The Winner Of My Book IS:

The winner of the Kindle copy of my book, Celebrity sTalker is Terri! I've spent all weekend trying to load the Random Picker Thingy graphic but when I do, then BLOGGER won't let me type in the Typing Box Thingy. There were 10 names eligible for the drawing. Everyone else had already bought the book or read it and one person entered two comments. So I entered 10 names starting with 1 and the Random Picker Thingy chose number 5. Congratulations Terri! Go to hell, Blogger!

Enough Already With The Log-Ins And The Sign-Ups And The Comment Moderations

Someone nominated me for something. This person was also nominated. I tried to vote for her and in the time it took me to locate my password (which I didn't find) get my screen name right (never happened even with an underscore) or tried to sign in via Twitter (I'm not registered as Suzy Soro) or Blogger (they said I'm not a member of blogspot (are you fucking kidding me?) or Facebook (it's only a fan page and I still hate them) I went out on my balcony and tried to decide whether to jump or move to Albania, where they probably don't have the internet. (don't write me if they do and I'd like to apologize in advance to Albania if they have the internet) (I'm mainly apologizing if you also have to do the sign-up log-in type 2 words to make sure you're not a bot thingamajig)

So where did these passwords and log-ins disappear to? They're probably in one of the millions of emails from websites (in the 16 online filing cabinets I've kept over the years AND NO I'M NOT A HOARDER PUT DOWN THE PHONE TO A & E)  where they've answered my question: WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PASSWORD LOG-IN INFORMATION?

I'm not posting a link to where you could vote for me because you'll need to sign up for an account or vote via Twitter, Blogger, Facebook or your Cap'n Crunch cereal box. And I like you too much for that.

I will never vote on a site that makes me sign up for an account and in the past I've sent the following form letter to all the bloggers who've asked me to vote for them on some variation of Make Me Famous Please I'm Desperate.com:

I don't want another password. I have over 87. I don't want another account. I have over 255. Don't reply to this form letter and admonish me for not duplicating passwords on multiple accounts BECAUSE I ALREADY DO THAT. I've been online since 1998. Please do that math. I'm sure you'll win without my vote because you're the prettiest.

I'm done.

The Winner Of My Funny Valentine!!

I want to thank everyone who entered. I wish I could send you each a book because some of you are such loyal and obviously mentally deranged readers of mine that you deserve one.

I removed the 2 people who asked not to be included because they already owned the book. Two others also owned the book but decided to enter anyway because THEY ARE HOARDERS.

So congratulations Janie Junebug! Send me your snail mail and I'll get the book out to you.

My Funny Valentine

If you want to give someone a nice Valentine's Day gift, buy this book. I have an essay in it so I might be a little biased. A lot biased, even. But there are tons of funny essays in it by other humor writers as well. They made me write that before I got my copy.

I've had my jokes published in The Huffington Post, The New York Post, The New York Daily News, The Edmonton Sun, The Calgary Sun, The Toronto Sun, The Los Angeles Times, The Philadelphia Daily News, The International Herald Tribune and Stars and Stripes. They were also featured in the seminal book on women in comedy, Performing Marginality by Joanne Gilbert.

But this is the first time an essay of mine appears in a book with pages that turn, as opposed to a download. I have nothing against downloads so stop typing your comment. And I didn't have to self-publish!! Yet. It's so intellectually satisfying to wave it in front of my family and yell, "I'M ONLY GOING TO CHARGE YOU RETAIL!"

I wish my dad was still alive because he would have bought hundreds of copies.

He followed my comedy career with an enthusiasm he usually reserved for bourbon. He often penned a joke or two and would say "You can use that if you want." It was really endearing as Dad often lamented he didn't pursue a career in humor. But his generation had to work to support families. First his own, then ours. I always feel bad for people who can't pursue what they feel their gift is, what their heart wants. As someone who did, I know how lucky I am. Even though the money isn't always there, I won't be on my deathbed saying "If only I'd..." But I will be on my deathbed saying, "Now, who can put my funeral on their credit card?"

After I'd done Seinfeld, Dad was at a dinner party at his Yacht Club in St. Petersburg. I don't recall my Dad being on any yachts in his lifetime unless the Army used them in World War 2.  He was seated next to a woman who patiently listened as my Dad went on and on and ON about how funny I was as a child.

"How old is your daughter now?" She asked when Dad stopped talking long enough to take a sip of his Manhattan.
"I don't know; she won't tell me."

He was funny. Everything I got, I got from him.

So this book is for you, Dad.



P.S. I'm signing my copy of My Funny Valentine and giving it away. Leave a comment (or many for a better chance) and I'll pick a winner by Sunday and speed it your way in time for Valentine's Day. Did I mention I'm in it? No? Well, I'm in it.

But Wait! There's More!

Thanks for the 9 extra votes! I thought I'd add something else for incentive. These napkins are still sealed and the 2 coasters look like they're vintage but they're not. But they are cool.

I'm taking a picture of my good foot as that will be added to the winnings. I have to figure out how to pack a foot and what size box to use and whether to send it Ground UPS or Fedex.