special "Cinerama" movies. Cinerama was a wide-screen format of the early 60's, which used three separate 35 mm projectors and a huge curved screen. It was very successful and hundreds of domed theatres were planned, but the wide-screen process proved too expensive, and the Cinerama movie fad soon faded from popularity and became the VHS of movies. Ours is one of the last ones left in captivity.

This incident happened a month or so before my surgery last year and I was in BAD shape. I was buying painkillers off the drug dealer in the apartment next to me and I was the one complaining about him.

I took my reserved seat and noticed that Conchata and her 98 pound husband were sitting in back of me on the aisle. I'd chosen a middle seat and had a cane. The movie ended and I wobbled to the stairs and was negotiating them slowly when I hear her behind me say in a booming voice, EXCUUUUUSE ME. I edged closer to the side, which p.s., I was already so on the side I could have passed for flocked wallpaper. She just needed more room so people could recognize her. And how did she miss a FUCKING CANE and someone LIMPING?

Once in the lobby I put on a heavIER limp and hobbled right beside her and she didn't seem to think I was slowing down her trip to lap band surgery as she strolled leisurely along.

I'm telling you, fat people hate me.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous5:19 AM

    it's so weird you posted this TODAY- just last night while we were watching a recorded 2 1/2 men, I told Graham, 'I bet that woman is as much as a bitch in real life as she is in the show'.

    Thanks for proving me right

  2. Well I can imagine. I walk slowly due to a form of Muscular Dystrophy and I hate stairs! Why can't the world be flat? Anyway, that's another blog topic.
    People "tailgate" me to the point where I think they are going to run me over. If a bitchy or bastardy celeb ever rearended me, I would fall down and flop around like a fish out of water...just to get on youtube. hahaha



  3. I'm with Mrs. K. I was wondering the same thing. Thanks for solving that mystery, Scooby!

    I KNEW it!

  4. I'm fat and I don't hate you.

  5. Suz they hate you because you are so cute. That is what it's all about.

    I was dinning at the Ivy one day with my sister. You know how tight those tables are? Well there was a woman who looked vaguely familiar sitting next to me. She dropped her napkin and I bent and picked it up and handed it to her. She looked at her dinning partner and said "I hate when people try to suck up to us famous people" I honestly had NO clue who the woman was except she looked familiar. I found out later She was that pet psychic lady.
    Yeah she was a REAL celebrity. :0

  6. She hates you cause you're skinny, damn funny, and have that incredible super "blending into the wallpaper" power. She will NEVER have that.

    (from vod. vod kanockers....)

  7. Fat people hate everybody mostly. Particularly pretty people. Like you.

  8. I am so disappointed that she is mean in person. What a bitch! You should have tripped her with your cane.

  9. It's totally a fat versus skinny thing... I agree with gmcountrymama... you shoulda tripped her with your cane!

  10. Anonymous12:35 PM

    Okay, I think I can tie fat celebrities and the Cinerama Dome into one comment. Diane Nichols, a wonderful comic, had just moved to LA and got a job as an usher at the Cinerama Dome. One night the manager summoned all the help. Elvis was arriving (talk about fat celebrities). She escorted "The King" to his seat. This was, I believe, before Elvis died, so I think Diane was about 10 years old.
    Martha Jane

  11. Screw tripping her with your cane, I would have beat her with it!

    But, that's just me.

  12. Anonymous3:16 PM

    I second Bobbi's opinion. B to the itch!

  13. When I had to wear my big foot boot (while 8 months pregnant) I used to get these people who would walk behind me. They'd get so close to me that if I stopped, I knew they'd topple over me. Never knew why they had to hang so close, especially since there was always miles of room to the left of me.

  14. Phil and Aunt Becky, Phil, sorry about the MD, hope it doesn't mess up your life too much and both of you, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WALK TOO CLOSE TO ME. It's a pet peeve of mine and once in Paris, I turne on these 2 Japanese and kicked them. Yes, I'm menta.

  15. How gracious of her! People are so inconsiderate. I remember when I was pregnant and waiting tables. I was in my last month and was as big as a freakin whale. We were working a large party of about 100 people and do you think those dumb ass people would let me through without pushing them over? Nope! After saying excuse me about 3 times, I would kindly remind them that it was impossible to "suck it in"!!!! They thought I was being cute and funny.

  16. Suzy! You really make me laugh... 98 pound husband...LOL.. When I lived in L.A. I used to get so mad at celebrity BS. Now in Nashville.. when I see a celebrity.. I just stalk them from afar and watch them interact.. I'm like "Be an ASSHOLE. I dare you.." I will tell everyone!!!

  17. Oh and I wanted to say about Charro.. or Conchita or whatever her name is.. that her voice is so damn distinct.. and loud you could hear her from Barstow.

  18. I would have to agree with the majority. You should of caned her ass.

  19. But...but...but...(sound like a motorboat, huh?)...I'm fat and I adore you!! For real and for true!

    But I don't much like fattitude, and it would seem that woman has it in spades.

    On behalf of well-mannered fat women everywhere, I apologize for the rude fat chick's behavior, and should I chance to meet her one day, I shall educate her as to the error of her ways. With extreme prejudice.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (Who does TOO have a mean bone in her body...she's just too wellmannered to show it in public!)

  20. Sigh. And I was SUCH a Conchata Ferrell fan!! I guess now I have to resign as Fan Club prez.

    Too bad she and her chicken-necked husband didn't stampede over you. You could've sued her and made a little moo-lah for your suffering.

  21. "I could have passed for flocked wallpaper" is awesome. It's the little things.

    Like I always say, you tell the best celeb encounter stories.

  22. And she thinks she's famous? Well, I looked at the pic and thought she looked like the woman who played the pizza joint owner in Mystic Pizza.

    She's probably overcompensating for her anger that the movie made Julia Roberts and Lily Taylor bigger stars. Big in the metaphorical sense, I mean.