Monday, December 31, 2007

The Sexy Sweaters Of New Year's Eve

In 1999 I was performing in a standup show I co-created, produced and starred in called Single, Married & Divorced. That year we were booked in South Carolina to do two shows on New Year’s Eve at the Comedy House in Savannah and Columbia. They had comics at both clubs and on New Year’s Eve they wanted each set of comics to be driven in town cars to the other club, do a show and then be driven back. The night that we changed to the year 2000, the year all the traffic lights across the United States were supposed to stop working and engines were going to drop out of all cars in South Carolina.

Another great gig.

The night was a total disaster. It started out like this: ...and went downhill from there. My business partner, Leslie Norris, the one in the middle, thought it would be a good idea to buy these sweaters in some shelter for blind people and then force us to wear them for the show.

Because we were PAINTED on a wall in one of the clubs, we were expected to blow the room away. After all, how many comics got immortalized in South Carolina along side Jeff Foxworthy, Chris Rock and Pauly Shore? Although why Pauly is considered funny is a mystery to a lot of comics. Okay, ALL COMICS EVERYWHERE, EVEN THE ONES IN OUTER SPACE.

But people stayed away from the clubs. And the few that showed up made my New Year's Eve gig at Lompoc Prison look like a back rub from George Clooney. All I remember is three gay guys in the front row. There is no decent, self-respecting gay man anywhere who would be caught dead at a comedy show unless every other venue in their town had caught fire.

This picture isn't too bad. Mainly because my 'Wall Face' is obliterated by the flash of the camera. But take a look at my 'Wall Face' in this one:

The alien in Alien didn't look this bad. Mickey Rourke after his first face lift didn't look this bad. Jocelyn Wildenstein didn't look this bad after her 167 plastic surgeries to make her look like a lion.

End of career chat.


  1. Sweaters is a great idea! We have the ugly sweater contest for our family Christmas. This year my brother in law and niece went to Goodwill and bought sweaters and shoes for us "girls". They picked pastel blue colors for me (why do people continue to dress me with the colors i learned to despise as a child? I am not a blond.)

  2. Anonymous6:47 AM

    And maybe you could do away with all Theme Sweaters in general while you're at it? Seems like a worthy National Cause.

  3. Bossy just left that comment using new Blogger Technology (she tried signing in with a nickname instead of a Blogger identity which she doesn't really have) - perhaps it was a failed experiment.

  4. Wow...those sweaters. You know, my brother recently attended an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party, and should there be another such event next year, I may ask to borrow that sweater.

    Happy New Year!!

  5. PLEASE do the sweater contest. Maybe then the word will get out that these things should really be burnt to a crisp and NEVER created again. AHH!! They LOVE them in my hometown. I had to cut my trip short because I couldn't take it anymore! You are also a HOT alien:) Great chat, Suz.

  6. On Christmas, after seeing a full church choir in ugly holiday character sweaters I told my mom (who was the only lady over 35 that was not in one) that if I ever saw her in one I would personally strangle her to death with it. She told me "Merry Christmas to you, too."

  7. I'll start making plans for the sweater contest ASAP!
    And, what is it you are wearing in the painting? Is that a one piece jumper or a dress?

  8. A Comedy Trio is one thing...A Comedy Trio in matching New Millennium sweaters is something entirely different.

  9. I can't wait to start shopping. I'm going to hit every thrift store in the midwest to find a tacky sweater. I wonder if the Amish make tacky sweaters.

  10. Hmmm...I don't have an ugly holiday sweater. I think next time Sheepy falls asleep I will knit one from ass wool. That should be ugly enough. Do I have to wear it to enter the competition?

  11. Anonymous11:08 AM

    great news! airbrushing doesn't technically count as "painting," so you're off the hook.

  12. Anne, I'm looking forward to your next year's entry. If there's a stuffed ferret shirt, I'm going to be very suspicious.

    Bossy, what the hell are you drinking over there?

    Jess, consider it borrowed.

    Slimko, hey everybody, go check out Jen's blog. She's a great photographer and one HOT mama!

    Erin, heh heh.

    gm, I was wearing a skirt and probably a black top. We only wore black and white for the show.

    al, you mean those sweaters don't turn you on? G A Y.

    Justin, I'm looking forward to your entry next year.

    dj, start knitting one of your friends right now.

    jeremy, I couldn't tell the diff so thanks for clearing that up.

  13. Anonymous11:29 AM

    Here in Hawaii we have periodic "tacky tourist" parties for the locals, where you're supposed to wear hideous vacationer outfits. The sad part is I didn't have to buy anything new for the party. (hahahahahaha)
    Aloha and hauoli maka hiki ho (happy new year, in Hawaiian)
    Martha Jane

  14. MJ, did you just call me a ho?

  15. Those sweaters are sex-AY!

    I think spending New Year's Even in South Carolina is my worst nightmare. And I live in Arkansas. ;-)

    Happy New Year!

  16. Oh Damn Suzy, that is an ugly ass sweater. You look awesome but the sweater... well I'll just say that I hope the hell you got paid really well for that show to have to be in public in that sweater!! Happy New Year, Party On!!!

  17. Anonymous2:54 PM


    Hope you have a fun-filled and successful New Year with better sweaters.

    Thanks for all the laughs in 2007. Looking forward to 2008.

    Happy New Year!


  18. Anonymous8:58 PM

    Happy New Year, Suz.

    end of career chat, Funny!

    We're you guys funny?

  19. Jay, South Carolina is the only state where I got a speeding ticket. The cop accepted cash and then I found out later he was a scam artist and stopped all out of town plates for the $$.

    Yes Boxers, we got paid well. At least enough to pay for the sweaters.

    Mark, I haven't worn a sweater since 1999.

    The mickeys, yeah, we sold out venues wherever we went. We were kick ass funny.

  20. Why is the woman in the middle (on the wall) holding a tiny man and groping his naughty bits??

  21. That was a picture of our 8x10 which had Leslie holding her (then) baby John in her arms. The painter had issues with proportions...

  22. I think it's cute! Do I have the winning sweater pic for you, though! In high school, circa my helmet hair days and my sisters were both on the heavy side, my grandmother thought it would be cute to get us all giant expensive, ornate Christmas sweaters and get our pictures made in them. I've been trying to hide those SOBs, but every couple of years I will find a wallet-sized one floating around. Best. Pictures. Ever.

  23. Oh wow......But sorry, no, I definitely win the ugly sweater competition. My mom has bought many a pure virgin wool beauty defiled and violated with giant snowman/apples/flower appliques. My mom GAVE me all her old sweaters. I'm not a teacher. I'm not 107 years old. I have no use for them.
    The Sweaters Of Fug 2006

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