Monday, November 20, 2006

Step Away From The Celebrities 2

Two weeks ago I was pulling into a spot at Mayfair Market here in the Hollywood Hills when I saw a sleek, silver car park about twenty feet away from me. The driver of the car and I met up at the same time at the entrance of Gelson's.

"Excuse me, what kind of car is that?"
"It's a..."
"Oh my GOD, you're Patrick... Stewart? No, this guy was not bald. Ewing? No, this guy was not black. Swayze? No, this guy was not dancing.

It was McDreamy, who I know has a last name but seriously, what's the point? For the first time in my life a man rendered me speechless. I mean, besides George W. Bush.

McDreamy was wearing a tight, navy blue ribbed sweater and had one of those scalp-hugging knit hats on in the same color. And jeans. Really nice, butt-hugging jeans. Like you didn't want to know.

"I love your show," I said as he started walking (running) away from me.
"Thank you, very kind," he said turning left (breaking into a full gallop) into produce. He eats produce. How cool is that?
"Truly great show."
"Much appreciated," he shouted over his shoulder as he approached a security guard. Is he hotter in person than he is on the show? Oh fuck yes. It was like looking at someone through a pink gel, the ones they put over the lenses in movie making (and that I'm trying to have installed here Chez Soro) that make you look soft and line-free. The Sex Factor was dripping off him like a Popsicle melting in the sun. I might have to take a teensy, me-time break here...

I was down in Santa Monica months ago and as I pulled up to a light, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw ten black SUVs queued up like gamers waiting for the new PlayStation 3. That can only mean one thing in this town, paparazzi or bodyguards for someone really important. I glanced to my left and in the Benz next to me were Maria Shriver and the Governor of our mentally unbalanced Democratic state, the Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger. I had just seen Maria on Oprah, where she discussed her upbringing and how the Kennedys and their spouses always encouraged their kids to be of public service and to always be doing something with their lives. Her mother Eunice Kennedy Shriver started the Special Olympics and her father Sargent Shriver started The Peace Corps. Maria had just published another book when she went home to her parents' house. Her father asked her what she was doing. She replied that her book had just come out and he said, "You wrote that book two years ago, what's next?" Apparently no one got to rest on their laurels, or a chair.

So there sat Maria in the passenger seat of the California State Benz, staring at me. I mouthed the words I LOVE YOU to her. She smiled and mouthed back THANK YOU. Then I nodded towards her husband and mouthed, NOT HIM, JUST YOU. She must have laughed out loud because Arnold looked over at her and thank God the light turned green and I took off. I do not need a state tax audit thank you very much.

The reason I talk to all these people and make a fool of myself is because the one time I wanted to talk to someone who had changed my life, my ex-boyfriend Gary, one of three guys I was engaged to in my life, told me not to.

We were at a New York Friar's Club roast for Milton Berle. Gary was a very distant cousin of Milton's and had just completed a documentary of him for the Museum of Broadcasting. The roast was to coincide with the documentary of this legendary comedian. Every major Hollywood and New York comedian was on the dais. When the roast was over, Gary and I mingled, said our goodbyes to Milton and then headed for the exit. We got to the elevators and as the door opened, the two people ahead of us stepped inside. It was Lucille Ball and Gary Morton. I looked at my Gary with wide eyes. He shook his head No. I gave him the Are You Fucking Kidding Me look and again he nodded No. As I stood there fuming I looked over at Lucy. She had backed into a corner and had her face down, staring at the fascinating linoleum floor of the elevator. Her Gary was standing a few feet away and staring into space.

She did not want to be recognized. She did not want to hear for the 80 trillionth time that I was her biggest fan. That because of her I went into comedy when I was 14 and never looked back. That I once did the Lucy Cry at an audition in New York and got the callback and it was for a Shakespeare production. That I have watched I Love Lucy my entire life and tried to figure out what it was that made her a genius. The most famous comedian in the world wanted her privacy. So I kept my mouth shut. And have been regretting it every day of my life since. Thank God I didn't marry Gary. Seriously.

End of chat.


  1. a little "me-time break." Heee!

    I never run into any celebrities here in Wisconsin. I wonder why. I'm just going to have to live vicariously through you.

    (Love the Schwarzenegger / Shriver incident!)

  2. S- Do you prefer the chocolate episode, the vineyard episode, or the Vitameetavegimin episode? I've always preferred the first New York apartment, enjoyed the California months, but could never get my hands around the move to Connecticut (except for when the chicks got loose).

  3. I'm a Vitameatavegimen freak. Every single body movement, facial tic, slurred word and eyebrow lift should be taught in comedy acting classes. The way she starts out so sober and ends up so drunk should be de facto learning for all "actors" who think they know how to play drunk.

    The picture of her at that table trying to sell that stuff was a big painting that someone put on a side of a building here in Hollywood. It's things like that that make me love this town. We know comedy.

  4. Ha, great stories! I can't get into Patrick whatever. Maybe because I don't watch GA but I still see him, pre-nose job as the teenage call boy in "Can't Buy Me Love."

    I LOVE your response to Maria Schriver. Make that two of us.

  5. Since we've already exchanged McDreamy stories, here's my Ahnold story:

    I was working a benefit at Rod Stewart's house. He of course has an amazing home but there were pictures of Rod EVERYWHERE, which I thought was kind of funny in a narcissistic rock star kinda way. Oh and there was a pair of underwear on the head of one of the statues out front. Anyway, I walked into the kitchen and nobody else was in there. I turned around and was standing next to a table full of butter plates. In walks Ahnold. He stretches out his arms and says, "Is this where the pahty is?"

    I said, "It is if you like to party with butter."

    Then Maria came in behind him and gave what appeared to be a snarl and unfortunately, Ahnold never responded. If he had, I'm sure this story would actually be worth some money.

  6. Anonymous10:05 AM

    McDreamy??? Ahhhhh. So jealous. Faithful GA-watcher, I can almost picture him saying "Thank you, very kind." Ahhhh.

    Love the Ahnold stories here!

  7. Liz (mom 101), get in line behind my arch rival Jenee, who is not a Patrick fan either. I think you're both disturbed but WHATEVER.

  8. Meena, I had to do a Google sign-in on your blog, don't know what that's about, but my real name doesn't come up that way. So in case you didn't know it was me, it was me.

  9. Anonymous7:20 PM

    Look at you. Hello, gorgeous!

    I love that you mouthed sweet nothings to Maria. Hilarious.

    Thinking of your missed opportunity to speak to Lucy reminded me of the time I met Muhammad Ali. I had done some media relations work for him for an event. When the event concluded, my husband and I were alone with Ali and his wife. I said nothing. Deer in headlights. ARGH!

  10. I have a great pic of me and Ali. I crashed a book signing in Paris and told them I was an American journalist. I then pushed my way up to Ali and got my book signed. I then told him what I did. He thought that was hilarious.

  11. You do tell the best stories!

  12. Now I am jonesing for Patrick Dempsey!

    And dude, you should have so said something to her!!! I woulda been like, "So, we're all in here trying to pretend that Lucille Ball is NOT STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, let's just have a quick little chat, shall we?"

    I woulda freaked at all these incidents. My closest brushes with fame: Seeing Julia Roberts in the American Club in the Miami Airport, and doing a phone interview with Brooke Shields. And this one doesn't really count but seeing Anthony Michael Hall while he was filming Batman. OH, and seeing Clint Eastwood in DC when he was filming that president movie like 15 years ago ... what was the name of that movie? OK, done rambling.

    I want to see some famous peeps!

  13. my celebrity sighting? Running into tall skinny Marcia from the original Bob Newhart show. And I mean RUNNING INTO HER at the San Diego Field trip. (I was on a field trip with second graders during my student teaching. Of COURSE they had no idea who she was...)

    You get McDreamy, I get Marcia. It figures.