It's the ramp that those people below are waiting to cross. The ramp that slopes down onto the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH), that glorious hunk of asphalt that hugs the California coastline for miles and miles and offers you a taste of what The Beach Boys sang about back in the 1960's. It's not a road you navigate drunk as it zigzags more than lightening.
Sidebar: When my sister Lindy was dating Johnny Carson, he lived on the ocean in Malibu. You had to wait for oncoming traffic to subside on PCH before turning left into his place. Then it would take about 15 minutes to back out of his driveway. Nobody stops to let you in or out on PCH unless you toss a hooker onto the middle of the road.So on Christmas Day Lindy and I were talking about sex, because we're those sisters who always ask each other about the other one's sex life. It can be a dicey conversation as I learned the day many years ago when she told me about her motorcycle riding boyfriend and the time they stopped for gas so she could go to the bathroom. The boyfriend followed her into a stall and she gave him a blow job.
As disgusted as I was at the thought of anyone having any kind of sex in a gas station bathroom, I knew Lindy had never peed on a public toilet seat in her life because she always sat on her hands. So I had to give her props for the "Look ma no hands blow job." There are no classes for that you know.
Anyway, we finished watching It's Complicated and Lindy casually mentioned The Vaginaplasty. I asked her what it was and she said she heard about it on Dr. Oz.
DR. PERVY OZ, Oprah's minion.
If you're having a lot of pain during sex, see a doctor. And they're not talking about a headache because gynecologists' offices would be filled around the clock.
It means that the vagina has shrunk and the walls have thinned and who wants candy?
Or a picture of the Pacific from Lindy's building?
The vaginaplasty stretches out the vagina and puts it back in working order. Working order? So it can go back to secretarial work?If you're reading this and have crossed your legs and tightened your butt in the process then congratulations, you know why men do the same when hit in the groin by an overactive 3 year old on America's Funniest Home Videos.
The sad thing is that no woman will probably ever share this particular experience with you. No one will meet you for mojitos and explain that their vagina needed a tune-up.
End of chat.
If I was drinking Mojitos and had recently undergone vaginaplasty ... it might just creep up in the conversation. And by creep I mean I would be talking loudly about every aspect of it!
ReplyDeleteLook at the size of your sister's entrance way!
ReplyDeletemy legs are so well crossed that I dont think I shall ever be able to untie the knot after reading that...
ReplyDelete-->Back to secretarial work... hahaha...
ReplyDeleteAnd to think there are hookers in Thailand who have it sewn up and shrank to make it smaller and thinner and not fit for secretarial work.
ReplyDeleteLindsy! REALLY! In a gas station Bathroom? You couldn't find a Dennys?
WTF, you doin' postcards now??
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, there are the women who get their hymen surgically replaced...but that's old news. Seriously, why do people DO these things to themselves?!
ReplyDeleteOf course this is a male invention. What about a penisplasty where the penis is shrunk to match the reduced vagina? Also, I must take this opportunity to remind everyone that in Hawaiian mythology, Pele (the volcano goddess) sometimes disguises herself as a flying vagina to confuse her enemies. (Hello Washington, are you listening -- talk about a weapon that would strike mortal fear in the heart of terrorists everywhere.)
ReplyDeleteAloha,
MJ
No comment could possibly be made after MJ, and now I'm late to pick up Three.
ReplyDeleteI thought it just means it wasn't being used enough.
ReplyDeleteI threw up a little bit in my mouth when you said she sits on her hands. I'm thinking I'd rather have the germs on my ass than my hands. I'm pretty damn sure of that.
ReplyDelete@Jenn - not really because it's a lot less embarassing to wash your hands using the water hose at the gas station than to wash your ass.
ReplyDeleteSo for the face, we have a "nip 'n' tuck" and for the vajayjay we now have a "stretch 'n' plump"?
OUCH!
ReplyDeleteI was still laughing at your post when I nearly fell off the couch laughing at MJ's comment!
I don't want to comment on the va jay jay tune up, so I'll just say how jealous I am of the view from your sister's condo.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm, I wouldn't have you over for coffee to talk about it, but I will tell you I did an entire spread (heh,heh) for Playgirl magazine on this very subject a few years ago. It was a personal project, you might say. No regrets.
ReplyDeleteSecretarial work? I'll have you know my vagina attended Hamburger U and is now a MANAGER at McDonalds.
ReplyDeletewow,a vaginaplasty I guess I'd have to have sex first to find out if I need one. If that ever happens, I'll get back to you
ReplyDelete