On December 25th I picked up Christmas dinner at Izzy's on 15th and Wilshire and took Wilshire all the way down to the coast. I turned right onto Ocean Avenue and got my first glimpse of the Pacific. As many times as I see it break in front of me, I'm always astounded by the beauty of this part of California. I coasted to a red light next to the California Incline, which veered off to my left.
It's the ramp that those people below are waiting to cross. The ramp that slopes down onto the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH), that glorious hunk of asphalt that hugs the California coastline for miles and miles and offers you a taste of what The Beach Boys sang about back in the 1960's. It's not a road you navigate drunk as it zigzags more than lightening.Sidebar: When my sister Lindy was dating Johnny Carson, he lived on the ocean in Malibu. You had to wait for oncoming traffic to subside on PCH before turning left into his place. Then it would take about 15 minutes to back out of his driveway. Nobody stops to let you in or out on PCH unless you toss a hooker onto the middle of the road.
So on Christmas Day Lindy and I were talking about sex, because we're those sisters who always ask each other about the other one's sex life. It can be a dicey conversation as I learned the day many years ago when she told me about her motorcycle riding boyfriend and the time they stopped for gas so she could go to the bathroom. The boyfriend followed her into a stall and she gave him a blow job.
As disgusted as I was at the thought of anyone having any kind of sex in a gas station bathroom, I knew Lindy had never peed on a public toilet seat in her life because she always sat on her hands. So I had to give her props for the "Look ma no hands blow job." There are no classes for that you know.
Anyway, we finished watching It's Complicated and Lindy casually mentioned The Vaginaplasty. I asked her what it was and she said she heard about it on Dr. Oz.
DR. PERVY OZ, Oprah's minion.
If you're having a lot of pain during sex, see a doctor. And they're not talking about a headache because gynecologists' offices would be filled around the clock.
It means that the vagina has shrunk and the walls have thinned and who wants candy?
Or a picture of the Pacific from Lindy's building?
The vaginaplasty stretches out the vagina and puts it back in working order. Working order? So it can go back to secretarial work?
If you're reading this and have crossed your legs and tightened your butt in the process then congratulations, you know why men do the same when hit in the groin by an overactive 3 year old on America's Funniest Home Videos.
The sad thing is that no woman will probably ever share this particular experience with you. No one will meet you for mojitos and explain that their vagina needed a tune-up.
End of chat.