Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Telephone Truthiness

One of my favorite ways to get off the phone is fake call waiting.

When I lived in New York and right before I moved to L.A. I was talking to Larry David. Every few minutes he'd say, "Hold on, I'm getting another call." And I would hear nothing.

No beep.

I assumed he was making up the beep because that was something I would do if only I had known about it.

The next year I moved to L.A. One day I was talking on the phone and got a beep-in. I told the person to hold while I took the other call.
"What other call? I didn't hear anything."

So of course I started saying I had another call all the time because some, or all, people aren't that fascinating and talk about diseases that I'm pretty sure they make up which is why no one else will take their calls but me because I'm retarded. I'm talking to you, Pam. (not the non-stick vegetable spray)

So. Pretend Beep. Then I would push the call-waiting button and put them on hold. When I pushed the button again I would get them back and say, "I gotta take this call; it's New York."

Now EVERYONE knows that when you get a call from New York it's automatically more important than a call from any other state. If you say New York people murmur appreciatively and assume you're getting a call from an agent or an invitation to be tied up with neckties while being flown to Atlantic City in a helicopter.* But if you say Kansas the inevitable response is "Can you get rid of them?" So it's always better to get pretend calls from New York.

For years I never told anyone what I did. Then I let it slip to someone (probably the drinking years) and immediately forgot about it. (definitely the drinking years) So the next time I had her on the phone I pulled the "Igottatakethiscallit'sNewYork" and my friend said, "Real New York or Fake New York?"

So I had to phase her out which was fine by me because I'm pretty sure she wasn't dying of the 'Indianitis' that turned her skin darker during the summer while she sat by the pool.

And people say I'm a liar.

*and that, my friends, is what is known as a callback.


  1. Basically, I despise talking on the phone unless the conversation is about something important and the person gets to the point... immediately.

    Thank God for Caller ID and God help telephone solicitors!

  2. hahaha, brilliant!!

  3. Anonymous10:27 AM

    Here in Hawaii, we will "release" the present call with, "oh, it's the mainland! I'll call you back!" It's not that they're more important, but it's the time change thing.
    Aloha, MJ

  4. Great trick! Here in Adelaide, pretty much anywhere in the rest of the world is more important, so I could definitely use Kansas.

  5. I think that is why I'm always emailing or texting. I hate getting stuck in a long conversation about nothing! Kori xoxo

  6. Hmmm, have to dig out my old neckties. How about Vegas in the back seat of a Toyota?

  7. Anonymous1:09 PM

    I have so used this!!! Love it and will continue to use it when necessary!!!

  8. Fortunately because we are a household of 4 cell phones and 1 land phone, if I get a call I don't want to be on (like when the ex calls) I just grab one of the other phones and either call myself or call one of the other phones and say I have to grab the ringing phone. Works every time.

  9. Anonymous4:05 PM

    You may probably be very interested to know how one can manage to receive high yields on investments.
    There is no initial capital needed.
    You may begin to get income with a sum that usually is spent
    for daily food, that's 20-100 dollars.
    I have been participating in one project for several years,
    and I'll be glad to let you know my secrets at my blog.

    Please visit blog and send me private message to get the info.

    P.S. I earn 1000-2000 per day now. [url=]Online Investment Blog[/url]

  10. If I get stuck on the phone, I say Mr 4 is having a meltdown. Even if he is asleep. I probably only can get away with this for a while longer. And we don't have call waiting. Maybe I should have another baby.

    BTW I love your mad PhotoShop or Paint skillz. Amazing.

  11. wait, what was that? Damn, someone's on the other line- be RIGHT back.

  12. If I am on an IM on the internet, I do regularly say - BRB - Phone!

    And sometimes I am not right back. I blame them. If they are boring me, what esle should I do?!

    If I am on the phone, I shamefully use the pets or the partner (either they are hungry, or whatever pops into my head). - I'm a bad person.

    Perhaps a 2010 resolution for me should be to hang up honestly. Ouch.

  13. I no longer answer my phone and just text message people when I need something from them. Selfish? That's my middle name!

  14. call interrupt, as i call it, is RUDE

    i get put on hold a lot, and never allowed to butt in during their chat, with caller id they know who's calling... tells me everyone else is more important...

    and no, it's NOT someone 'on the other line', unless you're rich enough for multiple lines, with 'bounce' option

  15. I'll remember this the next time we talk on the phone. You'll have to find a new way to get Rid of me.hahahaha

  16. How do you have time to read all your comments AND write comedy?

  17. You can also knock on your own door and be all "shit I have to go there's someone here"

    Truth is it doesn't even have to be the door. A cupboard or wall also work. God, I hope we never get video phones.

  18. 290 Followers. No wonder you're no longer taking my calls.

  19. I really want to comment on this, but I've got to take this call.

    I'll ring you back when I think LA is important.



  20. I love fake New York! It's very classy.

  21. Suzy,
    i got me one a them calls from new york oncst, the said i just had won a free trip to some island, ellis island or some damned exotic place like thet.
    big big hugs


    1 beaten egg
    1 (8 oz.) can tomato sauce
    1/4 c. long grain rice
    2 tbsp. chopped onion
    1/2 tsp. salt
    1/8 tsp. pepper
    1 lb. ground beef
    1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
    1/2 c. water

    Combine egg and 1/4 cup of tomato sauce. Stir in uncooked rice, onion, salt and pepper. Add meat. Mix well; shape into small balls, place in 9 or 10 inch baking dish.

    Here ya go Suzy!

  23. Call waiting---WAY better than ringing your own doorbell.

  24. I love the fake beep!

  25. Suzy, could you hold on? I'm being --

    . . .

    Sorry. FL is tied up now. I'm flying her to the moon, and when her feet have finished defying gravity, she'll call you back.

    Any messages?


  26. the truthiness is I feel like people think that when I call them all the time.

  27. GUILTY......wait a minute my 20 year old daughter is calling call ya right back!