This is from the chapter on Sly Stallone: No Wonder I Never Wanted An Easy-Bake Oven.
I’m not in great shape. The only time anyone wrote “lots of abs” next to my name was in my attendance report from high school. So I joined a gym. You can’t not join a gym in Los Angeles. The authorities will find out and suddenly you’re on a billboard that says Got Fat?
So I Got Serious and hired a trainer, or rather hired the one that Bally’s Gym assigned to me. He'd been Mr. Bulgaria twice; Mr. Northern California in the early 90s and wrote three fitness books, which was three more than I'd written. I felt sorry for him; his business card was an unevenly sliced-up piece of Xerox paper. He was earnest and committed, probably had a family waiting in a cramped one-bedroom apartment somewhere in Koreatown, expecting him to put borscht on the table. He had that sad, vacant look that people who do not ever expect to catch up with life have. I have the same expression after I’ve had sex.
Mr. Bulgaria loved working out and assumed I did also because why else would I be at the gym?
Sidebar: Cute guys, the smoothie bar and cute guys. Oh yes, and cute guys.
I don’t understand why people love to sweat. “It gets out all the toxins.” If there are toxins leaking out of any part of me it means my alcohol levels are dangerously low so point me in the direction of a martini.
Maybe I’d love working out if I enjoyed eating. Then there would be a goal, to lose weight or keep a steady weight. But I hate eating even more than I hate working out. Hand me a pill marked LUNCH and I’m done until I’m handed a pill marked DINNER. Give me a purple drink like the one in the movie Barbarella. Jane Fonda drinks it when she wakes up from a hundred and fifty-four hour nap. Sounds like a perfect place to live; you drink your meals and get to nap for six days in a row. That movie was made in 1963 so apparently the future has let us down. And by us I mean me.
I don’t like to discuss food, shop for food or try the food at the trendy new restaurant in Who Cares, Connecticut. I lived with a man who used to drive me crazy because while we were eating breakfast he’d ask me what we should do for lunch. At lunch, he’d ask me what we should do for dinner. At dinner, he’d ask me what we should do for breakfast. No, we’re not still together, why do you ask?
When I do manage to eat something I inhale the whole thing and am then surprised to discover that it *serves 4.* Four what, anorexics? I can hardly wait until I’m rich enough to have Ina Garten move in. It’s the only reason I’m still breathing in and out.
The only machine I used regularly at the gym was the water fountain but I kept going because of the cute guys. And the smoothie bar. And oh yes, the cute guys. But sometime in the last few years the cute boys emigrated to marriage and the gym became a meeting place for old Chinese women. Mr. Bulgaria deftly escorts me through them as if he’s afraid I'll stop and spontaneously break into a mah-jongg game.
The gym rat in our family is my sister Lindy, who once graced the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine. Her nickname in college was The Body. My nickname in college was Can You Introduce Me to Your Sister. She goes around spewing communist propaganda like, “I’m really craving an apple.” Please, Johnny Appleseed didn’t crave an apple. If you’re at her house and want something fattening to eat, you have to lick the grease off her stove. She’s always telling me I don’t work out enough, that I don’t do enough aerobics. Like getting up from the couch and lying back down twenty times a night isn’t aerobic. Every time we have an earthquake I grab my Shake Weight so as to maximize the effects of the shifting tectonic plates. If that’s not dedication to exercise then I don’t know what is.
“How do I look in this bathing suit?” I once asked her.
“You look fabulous.” Then ten days later she saw me in shorts and said, “You look terrific; not like you did in that bathing suit.”
As for the rest of our family, we would rather die with a stent in our hearts than a deltoid on our wherever the hell the deltoid goes...
(...continued in book)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Top Ten Films of 2012
"This year I missed a few major releases, which is very rare for me. (I had a serious bike wreck and lost four family members). I’ll catch them eventually and I’m sure I’ll be super pissed as one of them will probably shatter me and I’ll obsess for years about it not having a chance to be fairly included. So, this year’s list for the first time comes with apologies to those filmmakers and my fingers are crossed that your shit sucks so I can feel justified. No, seriously. I’m rooting against you so I don’t look bad.
A very bright spot this year was the launch of Soro’s book Celebrity Stalker, currently on the Kindle Best Seller List in Pop Culture. When I first met her she mentioned that her blog was there for one reason and one reason only. A book deal. You have to admire and address when somebody achieves a huge goal they have set for themselves like that. A very heartfelt congratulations to her and a very huge buy the fucking book to you. --Abeyta
P.S. Love you Soro, and thanks for having me back. These aren’t in any order and you should see everything on the honorable mention list as well."
Zero Dark Thirty – Kathryn Bigelow was the first female director to win the Oscar™ which she accomplished by beating out her ex-husband. You may actually never see a more perfect sentence in the English language.
Holy Motors – “Unless you don’t like angry boners.” This is a perfect example of why nobody has EVER used my reviews for poster blurbs.
The Raid: Redemption – “Unless you don’t like Asians throwing refrigerators at each other.” Example #2
Django Unchained – Seriously, is Quentin Tarantino the only person in Hollywood having any fun at all making movies? I wish I could have been in the room when he told Harvey Weinstein he was going to do a long, slow tracking shot on the bottom of Jamie Fox’s balls. QT is among a very elite handful of directors who can do anything they want and he chose that. Just ponder that for a moment will you…
The Master – I was asked what I thought Paul Thomas Anderson was trying to say with The Master I responded with, I think he was trying to say, “Hi, I’m Paul Thomas Anderson and I make great fucking movies.” Joaquin Phoenix was a lock for best actor until he told the Academy they were bullshit. They should have just told him, “Didn’t you change your name to Leaf Phoenix for awhile? That’s actually bullshit because it’s a verb! Your words don’t hurt Joaquin because it appears you don’t actually understand how they work!”
Argo – So, you ever watch a movie and then about 20 minutes in you really start hoping that nobody has sex? Ben Affleck’s portrayal of the 1970s was so accurate that I started having a panic attack because I just knew somebody was going to take his or her pants off and it was going to be horrible! All hairy and probably like a 90% chance that one of those weird rubbery girdle things would show up. Sorry about that Oscar™ snub Ben, but let’s look at the bright side. You made an incredible film and you were never named Leaf.
Compliance – All of the tension of Argo, with the added bonus of naked jumping jacks! With all of the science and modern grooming techniques of 2012 available! Thank you dear sweet baby Jesus in heaven for allowing the gratuitous nudity to show up in Compliance and not Argo! I loved this film because it made people angry. Apparently, the Sundance Q and A almost ended in a fight. The events of Compliance happened. You are really going to wish they hadn’t, but they did. You are desperately and hopelessly going to wish you were part of a better species, but you aren’t.
The Avengers - Oh, your top ten list has a documentary on the oppression of the rural native tribe of all female trout fishers that were lost when Krakatoa erupted in 1883? Well, good for you! My top 10 has a Hulk!
The Grey - Liam Neeson fist-fighting wolves. If that’s a sentence that doesn’t get you out of the house I hope you already signed up for a medical alert service and have all your affairs in order. You're obviously just counting your days left here and joy can no longer penetrate your cold dead cynical heart.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower – You will have to trust me on this one. A stunning film about growing up and finding your place in the world even though you are a misfit. The absolute joy that comes with knowing that even though you are more broken than most there is a place for you in this world and that place is as beautiful as any.
Tout aussi honoré films comprennent:
West of Memphis, Looper, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Cabin in the Woods, Wreck it Ralph, Moonrise Kingdom, Klown, Rust and Bone.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
I Made A Best Seller List
Update: This was a little premature. I'm already at #38.
Thanks to everyone who downloaded my book, Celebrity sTalker. Because of you I'm number 45 on Kindle's Top 100 Best Seller list in Pop Culture.
If you look closely at this cut and paste job below - from Amazon's page - I obviously have a lot to learn about re-sizing. The good news is mice can read it.
Thursday, February 07, 2013
LA Sign Of The Times #105
If you can find one home in Los Angeles that does not have a statue of the Buddha either inside or in their garden, I'll show you someone who just moved here and has not gotten with the program. We are very pro-Buddha out here. Ask us why and we'll say, "It was on sale."
This is mine, from Cambodia.
Monday, January 28, 2013
I Have A Face For Radio
I made my first movie in Paris, France when I was none of your business years old. On the day of the shoot my mom took this picture of me because I'd spent so much time on my hair I wanted documentation. I’d set it and painstakingly got it to curl and was so proud of the final outcome. I had no idea that when you’re cast in a movie, hairstylists do your hair. Thank God because by the time I arrived at the studio, my curl was on life-support.
I played a nurse and wardrobe put me in a micro-mini skin-tight uniform. I did every take hovering over a sickly man because let’s give a guy on his deathbed something to hasten his departure. I had no lines. I was probably supposed to have lines but once they saw that my hair couldn’t hold a curl, I’m sure they changed their minds.
The day it aired I was so excited. This would surely be the start of me following in the footsteps of the brilliant Simone Signoret or the breathtaking Capucine.
Sidebar: Capucine famously jumped from her 8th floor apartment building in 1990. She was depressed and it was rumored it was because she didn’t like the way she was aging.
Sidebar, Jr.: I can totally relate but only live on the 3rd floor.
My scene came up and I inched closer to the TV, straining my eyes to look at my hair. I needn’t have bothered. While the dying man said his lines the camera focused on my ass. For the entire scene. Hi welcome to France.
***
One of the first commercials I booked in New York was for Hanes underwear. I sat on the far left of the top level of a two-tiered bleacher. There were 3 people on my level and 3 on the level below us. The star of the commercial was seated in the middle of the level below us and I hope he amounted to nothing. I’m thinking it so I might as well say it out loud.
A *Hanes Inspector* walked up and down the level below us, checking our work, the *factory workers* pasting our *Approved* stickers into each pair of men’s underwear.
“Quiet on the set.”
“Roll camera."
“And…..action.”
“CUT!”
“Girl with the really straight hair.” The director waved his hand in my direction.
“Me?” I asked just in case there was another girl with really straight hair but we all know there wasn’t.
“What’s your name?”
“Suzy.”
“OK, Suzy, you have to move a little to your right.”
I moved my chair to the right. Everyone was staring at me like I’d committed some kind of Hanes Underwear Crime Against Humanity.”
“Quiet on the set."
“Roll camera.”
“And…..action.”
“CUT!”
“Uh, Suzy?” Everyone turned to look at me. Again. Clearly I was guilty of being unable to move a chair properly and I hope they all amounted to nothing. I’m thinking it so I might as well say it out loud.
“Yes?”
“Could you move your chair a little bit more to the right?”
I again moved my chair to the right.
“Quiet on the set.”
“Roll camera.”
“And…..action.”
“CUT! WE CAN STILL SEE SUZY!”
***
The American Film Conservatory in Los Angeles is one of the top film schools in the world. I’d auditioned for one of their student films and they were so impressed they had me read for another role. After that reading the casting people said they were going to have a hard time deciding which role to give me.
My agent never heard from them again. Hi welcome to Hollywood.
Two weeks later my agent called to say AFI had cast me but it was very last minute and could I rush over there? It was a few blocks from my house and I ran like the wind. Not sure wind can run but if it does, I did too. Wardrobe dressed me in an elaborate 19th century costume. I looked nothing like Keira Knightly in Anna Karenina but for the sake of my fragile ego let's pretend I did.
When I got to the set, the 2nd A.D. placed me in front of a fake house with a fake garden. He told me to stand facing the fake house, with my back to the camera. And that’s how I shot the entire scene, which lasted about one minute. I had no lines.
Back in wardrobe I heard everyone talking about the wrap party that night. No one said a word to me so I asked if the wrap party was that night, in hopes they’d accidentally overlooked me. A girl nodded in my direction and then hurried off.
Whoever was the star of their stupid film obviously wasn’t available to shoot that pickup shot so that’s why I was called in. My back obviously looked like her back. Is that an Oscar category?
And because of all these stories I became a stand-up comic.
Because you have to face the audience.
And people are happy about it.
Usually.
I played a nurse and wardrobe put me in a micro-mini skin-tight uniform. I did every take hovering over a sickly man because let’s give a guy on his deathbed something to hasten his departure. I had no lines. I was probably supposed to have lines but once they saw that my hair couldn’t hold a curl, I’m sure they changed their minds.
The day it aired I was so excited. This would surely be the start of me following in the footsteps of the brilliant Simone Signoret or the breathtaking Capucine.
Sidebar: Capucine famously jumped from her 8th floor apartment building in 1990. She was depressed and it was rumored it was because she didn’t like the way she was aging.
Sidebar, Jr.: I can totally relate but only live on the 3rd floor.
My scene came up and I inched closer to the TV, straining my eyes to look at my hair. I needn’t have bothered. While the dying man said his lines the camera focused on my ass. For the entire scene. Hi welcome to France.
***
One of the first commercials I booked in New York was for Hanes underwear. I sat on the far left of the top level of a two-tiered bleacher. There were 3 people on my level and 3 on the level below us. The star of the commercial was seated in the middle of the level below us and I hope he amounted to nothing. I’m thinking it so I might as well say it out loud.
A *Hanes Inspector* walked up and down the level below us, checking our work, the *factory workers* pasting our *Approved* stickers into each pair of men’s underwear.
“Quiet on the set.”
“Roll camera."
“And…..action.”
“CUT!”
“Girl with the really straight hair.” The director waved his hand in my direction.
“Me?” I asked just in case there was another girl with really straight hair but we all know there wasn’t.
“What’s your name?”
“Suzy.”
“OK, Suzy, you have to move a little to your right.”
I moved my chair to the right. Everyone was staring at me like I’d committed some kind of Hanes Underwear Crime Against Humanity.”
“Quiet on the set."
“Roll camera.”
“And…..action.”
“CUT!”
“Uh, Suzy?” Everyone turned to look at me. Again. Clearly I was guilty of being unable to move a chair properly and I hope they all amounted to nothing. I’m thinking it so I might as well say it out loud.
“Yes?”
“Could you move your chair a little bit more to the right?”
I again moved my chair to the right.
“Quiet on the set.”
“Roll camera.”
“And…..action.”
“CUT! WE CAN STILL SEE SUZY!”
***
The American Film Conservatory in Los Angeles is one of the top film schools in the world. I’d auditioned for one of their student films and they were so impressed they had me read for another role. After that reading the casting people said they were going to have a hard time deciding which role to give me.
My agent never heard from them again. Hi welcome to Hollywood.
Two weeks later my agent called to say AFI had cast me but it was very last minute and could I rush over there? It was a few blocks from my house and I ran like the wind. Not sure wind can run but if it does, I did too. Wardrobe dressed me in an elaborate 19th century costume. I looked nothing like Keira Knightly in Anna Karenina but for the sake of my fragile ego let's pretend I did.
When I got to the set, the 2nd A.D. placed me in front of a fake house with a fake garden. He told me to stand facing the fake house, with my back to the camera. And that’s how I shot the entire scene, which lasted about one minute. I had no lines.
Back in wardrobe I heard everyone talking about the wrap party that night. No one said a word to me so I asked if the wrap party was that night, in hopes they’d accidentally overlooked me. A girl nodded in my direction and then hurried off.
Whoever was the star of their stupid film obviously wasn’t available to shoot that pickup shot so that’s why I was called in. My back obviously looked like her back. Is that an Oscar category?
And because of all these stories I became a stand-up comic.
Because you have to face the audience.
And people are happy about it.
Usually.
Friday, January 18, 2013
32 Things To Do After Your Book Is Published
1. Be happy you're friends with authors
2. Stop following people who aren't authors
3. Prepare a pretentious explanation for unfollowing them
4. They'll understand why when their book is published
5. But probably not
6. List your book on Goodreads
7. Get people to follow you on Goodreads
8. Get author friends to explain Goodreads to you
9. No author friends will be able to because they don't understand it either
10. Get Amazon reviews
11. Get Amazon Likes
12. Ask your friends to write reviews for your book on Amazon
13. Remember they don't think it's important because they haven't been published yet
14. Know that one day these same people will be bothering you for reviews
15. And will be annoyed when you say you'll write one and then don't
16. Drunk tweet them IN YOUR FACE SUCKAS
17. Prepare to lose your friends
18. Send your book links to your mailing list
19. Why don't you have a mailing list?
20. Because your lolcat emails have reduced your list to three people
21. But you hate lolcats, what ARE you sending out?
22. Delete emails begging you to resume sending lolcats instead of book links
23. Bother authors whose asses you've kissed I mean adored to host giveaways of your book
24. See #1 and #2
25. Tweet your book out 4 times a day
26. Realize people have blocked you on twitter
27. Assume these people are jealous
28. Talk about your book on Facebook
29. Prepare to be unfriended
30. Be secretly happy because you're sorry you friended them back
31. Start writing second book
32. Up your meds
My friend Jess Riley is doing a giveaway of my book, Celebrity sTalker. I featured Jess on my blog after she published her first book, Riding Sideways, back in 2008. She just released her second book, All The Lonely People, and it's phenomenal.
Go to her blog, leave a comment and you'll be entered to win an autographed copy of my book.
If you win it, reread this entire list.
2. Stop following people who aren't authors
3. Prepare a pretentious explanation for unfollowing them
4. They'll understand why when their book is published
5. But probably not
6. List your book on Goodreads
7. Get people to follow you on Goodreads
8. Get author friends to explain Goodreads to you
9. No author friends will be able to because they don't understand it either
10. Get Amazon reviews
11. Get Amazon Likes
12. Ask your friends to write reviews for your book on Amazon
13. Remember they don't think it's important because they haven't been published yet
14. Know that one day these same people will be bothering you for reviews
15. And will be annoyed when you say you'll write one and then don't
16. Drunk tweet them IN YOUR FACE SUCKAS
17. Prepare to lose your friends
18. Send your book links to your mailing list
19. Why don't you have a mailing list?
20. Because your lolcat emails have reduced your list to three people
21. But you hate lolcats, what ARE you sending out?
22. Delete emails begging you to resume sending lolcats instead of book links
23. Bother authors whose asses you've kissed I mean adored to host giveaways of your book
24. See #1 and #2
25. Tweet your book out 4 times a day
26. Realize people have blocked you on twitter
27. Assume these people are jealous
28. Talk about your book on Facebook
29. Prepare to be unfriended
30. Be secretly happy because you're sorry you friended them back
31. Start writing second book
32. Up your meds
My friend Jess Riley is doing a giveaway of my book, Celebrity sTalker. I featured Jess on my blog after she published her first book, Riding Sideways, back in 2008. She just released her second book, All The Lonely People, and it's phenomenal.
Go to her blog, leave a comment and you'll be entered to win an autographed copy of my book.
If you win it, reread this entire list.
Monday, January 14, 2013
I Can Give You My Book For Free Thanks To A Man Whose Name I Don't Know
One of my Twitter followers is buying 5 copies of my book, either the paperback or the Kindle version, so he can give them to you, prisoners of my blog.
All you have to do is email me at suzysoro (at) gmail (dot) com so I will have your email address to forward to the man with no name. I spilled his Twitter handle ON Twitter and he didn't want it mentioned so he wouldn't appear "self-serving." I'm sorry, but that kind of generosity from someone I've never met? NEEDS TO BE MENTIONED.
So if you want a book? Email me!!
I tried to upload a picture of my book but Blogger is being a bitch and won't let me. Very helpful.
All you have to do is email me at suzysoro (at) gmail (dot) com so I will have your email address to forward to the man with no name. I spilled his Twitter handle ON Twitter and he didn't want it mentioned so he wouldn't appear "self-serving." I'm sorry, but that kind of generosity from someone I've never met? NEEDS TO BE MENTIONED.
So if you want a book? Email me!!
I tried to upload a picture of my book but Blogger is being a bitch and won't let me. Very helpful.
Monday, January 07, 2013
How Did I End Up On A Website About Men?
This interview appeared on the website The Man Faq by my friend Tony Castleberry, who is one of their columnists. Where better to end up than on a website dealing with the one thing I know nothing about: men.
TC: Is “You’re funny” the greatest compliment of them all?
SUZY: For a comedian, yes. For a mortician, no.
TC: I read your book in a week. Thoroughly entertaining and insightful. Have you had many (any) celebrity run-ins since the book came out?
SUZY: No run-ins since the book launched. Instead, friends who’ve read it are letting me know which celebrity encounters I omitted. These are the same people who can’t remember what time to meet me for lunch yet are now suddenly hooked up to sodium pentothal drips. So it appears I left out the incidents with Sharon Stone, Tyra Banks, and Mary Hart. I saw a friend over Christmas and he said, “Why didn’t you write about the time you met Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards? Remember how embarrassed they were after that stupid thing you did?” So I guess there will be a sequel and also, how have I not been arrested?
TC: Your interactions with stand-up legends like Richard Pryor and George Carlin were particularly interesting to me because I once waited for nearly an hour after a Doug Stanhope show -- without my date, who bailed shortly after Stanhope's set -- for an autograph and a photo, both of which Stanhope happily gave me. Have you found that comedians are more approachable than other entertainers?
SUZY: I think anyone who is in show business and isn’t famous, which is about 99.9% of us, is approachable and likes the attention, including comedians. I’ve never met a comic, famous or otherwise, who didn’t take the time to talk to someone who approached them. Of course this always ends with one of them telling the comedian a story about their crazy family or their wacky office and how we can “use that if we want to.” Meanwhile, Modern Family and The Office beat them to the punch(line).
Famous entertainers are trickier, as evidenced by my run-ins with Diana Ross and Lucille Ball. I assume they’re tired of people telling them how great they are, or of hearing how big a fan someone is. It’s a shame because without those fans, those celebrities wouldn’t be celebrities. And those stars were lucky, they had longevity. Today the statistics claim a pop star gets roughly three years of fame and a newcomer to TV or film gets less than that. Obviously I’m not talking about reality stars. Those people will haunt us forever. I’m looking at you, Snooki.
My philosophy is that if someone has paid good money - or even bad money - to see me perform, I feel like a timeshare and that they’ve temporarily rented out a piece of me. Not a good piece, like an arm, but maybe an earlobe. I just ask that they laugh in all the right places if they want their deposit back.
TC: The sidebars and Amazon reviews that appear often in Celebrity sTalker are informative and funny. Since it is obviously a unique way to write, did you ever second-guess those ideas or wonder if they would work?
SUZY: I’m a big fan of TV shows with judges and lawyers. I love the part when the judge calls the attorneys to the bench and says something that can’t be heard by the rest of the court and is referred to as a sidebar. It’s always slightly relevant to the case but in reality I assume the judge is just asking them if they know a good place to get sushi. I’d been using the word ‘sidebar’ to separate paragraphs in my blog posts for many years even though the sidebar is actually the long column on the side of a blog. So it was a natural progression to put them in my book. The preferred way to mention an interruption between paragraphs in a blog post is to refer to it as a ‘side note.’
Sidebar: I’m very stubborn. Who knows a good place in LA to get sushi?
As to the fake Amazon reviews at the end of each chapter, I wanted to mock the real ones, which are often cruel or stupid or both. It’s always the person calling out another reviewer for having bad grammar who spells grammar with an e. I also hid something in the reviews but so far, no one has figured out what that is. After my sister read the book I asked her if she liked those parts. She demurred and finally admitted she didn’t know me as well as she thought because I was taking the criticisms “really well” and that “people who didn’t even know me were incredibly mean.” I told her the reviews weren’t real and remembered she could deconstruct calculus but couldn’t figure out the reviews were fake? Where are my parents now, when I can point this out to them and make my sister wrong?
I never second-guessed using both the sidebars and the reviews. I’d never seen anything like them in any other books; especially humor ones, so I thought I was pretty clever. This wore off after six weeks of writing and became, “Dear God, why did I ever think I was clever?”
TC: What kind of feedback have you gotten since the book's release?
SUZY: The book has been out for three weeks and so far, I’ve received only positive feedback. The only negative comment came from my mother who said, “I think the cover’s too busy,” so I asked her to show me the cover of her book so we could compare.
And that conversation, as they say in Hollywood, was a wrap.
TC: Is “You’re funny” the greatest compliment of them all?
SUZY: For a comedian, yes. For a mortician, no.
TC: I read your book in a week. Thoroughly entertaining and insightful. Have you had many (any) celebrity run-ins since the book came out?
SUZY: No run-ins since the book launched. Instead, friends who’ve read it are letting me know which celebrity encounters I omitted. These are the same people who can’t remember what time to meet me for lunch yet are now suddenly hooked up to sodium pentothal drips. So it appears I left out the incidents with Sharon Stone, Tyra Banks, and Mary Hart. I saw a friend over Christmas and he said, “Why didn’t you write about the time you met Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards? Remember how embarrassed they were after that stupid thing you did?” So I guess there will be a sequel and also, how have I not been arrested?
TC: Your interactions with stand-up legends like Richard Pryor and George Carlin were particularly interesting to me because I once waited for nearly an hour after a Doug Stanhope show -- without my date, who bailed shortly after Stanhope's set -- for an autograph and a photo, both of which Stanhope happily gave me. Have you found that comedians are more approachable than other entertainers?
SUZY: I think anyone who is in show business and isn’t famous, which is about 99.9% of us, is approachable and likes the attention, including comedians. I’ve never met a comic, famous or otherwise, who didn’t take the time to talk to someone who approached them. Of course this always ends with one of them telling the comedian a story about their crazy family or their wacky office and how we can “use that if we want to.” Meanwhile, Modern Family and The Office beat them to the punch(line).
Famous entertainers are trickier, as evidenced by my run-ins with Diana Ross and Lucille Ball. I assume they’re tired of people telling them how great they are, or of hearing how big a fan someone is. It’s a shame because without those fans, those celebrities wouldn’t be celebrities. And those stars were lucky, they had longevity. Today the statistics claim a pop star gets roughly three years of fame and a newcomer to TV or film gets less than that. Obviously I’m not talking about reality stars. Those people will haunt us forever. I’m looking at you, Snooki.
My philosophy is that if someone has paid good money - or even bad money - to see me perform, I feel like a timeshare and that they’ve temporarily rented out a piece of me. Not a good piece, like an arm, but maybe an earlobe. I just ask that they laugh in all the right places if they want their deposit back.
TC: The sidebars and Amazon reviews that appear often in Celebrity sTalker are informative and funny. Since it is obviously a unique way to write, did you ever second-guess those ideas or wonder if they would work?
SUZY: I’m a big fan of TV shows with judges and lawyers. I love the part when the judge calls the attorneys to the bench and says something that can’t be heard by the rest of the court and is referred to as a sidebar. It’s always slightly relevant to the case but in reality I assume the judge is just asking them if they know a good place to get sushi. I’d been using the word ‘sidebar’ to separate paragraphs in my blog posts for many years even though the sidebar is actually the long column on the side of a blog. So it was a natural progression to put them in my book. The preferred way to mention an interruption between paragraphs in a blog post is to refer to it as a ‘side note.’
Sidebar: I’m very stubborn. Who knows a good place in LA to get sushi?
As to the fake Amazon reviews at the end of each chapter, I wanted to mock the real ones, which are often cruel or stupid or both. It’s always the person calling out another reviewer for having bad grammar who spells grammar with an e. I also hid something in the reviews but so far, no one has figured out what that is. After my sister read the book I asked her if she liked those parts. She demurred and finally admitted she didn’t know me as well as she thought because I was taking the criticisms “really well” and that “people who didn’t even know me were incredibly mean.” I told her the reviews weren’t real and remembered she could deconstruct calculus but couldn’t figure out the reviews were fake? Where are my parents now, when I can point this out to them and make my sister wrong?
I never second-guessed using both the sidebars and the reviews. I’d never seen anything like them in any other books; especially humor ones, so I thought I was pretty clever. This wore off after six weeks of writing and became, “Dear God, why did I ever think I was clever?”
TC: What kind of feedback have you gotten since the book's release?
SUZY: The book has been out for three weeks and so far, I’ve received only positive feedback. The only negative comment came from my mother who said, “I think the cover’s too busy,” so I asked her to show me the cover of her book so we could compare.
And that conversation, as they say in Hollywood, was a wrap.
Friday, December 14, 2012
My Book, Celebrity sTalker, Is Out
My memoir, Celebrity sTalker, is out today, Friday the 14th of Dear God What Was I Thinking.
Anyone who calls writing a book a labor of love is lying. It's hard. It will wake you up in the middle of the night when you suddenly discover a better word for *the* and MUST write it down immediately. Only after you write it down and go back to bed you think, I should probably just open the file and type it in. And after you do that you realize you should pull out the jump drive and back up the file because the odds of your computer breaking down now that the book is done ARE VERY HIGH.
But I digress.
This is one of the pictures that didn't make it into the book because I forgot I had it. It's me and Larry David, from Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, taken in 1988 at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York. I have no idea what we were laughing about but it probably had something to do with me trying to kiss Larry on the lips and him also wanting that to happen. Never.
The paperback ($12.99) is here and it's also on Kindle ($4.99) or you can buy one directly from me ($700). Now don't those Amazon prices look like a bargain?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sometimes You Have A Perfect Day
My parents started dragging my sister and I to museums before we were teenagers. The Corcoran and the National Gallery in Washington D.C., also the Smithsonian. I studied art history in Paris and went to the Corcoran School of Art in D.C. in my junior year. Once someone left a joint in my art box. I'd heard of this devil marijuana and how it was a gateway drug to ice cream sandwiches, but had never smoked one. I gave it to Betsy, one of my roommates, who promptly smoked it, got high and proclaimed me very Un-Cool, like that was even possible. By the time I smoked pot, two years later, I wanted to go back in time and make Betsy cough up that joint.
I have many favorite museums, the Frick and the Guggenheim in NY, The Musee D'Orsay in Paris and now The Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, California. Mr. Simon started collecting art when he was 40. I started collecting bad boyfriends at 40. Twins!
Mr. Simon died in 1993 and what he left behind boggles the art lovers' mind. One of the largest collections of French painter Edgar Degas, including this beauty: Little Dancer: Aged 14.
Mom sitting in the Sculpture Garden. Probably thinking up ways to steal my essence.
I have many favorite museums, the Frick and the Guggenheim in NY, The Musee D'Orsay in Paris and now The Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, California. Mr. Simon started collecting art when he was 40. I started collecting bad boyfriends at 40. Twins!
Mr. Simon died in 1993 and what he left behind boggles the art lovers' mind. One of the largest collections of French painter Edgar Degas, including this beauty: Little Dancer: Aged 14.
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| I've seen this in a million (maybe 7) art books but never saw the original. The tulle skirt is real, albeit tattered and dirty. Degas put it on her in 1878. The $10 entrance fee to the museum was recouped immediately upon realizing this beauty was here in California. |
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| This is a side view of Little Dancer: Aged 14. The bow in the dancer's long braid had to be replaced as it was touched by so many art lovers it fell apart. The skirt probably suffered the same fate but didn't fall off. If you get too close to this bronze, a net drops over you and you're sent to Gitmo. I have no idea why people always tell me I exaggerate. GITMO I TELL YOU. My mom and best friend are in the background. Mom is a notorious "toucher" so I made Dennison watch her like a hawk. |
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| This is by the glorious Mexican painter Diego Rivera. It is so breathtaking in person that no picture can do it justice. I now understand why fellow Mexican painter Frida Kahlo was so in love with him. |
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| An Alberto Giacometti with the Diego Rivera in the distance. This is another piece I've seen in a million art books (maybe 5) but never had the fortune to see up close. |
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| The Norton Simon Sculpture Garden. Mom took one look at it and said, "It's Monet's Water Lilies." The gardens are filled with pieces by sculptors Henri Moore, Jacques Lipchitz and Aristide Maillol. And 2 live ducks. |
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
No Kidding
I'm very excited to announce that publication of the book No Kidding, an anthology due out next year, has been moved up. It's a series of essays from women who decided not to have children. It was due out Mother's Day but maybe that publishing date was too ironic when it came right down to it.
I'm in it with some extremely talented and funny women like Merrill Markoe, (best selling NY Times author), Laura Kightlinger, (writer from Will & Grace) Henriette Mantel (web series The Middle with Kevin Meaney) and Nancy Shayne, (Louie) among others. As soon as I get the art work I'll post it.
I've been MIA because I'm finishing up Celebrity sTalker, my first memoir. It will be out at Christmas.
I'm in it with some extremely talented and funny women like Merrill Markoe, (best selling NY Times author), Laura Kightlinger, (writer from Will & Grace) Henriette Mantel (web series The Middle with Kevin Meaney) and Nancy Shayne, (Louie) among others. As soon as I get the art work I'll post it.
I've been MIA because I'm finishing up Celebrity sTalker, my first memoir. It will be out at Christmas.
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