Friday, July 16, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

When I was a kid I asked my parents over and over if there was any possibility that we could be Jewish. I have no idea why I asked them but I really wanted to be Jewish. And adopted. Surely these two cretins could not be my biological parents.

Religion was not a big deal in our house. Mom dragged me and Lindy to mass every Sunday where I sat and muttered under my breath how much I hated her church.

She wanted to become a nun when she was 17 and Dad was an alter boy at his church. Although in the above picture he looks like an alter man.

Religion didn't stick on any of us. I left home at 17 and that was the end of all church going activities in our family. Lindy got out of it 2 years earlier THANKS TO ME. Today we can't even sit in a church and listen without eye rolling each other. We wish people got married at bars. Or maybe a nice seafood restaurant down by the beach.

Dad always insisted that his side of the family was Scottish. No Jews.

Our Dad was a notorious pack rat. It took me 3 years to wade through his papers and possessions after he died. I removed this book from the apartment in Florida. It looked old so I figured I should take it. You know, so I could start my own hoarding traditions. The book is called Life of Washington by the Hon. J.T. Headley.

It was published in 1860, the year I was born. Inside is the name Walter Kummerer, neatly and artistically written in black ink. From something called an inkwell, for all you Justin Bieber fans.

After I found the book I asked my mother if she remembered the last name of my grandmother. She replied that it was Kauffman. I said I thought Dad's mom was Scottish but mom insisted on the name Kauffman.

So I went through our family tree and discovered that my great, great, great grandmother was named Kauffman. Her daughter married a Kummerer and their daughter married a Scot.

So my mom was right. Only she got the last name of my grandmother wrong. How did she know the great, great, great grandmother's name but not the immediate grandmother's name?

As everyone who reads me knows by now, I believe in reincarnation. I believe Mom remembered the name because she was part of that family in a former life. There is no other explanation. I'd say she had a great memory but she recently went to Greece and gave me the wrong departure date. And arrival back in Paris date. And then blamed it all on me.

When I was 5 years old I used to say that I wanted to go to California to see Cindy and Cincy. My parents always asked me who they were and I would always reply: Cindy and Cincy. Like my parents were the two dumbest people in the world.

While my Dad was alive I looked over our family tree one evening and discovered that a woman named Cinzie, real name Christina, had been in our family and died in the early 1900's. I clearly met her on the other side. Because who in the hell ever heard of someone named Cinzie?

I dedicate this Friday's Bite Me post to organized religion because I never knew I was part Jewish and I'm sure it's the Pope's fault.

End of chat.


  1. I've got Kauffmans in my family tree, from Switzerland.

  2. scratch anyone, even a tad, and you'd be surprised at what you found out... most folk don't wanna know, others keep all skeletons hidden to 'protect' themselves from whatever

  3. Wait, how do you know you're part Jewish?????

  4. I love that story. The Cinzie part especially.

  5. I have monkeys and squirrels in my tree.

  6. Fat and calories are the pope's fault, too. Mazeltov.

  7. My mom was convinced she hated organized religion because she was reincarnated from someone that was tortured and killed during the inquisition. Who knows?

  8. My grandmother was very interested in our family tree. Together we traced our family tree back to the 17th century. And then I lost all our paperwork. I don't think my grandmother ever really forgave me.

    I didn't have a religious upbringing. I would convert to Judaism. Or Catholicism. Or Islam. As long as my next husband is rich, I don't care what his religion is.

  9. OK, get ready for some chills, Suzy.

    I have ALWAYS felt Jewish. I even have been asked if I'm jewish. I looked just like anne frank in grade school. Anyway, I stumbled upon a website, don't remember how, this past spring. It spoke of this woman's grandmother, and all the things she did that this girl researched. All the things she mentioned were things my own grandmother had done.

    anyway, the girl researched and found out that her great great great great family members had lived in a hidden hispanic JEWISH colony in Spain. Spain, where my grandmother came from . They are called "cryptojews." I kid you not.

    When I read this I said I knew it!!

    How did I know this? I have no freakin' idea...I just always felt it. So, now I call myself a cryptojew. You can find the website easily if you type that word in.

  10. Suzy,

    What the hell is up? I am back to reading my blogs again.. I've missed it! My sister always wanted to be jewish.. LOL and then I had a friend from NY who was Jewish but her mother was a crazy actress who told her that she came from a long line of Italian Violin players..HAHAHA!! You have to know the woman.. so funny..

  11. Anonymous9:30 AM

    "My dreidel's always playful
    It loves to dance and spin
    A happy game of dreidel
    Come play now, let's begin!"
    Odd, but this traditonal Jewish song seems more likely to have been written by a Catholic priest.
    I'll be at the bar of the nice seafood restaurant down by the beach if you care to join me, drinks are on Cinzie.
    X David

  12. -->When my sister was old enought to drive, we'd swing by church, I'd run in and grab a bulletin and then we'd go to the mall for a hour. The bulletin was our receipt that we made it to mass.


  13. I vote for a good seafood restaurant with a bar for all future weddings.

    My youngest brother - an irreligious guy like all his siblings - married a nice Jewish girl. Who converted to Catholicism several years later. Really.

    And I stopped going to church when I was in 9th grade. That's when I told my mother that I just couldn't take the ritualistic cannibalism of communion.

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