SINGLE, MARRIED & DIVORCED - Fifth Cartoon

Him: I don't want to date anyone smarter than me.

Her: I don't see why not, you'd have so many to choose from.

© Single, Married & Divorced

Jokes from the show Single, Married and Divorced, starring Suzy Soro and Leslie Norris.

Written by Leslie Norris.
Illustration by Andre Noel

Junior Mints

Years ago I had surgery in Florida and my friend Gail came with me when I checked in. As I was chatting with the anesthesiologist, Gail told him not to accidentally kill me since I had been on TV. Frankly, I'm surprised that wasn't a reason to let me die but whatever. Gail told him I had been on Seinfeld and like most people, he immediately rattled off his favorite episodes.

I was recuperating in my room after the surgery and the anesthesiologist paid me a visit.

"Did the doctors talk to you yet?"

"No, why?"

"So no one told you what happened during surgery?"

"Uhhhhh, nooooooo."

"Oh, I see."

"Did something go wrong? Am I okay?"

"Well, I should let the doctors tell you this but.." he leaned in conspiratorially, "someone dropped some Junior Mints in you. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha."

Remember that thing you said when you were a kid? That's so funny I forgot to laugh. I mean seriously, what is wrong with people? Is it too late to sue that guy for pain and suffering? Although in all fairness, I should sue my family first. But he is so second on that list. I bought a box of them today and on what planet are people eating a few Junior Mints and saving the rest for later?

End of chat.

RIP Dad

My Dad is buried at Arlington Cemetery so I hope someone walked by his grave today and said 'Thanks.'














2001 - Dad's ashes being carried into Arlington by the caisson.

RIP Phil and Brynn

At the Comedy Awards with two of my favorite people

L.A. Sign Of The Times #9

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part Three

UPDATE: Martha Jane just sent me photos of three people that I hadn't photographed so I thought I'd add them.
Kathy Buckley and Martha Jane

Ant and Diane Nichols

Rick Overton
getting ready to beat the crap out of the manager, who is hanging by his head, the only logical place to hang one from. After all, they do take 15% .


Our hosts, Elayne Boosler and her husband Bill Siddons.

When I told Bill what great artwork he had, he replied without a trace of regret, "It's all Elayne, she won't let me hang anything." Now that's a great husband who has been properly trained. Hot guy Number One, the food server, although he had his eyes closed. He's 21, my waist size. Shut up.Hot guy Number Two, the bartender. Hard to believe he's older than I am.

Only attractive people are eligible for Cater-waitering in Los Angeles. It's not unusual to go to big Hollywood events and see the guests cruising the staff. You should see our UPS drivers. Hands down, the hottest guys in L.A. We used to have one who was so hot that three of us used to order crap off EBay just so he'd come to our building. Then we'd ask him dumb questions like, "What's a stamp?" He now has a movie career.

Hiram Kasten, Karen Haber, Felicia Michaels and Martha Jane of Cocktails From Hawaii who flew in from Honolulu for the party.

Freddy Stoller, who hasn't aged one bit, which I found very annoying. Extremely annoying.

And finally, my arch enemy Jenée who has her cleavage hanging out, for a CHANGE.

I'm sorry I didn't take pictures of everyone and I apologize to those I didn't get. I think we have to hire a photographer for the next event since there were over 90 people in attendance this year and we expect a bigger turnout next year. It was just overwhelming to meet up with people we hadn't seen in many years, some of them from New York and the leaner years, and remember to take their picture. But from all the emails I've been getting from comics who don't live in L.A., they love the pictures more than my astute and brilliant commentary. Whatever.

All night long, no matter what group of comedians I was talking to, the same topic came up over and over, how great it was to get together with our own kind. You could make inappropriate jokes about loaded topics and no one flinched or called you out. You didn't have to be polite and you could swear and bitch without people staring at you with that horrified look I sometimes get when I ...never mind. I think my arch enemy Jenée said it best: "You never have to follow any sentence with just kidding."

What made this party better than every other party? Because everyone was invited, not just the white heterosexual males who hung out together back in the day. We had Black people! We had Asian people! We had women! We had gays! We had Ann Abeyta the Mexican who couldn't spell pinata! I'm never going to let that go.

End of party chat.

GEMINI

© 2006 Clayboys

Best with: Libra, Aquarius, Gemini, Aries and Leo

Fair with: Virgo, Taurus, Cancer and Sagittarius

Difficult with: Pisces, Scorpio and Capricorn

Happy Birthday Donald Trump, Boy George and Barry Manilow

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part Two

All of these photos were taken by my friend Phil Nee, who is not only a standup comic but a photographer as well.

Phil Nee and Elayne Boosler

The amazing view of Los Angeles from Elayne's backyard

The Toast

Dave Edison, Charles Zucker, Billiam Coronel, Mike Rowe, Rondell Sheridan, Mike Dugan and down in front, Phil Nee. I know he got two pictures in one post but his photos, his rules.

Rick Overton manhandles the 'agent' through the mouth (where they deserve it). Keith Barany looks on approvingly, or is it longingly, in the background.

Wendy Kamenoff, Jon Manfrelotti and Billy Riback.

As you can tell from some of the pictures, all s.o.'s, gf's, bf's and spouses have been removed from the pictures. Do I need to know that you're all having regular sex and then publish it on MY blog? Don't think so.

On Friday, the last of the pictures, including the two hot guys and my arch enemy Jenée.

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part One

After the Richard Jeni Memorial in March comedians decided it was a good idea to get together when someone had not died. Elayne Boosler, Rondell Sheridan and Suzy Soro present the First Annual Because We’re Not Dead Yet Party was hosted by Elayne at her home and co-hosted by yours truly and Rondell. It was the best comedy party of the last fifteen years and the only reason I know that is because I've been to all of those parties and they couldn't even compare to this one. Modest much?Maxine Lapiduss, co-host Rondell Sheridan and host Elayne Boosler

The invitation-only party mixed NY and LA comics along with catering from Kai’s European Catering and Event Design and lots of surprises. Richard Jeni’s best friend Len Austrevich generously donated copies of Rich’s specials Platypus Man and Crazy From The Heat as party favors. Circle of life tokens were also given out as well as one of Kai's nirvana inspired chocolate chip cookies which I ate at 4 a.m. because I'm trying to keep my weight down by eating in the middle of the night when no one can see me. What? That totally works.

Emo Phillips and Mike MacDonald, who are both clearly insane. Or high.

Two candy-filled piñatas dressed as AGENT and MANAGER were beaten to a pulp by a baseball bat. There was a lot of cheering.

A fake sign-up sheet on the door allowed us to pick our own 'spots.'Jerry Diner, Johnny Dark, Jamie Alcroft (from Mack and Jamie) and Scott LaRose sign up for their spotsElayne's pool designBeverly Mickens and Mike Ivy Jann Karam and Margaret Smith

Rondell generously donated a case of Richard Jeni’s favorite champagne, which Richard got in the Oscar gift bag when he was one of the writers for the Chris Rock-hosted Oscars.

L.A. comics Rich Williams, Ryan Stout and Tommy James. Does Tommy have breast implants?

Ant (in the background), Danny Kinsella, Ann Abeyta (she writes the top 10 movie list for my blog) and Billiam Coronel.


Richard Jeni's lovely and heartbroken girlfriend, Amy Murphy

My only regret is that I didn't take pictures of the interior of Elayne's house, mainly out of respect but mostly because I forgot. I've been to a lot of LA homes and Elayne has possibly the coolest house I've ever seen. The greatest mix of artwork, arcana and collections gathered over a lifetime of travel with a discerning eye. We should all have such a cool home.

More pictures to follow, including ones of the two hottest guys at the party and my arch enemy Jenée, who demanded photo approval over the pictures I took of her. You see what I'm dealing with here?

I Had A Bad Day

Daniel Powter

Yesterday was one of those days that I have about every 10 years. A day when everything small and inconsequential goes wrong.

It all began with a piece of toast with raspberry preserves. I took one bite and one of the little raspberry nuggety things got caught between a bottom tooth and a top tooth and I heard my teeth scrape together like two fenders rear ending. As one side of my head fell to the disgusting rental linoleum I did the Medical Tongue Test. If the softest part of my body can’t feel it, then I must be okay. My tongue burst into flames and started crying for its mommy.

But I had no time to call 911 because I had a doctor’s appointment at 11:00 a.m. in Korea town. I decided that because I only had two dollars on me, I would take my Jar ‘O Change to a Coin Star machine because just buying something and asking to get cash back at the supermarket apparently isn’t enough of a challenge for me. I parked in the underground parking lot of a Ralph’s, hiked the two miles to the machine, read the instructions and pushed the green button. Nothing. I pushed it again and again until I noticed a sign that said it didn’t work. A small eensy sign that only leprechauns could read. I trekked back to my car and drove down to Korea town, constantly looking in the rearview mirror to see if a thief had spied my stash and was following me.

Ten minutes away from the doctor’s I saw another Ralph’s. I went in, exchanged the coins and took my piece of paper to the checkout area. I thought “Watch all the lanes be full of people who have coupons and don’t speak English.” Being a devotée of The Secret I recognized what I was doing. If I continued to think things would get worse, they would. And of course they did because The Secret always works.

There were no Express checkout lanes so I settled upon the shortest queue, four women with two thousand items each. Since I got my Standing In Line degree in New York City I bullied the first two into letting me jump ahead and decided to let the third woman alone. I’m nothing if not fair. And then I noticed that the shopper who was checking out had handed the checkout lady a stack of coupons. And the checkout lady was patiently explaining in English that some of the coupons were not for the right amount of goods while the Spanish speaking customer kept saying, “No comprende.” I left the line and found another one with only three people in it. The woman in front of me saw that I had nothing but a slip of paper in my hand and she generously waved me ahead. I will find her again one day and propose.

One of the two girls ahead of me declared to her friend, “I bought the cutest dress yesterday. It has an umpire waist.” I resisted the urge to say, “Did you buy it off an L.A. Dodger?” because I was afraid she would beat me up and make me even more late for the doctor’s because it was a very, very bad day.

I finally retrieved my money and got back to my car with two minutes to get to the doctor. But I couldn’t leave well enough alone. “What if I can’t find parking? What if I forget how to write and can’t sign in? What if the doctor had a stroke and was rushed to the ER?”

I pulled into the parking lot and there was no parking. I drove down to P3, which is next to Antarctica on a map of the world, and ran for the elevator. It didn’t come because now my head voice was screaming “This day is going to suck for 48 hours and Dr. Rhee is going to have to amputate my foot if he gets out of the ER alive and then he won’t have any morphine and I’m going to die in Korea town. What will happen to all my right shoes? Can I get a refund for all my right shoes? WHO IS GOING TO LOVE ALL MY LONELY RIGHT SHOES?”

I burst into the doctor’s office, signed in and sat down. The first time I went to Dr. Rhee’s I brought magazines to read since I didn’t think I’d find Elle Décor in a Korean doctor’s office and of course I went right in. I did the same thing the second time and I went right in. But this time I brought nothing so of course I had to wait.

“Sujee Sowo?” I stood up and followed a nurse who escorted me to a room I’d never been in. The Amputation Room, obviously. Her English was poor and I decided to fuck with her because my tooth was turning black and I was about to lose a perfectly manicured foot.
“Beautiful necklace.”
“My retard boyfriend the pimp gave it to me.”
“Ahhh, veddy nice.”
“Yeah, he murdered my parents and I was glad.”
“Nice, nice.”
“I’m going to come back here later tonight with El Quaeda and blow this place up.”
“Goooood, veddy good.”

Smiling, she exited. I waited ten minutes for the doctor and I’ve never waited more than two minutes before but this is because this was a very, very bad day. When Dr. Rhee finally examined my foot he said, “Well of course it hurts, you’re walking wrong.”

Walking wrong. What am I, only using one leg? Turning my feet backwards? Wearing shoes made out of Jell-O and lug nuts?

I came home and ate chocolate.

End of whining chat.

Dear Homeland Security, I have no connections to the terrorist group I mentioned. I'm your garden-variety irreverent comedian. And I have a friend who works for you and can vouch for my assholishness. Assholability? Asshology? See? I'm an asshole. Larry David can vouch for me as well.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #8

One More Reason To Hate Models

Should I slap her or do you want to?

IRAQ STAR

LAX after 9/11

A few days after 9/11, I was driving on the 405 South and a convoy of humvees and military transports was traveling in the lane next to me, probably on their way to Camp Pendleton. As they passed by, I could see the soldiers hanging out of open vehicles, all in camouflage gear. I honked my horn a few times and they all looked over at me and I just kept mouthing the words Thank You to them. Most of them nodded back or waved. I flashed the peace sign, which was probably inappropriate back then, but certainly prescient.

There’s a Mexican man in my neighborhood who has been collecting cans for years. He and I are on a stop-for-a-few-and-catch-up basis. About a week after 9/11 I saw him down the street, ahead of me. He was flying a big American flag from his supermarket cart filled with empties. I burst into tears.

I spent 14 years in New York City. I’d been to the World Trade Center many times and had eaten at Windows on the World, the restaurant at the top, twice. From the safety of my couch here in the Hollywood Hills I couldn’t fathom the depth of annihilation but I believed that we needed to invade Iraq. They had weapons of mass destruction. They were going to kill us all. I was in Florida 10 days after 9/11 and one of my friends there was marching and picketing against the invasion of Iraq and even though I didn’t say anything to her, I thought she was wrong.

Sorry Gail. You were right. I was wrong.

Maggie Lockridge, R.N., my impossibly gorgeous friend Micaela’s mother, has started a non-profit organization called Iraq Star. They offer free reconstructive surgery to wounded American soldiers returning from Iraq. They fly them, free of charge, to Beverly Hills and have some of the most brilliant Board Certified plastic and reconstructive surgeons available to work on these men and women. They are treated like a rock star and everything from food, hotel and post-operative care is provided at no cost to the veteran. I have linked them here and they are permanently on my sidebar. Contact your local newspapers, television shows and civic organizations about Iraq Star. Help me get the word out.

Please make a contribution to this fine organization so that these soldiers can heal and go on with their lives.

Because they have allowed us to go on with ours.

End of war chat.

L.A.Sign Of The Times #7

Brian's Picture Of The Fire

I went upstairs to Brian and Natasha's to take some pictures of the hovering helicopters over the Griffith Park fire and they took me up to the roof to get a better view. This is one of the pictures Brian had taken earlier in the evening. (Brian took that great circular pic of the building we live in that I tried to link but couldn't. It's from Welcome To Uploadland, February 6)

Why are there so many fires so CLOSE TO WHERE I LIVE? Two in such a short period of time. I've lived here 15 years and there haven't been any. Real estate in our area being what it is, maybe they're trying to smoke us out so they can convert to condos.

End of fireside chat.

Nobody Likes Suzy

-My father called me Susan
-My mother calls me Suzo
-My sister calls me Snookie
-The first guy I was going to marry called me Possum
-The last guy I was going to marry called me Bunny
-The Doctor called me Q-Ball
-Elvis called me Q
-My friend Prinny calls me Pooz
-My friend Colleen called me Snooze
-Another friend called me Hank
-My friend Metia calls me Burl
-McLoserstene’s friend Kristin calls me The Distracter
-My neighbor Joe calls me Sue
-Last week my neighbor PJ called me Lady S
-Anyone else have this problem?
-End of chat

SINGLE, MARRIED & DIVORCED - Fourth Cartoon

"My dog got really sick and I nursed him back to health, which made me realize that if I had taken better care of my first husband, he might be alive now too."

© Single, Married & Divorced

Jokes from the show Single, Married and Divorced, starring Suzy Soro and Leslie Norris. Written by Suzy Soro.
Illustration by Andre Noel

McLoserstene #1