Top 10 Movies Of 2009

Thanks for asking me back, Soro. Here are my top ten films of the year. Netflix 'em!

As with every year, these are not in order of favorite.

1. Up – Dear Pixar: You treat my top ten lists like an alcoholic, abusive ex-boyfriend. I cross my arms and swear to the heavens to stand my ground every time you show up at the door. I always end up letting you in. A beautiful story and rich in character; it’s hard to believe other studios haven’t caught on to how Pixar does it. But here’s a hint: The public shows up in droves every time.

2. A Serious Man – Dear stomach: I didn’t laugh harder at a film all year.

3. The Hurt Locker – Dear Kathryn Bigelow: Only 3 women in 80 years have been nominated for an Academy Award for best director. It would make my life and a lot of other women's lives much easier if you win. It’s getting harder to inspire my nieces and cousins when all the big stuff in life seems to be unavailable to them simply because they’re women. Presidency, Vice Presidency, walking on the moon, left fielder for the Yankees etc. You ever have to give the, “You can be anything you want to be in life” speech to a little girl? I drink too frigging much to have that kind of pressure. I’m gonna end up one of these times just saying, “Stay thin and you’ll be fine.”

So, win this thing sister, cause like Princess Leia said, “You’re my only hope.”

(This is Suzy. Abeyta just quoted Princess Leia. The world has 5 minutes to live)

4. Up in the Air – Dear Mr. Clooney: How come I never get to sit next to guy that looks like you on a flight?

The last time I flew home the guy next to me wore “overalls.” The pinstriped kind, which begs the question, “Why wouldn’t he just take the train he was going to obviously be driving later to his scheduled destination?” Celebrities always pick unsolvable issues to throw their name and money behind. Cancer? Come on! You guys have been trying for a long time and have spent a lot of cash trying to even make a dent in that evil bastard. Think how good for the nation’s moral it would be if you announced you were going to do something like have George Clooney accompany a passenger on a flight from Los Angeles to New York? Use your powers for good, Mr. Reitman.

5. Avatar – Dear 12 year old me: When you grow up and see this movie you’re going to be pissed that you’re not still 12. Films like Avatar are why we started loving movies in the first place. I love the thought that now some clueless film executive, due to the success of Avatar and The Watchmen, think that we as film goers will want to see more blue people on the big screen. “Naked and blue is what the people want!”

6. Fantastic Mr. Fox – Dear All Pool Cleaners: Wes Anderson films are always a special treat. Like an ice cream or a crystal clear swimming pool on a hot day. Not a public swimming pool, those are gross. Kids always pee in them and they get water in their little pug noses and then just blow it straight back into the pool. Disgusting! So, Fantastic Mr. Fox is like an ice cream or an unpeed-in swimming pool without kid boogers in it.

7. Bronson – Dear Porno Producers: I just love a film that has a hot muscled Brit strip down, cover himself in butter and fight prison guards. Is that weird? It’s not weird right? He also used blood and poop (OK. Maybe it’s a little bit weird.) As my friend BJ eloquently pointed out, “nobody wins in a poop fight.” Director Nicolas Winding Refn delivers a remarkable film and Tom Hardy absolutely nails it and in my opinion is easily the best leading performance by a male this year.

8. In the Loop – Dear England: I felt like I was watching The West Wing so drunk that everybody was British. I mean that as a compliment. Which even I will have to admit is a weird compliment, especially if you’re shouting it, which I’m not because then I would have used caps. This was a smaller film and didn’t get even close to the attention it deserved.

9. Inglourious Basterds – Dear Retarded Casting Directors: You have to love the fact that it appears Quentin Tarantino hasn’t even hit his stride yet. An absolutely gorgeously shot film! I mean parts of it looked like paintings were coming to life. A performance from Christoph Waltz that was so great it actually tore a hole in space and stopped time. He’s fifty-three, which means if you’re a casting agent you should throw yourself into the ocean. HOW DID THIS DUDE MAKE IT TO FIFTY FUCKING THREE AND YOU HAVEN’T PUT HIM IN ANYTHING!?! Does Quentin have to do everything? Jesus! You’re all terrible at your jobs and I wished we were samurai so you would have to fall on your own sword for being so filled with suck.

(Suzy again. 'So filled with suck' - now my favorite way to describe ex-boyfriends)

10. The Bad Lieutenant; Port Of Call New Orleans – Dear Hollywood: Don’t forget just how great Nicolas Cage can be when he finds a project that firmly reminds you that nobody is better at full-on wackadoo. Fearless. Amazing. Hilarious.

The more than honorable mentions:

Crazy Heart
Watchmen
Star Trek
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Thirst, Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Observe and Report
Moon
District 9
The Informant!
World’s Greatest Dad
Away We Go
It Might Get Loud
Paranormal Activity
Black Dynamite