Friday, April 24, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Don't piss off God.

That's not my motto or anything it's just that a few days ago I wrote IS GOD EVEN ON DUTY ANYMORE? Now that I've written it once again I would like to add this disclaimer:

It was just a joke, now bring back my stuff.

It started with the 2 Milky Ways. Remember that heartbreaking story about Pink Dot forgetting to add them to my order? Really, someone in Hollywood should make that into a movie.

Then I went to Bed Bath and Beyond. My sister had 100 coupons and had given me half. Did I take them with me? Did I even remember where I put them? So the cashier asks me if I have one and I say "One what?" Now I have to find the coupons and go back to the store and take my receipt to get 20% off $14.99. DON'T LAUGH, WE'RE IN A RECESSION, PEOPLE.

Then yesterday I couldn't find my driving glasses, which are prescription CHANEL and which I always leave in my car. GONE. I asked a man walking down the street to help me look. He might have been a serial killer but without those glasses I'll just drive into a wall and die anyway.

Now I need more Clonopin so I can sleep through the night. I called my shrink and asked her to phone it in to Costco because I went 5 days without it and thought I didn't need it anymore BUT I'M THE WORST PERSON TO TAKE ADVICE FROM BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER TO BRING A COUPON TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND. I called Costco to see if it was in yet and guess what? IT ISN'T.

And now the WORST thing of all. Vodka Mom is gone.

Sorry, God.


  1. Now I know who to blame! Bring back VM SOON!!!!

  2. I'm really pissed at you for making Vodkamom disappear.

  3. Ah-hA! It WAS you!!!! Just as I suspected.

    Get your ass into church and tell God you're sorry!

  4. Vodka Mom led me to your blog.

    Seriously, I could cry that she's gone.

  5. Anonymous1:37 PM

    I don't think it is wrong to place a curse on the individual who stole your glasses. They will perhaps fuck up their vision by using prescription glasses that aren't theirs.

  6. pssssst, *l@@king side to side* where is she.... I won't tell.. I am here to help you out!

  7. Um...where did VM go? Maybe you should sacrafice a virgin or something...Maybe that would bring her back. Do you think Daniel Craig is still a virgin? I mean I know it would be awful and all but if it brought VM back...I'm just sayin

  8. I thought maybe Vodka Mom was hiding out at your place!

  9. That's the way BByond gets you. They send you all those coupons. So you think - hey, I'll just go to BByound - I have a coupon! They know you forget to bring them. Works every time.

  10. I'm going to BB&B, and I am taking my coupons with me. Thanks for the reminder!

    I know . . . bite me!

  11. Vodka Mom left? Your wife left you!? What did you do? I know it wasn't because you pissed off God because s/he can take a joke. Or - looking at the people around me - maybe it's s/he can MAKE a joke.

    Oh, and if you shoplift, you don't need ANY coupons! Just sayin'... It IS a recession, yanno.

  12. Anonymous5:51 AM

    You mean you actually had a cashier to check you out at BB&B?

    That's cause in itself for VM to return.

  13. We're all casting around for someone or something to blame for VM's disappearance. Thank you for fessing up. But maybe if you'd been a better spouse, some of this wouldn't have happened?

  14. I hate when I forget my coupons! I always bring them then forget to use them at checkout, but am too emabarrassed to use them once I remember.

  15. I'm here to give that bad luck BACK to you. I don't want it anymore.

  16. ah, vm... so nice to see you again, even if it's here :P lol

    and no, suzy, it takes more than that to piss me off -- signed 'god'

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