It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Spamming is at an all time high. Because TV and magazines are dying on the vine and more and more money is going into blog adverts. Spammers are riding the wave.

FUCK THAT SHIT. I've enabled word verification. I've been using comment moderation successfully but now I'm even tired of having to physically reject the spammers' comments every morning. And of having them jam up my email inbox. Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey...say goodbye.

Who says 'dying on the vine' anymore? 98 year old people, that's who.

Remember the Guess The Amount of my ER Bill contest? The winner was Jackie. She said she "really wanted that tee shirt." Apparently as much as I want gonorrhea since I never heard from her.

Now what? Maybe the next closest guess? Someone go figure it out for me and the person who figures it out PLUS the next closest guess both get a free tee shirt.

Can you believe how lazy I am?

Remember how I begged you relentlessly to keep me in the Top 10 of the Blogger's Choice Awards in the Humor category? After being in 13th place (out of 3500+ entries) I finished 9th. So thank you all for your generosity and if I ever beg for votes again, please feel free to steal my car.

I got this email last week and can honestly say it's the stupidest one I've received in my 12 years online:

I am Mrs Claire Page sending you this mail from my sick bed in the hospital. Write my lawyer(barr.landonwatson@gala.net).

That's IT.

And finally, if you have me listed on your blog roll and I don't have you listed on mine, please send me an email so I can add you. It occurred to me that some of you are much nicer than I am and while I can live with that, it turns out I really can't.

End of chat.

Letterman Joins Conan In The Big Baby Wars

Just when we thought the self-annointed important boys of late night had stopped marking their territory along comes Letterman to threaten any celebrity with banishment if they appear on Leno first.

Oh Dave.

Really?

Why don't you ban really important things like bloggers who post poetry and memes? Or recipes for gruel? Or people who, don't know, how, to use, commas correctly?

Dave, don't make me come down there.

Conan O'Brien Is A Big Fat Baby...

...although no one could accuse the 6'4" gangly talk show host of ever being overweight. If he hunches his shoulders forward he looks like a question mark. Sex with him might be mistaken for genital flossing.

Hollywood is a miserable town in which to fail. Much like Detroit, we do one thing and one thing only. We roll out our Edsel's, take our hits and then load up the 2010 version with more airbags.

As hard as it is to give a shit about what two multimillionaires are grumbling about in our still crumbling economy, I'm going to weigh in because it concerns the comedy business, a business I've been in for 24 years. A business so convoluted that the essence of comedy is often lost in the gross amount of money required to keep it afloat. It's a numbers game. The bigger the numbers, the more advertisers and more money. Welcome to TV.

Jay Leno at 10:00 PM was a disaster for the NBC late night news affiliates around the country. The affiliates were rumored to be losing over 100 million dollars with him helming his own show. The affiliates applied pressure to NBC for the latter part of Jay's 4 month tenure. They wanted him out and the more successful 10 pm dramas to return to that time slot.

Conan started losing The Tonight Show audience almost immediately. His herky-jerky physical movements and grotesque faces were not lulling us to sleep. The under-30's responded well to Conan because they weren't going to bed early. The rest of the country needed the soporific that is Jay Leno.

NBC was unhappy with Conan's numbers. The affilates were losing money with him too. But NBC deserved the drubbing Conan got after booting Jay Leno, who consistently posted winning numbers, burying Letterman year after year.

I'm not a fan of either Jay or Conan and don't think either are funny just so you know where I stand on the issue. I'm just an equal opportunity basher.

Conan has never had to play the Hollywood game. He's been one lucky guy for the last 20 years. The Simpsons, Saturday Night Live, Late Night and then The Tonight Show. People kissed his ass so many times it was concave. If he experienced career failure along the way, I didn't see it.

But Jay? He was thrown off The Tonight Show as a recurring guest back in the 80's. He wasn't even famous enough for it to make the papers. He eventually made it back on as the permanent guest host, further proving how messed up this business is. First he's banned and then he's a guest host and then The King Of It All?

I found this quote from 1994 by Jeff Jarvis, the Couch Critic from TV Guide. "It doesn't matter what (Conan) O'Brien does because he won't control his fate - his competition will." How prescient was that? He also said "O'Brien - like Leno - took one of TV's great shows and turned it into an also-ran because he didn't have the vision to make it his own."

He's referring to Conan taking over Late Night from Letterman and Leno taking over from Johnny. Jarvis ultimately got it wrong because both hosts eventually succeeded. And you have to wonder if the late night talk show can ever be reinvented. Only Steve Allen and Letterman did that.

"I sincerely believe that delaying The Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting." ~ Conan O'Brien

Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show when it was on from 11:30 to 1:00 a.m., way into "the next day." As Johnny's tenure continued he asked them to make the show a half hour shorter. Having watched The Tonight Show from the 8th grade on, (terrible insomnia and a mom who watched Johnny while she graded papers) I was used to the longer format. But like the rest of the country, I survived this horrifying setback in my life.

This is where Conan overshot his mark and became a baby. If he had just moved his show one half hour to midnight, his ratings would have improved because he would be following Jay, who had ridiculously high ratings when he did The Tonight Show. I believe Conan's ultimate decision to leave was based on his embarrassment over losing one of the greatest franchises in comedy history due to poor ratings.

So Conan, take a seat over here with Suzanne Somers, the late Farrah Fawcett, McLean Stevenson, Shelley Long, David Caruso and countless others who thought they were bigger than the Hollywood machine.

They weren't.

Do You Need A Facelift?

This is one of the easiest ways to determine whether or not you need a face lift and what you'll look like after one. I've used my sister Lindy as the subject because it's always appropriate to humiliate members of your family in a small venue like the Internet.

While sitting up look at yourself in a hand mirror.

Then lie down on your back and look at yourself again in the same mirror.

Lindy was so depressed after she saw these results she asked me if I had a scalpel on me.

Like I'd do her before me. So selfish.

And if you can't tell the difference between the two then get your eyes checked. Seriously. Now. On a Sunday. Hurry.

Telephone Truthiness

One of my favorite ways to get off the phone is fake call waiting.

When I lived in New York and right before I moved to L.A. I was talking to Larry David. Every few minutes he'd say, "Hold on, I'm getting another call." And I would hear nothing.

No beep.

I assumed he was making up the beep because that was something I would do if only I had known about it.

The next year I moved to L.A. One day I was talking on the phone and got a beep-in. I told the person to hold while I took the other call.

"What other call? I didn't hear anything."

So of course I started saying I had another call all the time because some, or all, people aren't that fascinating and talk about diseases that I'm pretty sure they make up which is why no one else will take their calls but me because I'm retarded. I'm talking to you, Pam. (not the non-stick vegetable spray)

So. Pretend Beep. Then I would push the call-waiting button and put them on hold. When I pushed the button again I would get them back and say, "I gotta take this call; it's New York."

Now EVERYONE knows that when you get a call from New York it's automatically more important than a call from any other state. If you say New York people murmur appreciatively and assume you're getting a call from an agent or an invitation to be tied up with neckties while being flown to Atlantic City in a helicopter.* But if you say Kansas the inevitable response is "Can you get rid of them?" So it's always better to get pretend calls from New York.

For years I never told anyone what I did. Then I let it slip to someone (probably the drinking years) and immediately forgot about it. (definitely the drinking years) So the next time I had her on the phone I pulled the "Igottatakethiscallit'sNewYork" and my friend said, "Real New York or Fake New York?"

So I had to phase her out which was fine by me because I'm pretty sure she wasn't dying of the 'Indianitis' that turned her skin darker during the summer while she sat by the pool.

And people say I'm a liar.

*and that, my friends, is what is known as a callback.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #50

The No Limit Honkey?

I have no idea why the owner of this car hasn't moved to Tennessee.

I've posted FIFTY pictures of Los Angeles. Click on the label to see the rest and yes some of them are demented. Mainly all of them.

The Shorty Awards

It's awards season and what would the season mean without The Shorty Awards? Twitter's answer to people we care even less about than TV and movie stars.

Here's the humor category:

Gisele Bündchen - Who doesn't laugh when she hits the catwalk?

José Sarney de Araúj - Who is funnier than a Brazilian Senator from South America who speaks no English?

Chelsea Handler - Okay, fine.

Lisa Cuddy - Dean of Medicine @ Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Some people need to get a life and by some people I mean the delusional person who nominated someone who doesn't exist.

Kevin Sorbo - When you think funny you think Sorbo? Maybe dressed as Hercules, yes.

Suze Orman - Who doesn't laugh when Suze goes over your financial situation with you?

Carlos Mencia - Comic who steals from other comics. This is a non-ironic quote from the person who nominated him: "... watching him perform is like seeing several shows all at once."

Why yes it is.

Stephen Colbert - Okay, yes.

jerry_seinfeld - Still a yes only he doesn't tweet because there aren't enough hours in the day to spend all his money much less stop to tell you what he bought.

In 1st place there are 2152 votes for marlon wayans.

HOWEVER if people knew how to spell his name right then he would have had these votes as well:

501 votes for:

marlonwayans - What a difference a space makes.


And then his fans cost him these votes because they can't spell:

marlonwayens

marlonwayne

marlonlwaysans

marlnonlwayans

marlowayans

marlonlways

marlonswayans

lonlwayans

marlonlwayanssent

marlonwayanss

marloncwayans

marlonwayayns

marlonlwayayns

marionwayans

marlonlwayynes

marlonwayons


In 4th Place is Paula Poundstone with 846 votes.

If her fans had known how to spell her name she'd have more votes too.

paulappundstone

paulapundstone

paulapoundstine

paulapounstone

paulapountstone

So what have we learned here today? You're reading my blog so the obvious answer is "Not much."

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I keep my old journals in a toy chest I got at a thrift store here in L.A. I used to fold all sorts of memorabilia from my trips, my career and my love life into the pages of each one.

Today I have a large typed note on the inside of the lid that reads IF YOU'VE OPENED THIS AND I'M DEAD THEN BURN THE CONTENTS OR I WILL COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU AND THAT MEANS YOU MOM.

I was looking for something the other day. Some remnant of my past, a reminder of a life well-lived, a Best Of Suzy. In the process I found pieces of people I hadn't thought of in a long time.

I live-tweeted about the ex I found in one journal and what I found out about him on Google. I remembered him as the guy who rented a helicopter and flew me to Atlantic City, the guy who always tied me up with his neckties. Google remembered him much differently. And not as fondly.

Then I found this:

Jerry Rubin, founder of the Yippie Movement in the 60's and one of the infamous Chicago 8 was now legit and giving salons in New York City. I have no idea how we met but we obviously traveled in similar circles at some point in time. Whenever I was at one of his parties I would stare at him from across the room and think, "Holy crap, that guy WAS the 60's." I could never quite believe he was now the host of civil get-togethers for New Yorkers. He was and still is widely misquoted as the guy who said "Never trust anyone over 30."

Jerry died in 1994 after being hit by a car on Wilshire Blvd. here in Los Angeles.

I always thought what an unfitting death it was for someone who made such a large footprint within our counter-culture. In the days when people hit the barricades, walked the picket lines, cherry-bombed the police. He woke up the sleeping mediocrity that is suburbia and screamed Attention Must Be Paid. The Government Has It All Wrong. Stop The Madness We Want To Get Off.

And then he passed the hors d'oeuvres.

Top 10 Movies Of 2009

Thanks for asking me back, Soro. Here are my top ten films of the year. Netflix 'em!

As with every year, these are not in order of favorite.

1. Up – Dear Pixar: You treat my top ten lists like an alcoholic, abusive ex-boyfriend. I cross my arms and swear to the heavens to stand my ground every time you show up at the door. I always end up letting you in. A beautiful story and rich in character; it’s hard to believe other studios haven’t caught on to how Pixar does it. But here’s a hint: The public shows up in droves every time.

2. A Serious Man – Dear stomach: I didn’t laugh harder at a film all year.

3. The Hurt Locker – Dear Kathryn Bigelow: Only 3 women in 80 years have been nominated for an Academy Award for best director. It would make my life and a lot of other women's lives much easier if you win. It’s getting harder to inspire my nieces and cousins when all the big stuff in life seems to be unavailable to them simply because they’re women. Presidency, Vice Presidency, walking on the moon, left fielder for the Yankees etc. You ever have to give the, “You can be anything you want to be in life” speech to a little girl? I drink too frigging much to have that kind of pressure. I’m gonna end up one of these times just saying, “Stay thin and you’ll be fine.”

So, win this thing sister, cause like Princess Leia said, “You’re my only hope.”

(This is Suzy. Abeyta just quoted Princess Leia. The world has 5 minutes to live)

4. Up in the Air – Dear Mr. Clooney: How come I never get to sit next to guy that looks like you on a flight?

The last time I flew home the guy next to me wore “overalls.” The pinstriped kind, which begs the question, “Why wouldn’t he just take the train he was going to obviously be driving later to his scheduled destination?” Celebrities always pick unsolvable issues to throw their name and money behind. Cancer? Come on! You guys have been trying for a long time and have spent a lot of cash trying to even make a dent in that evil bastard. Think how good for the nation’s moral it would be if you announced you were going to do something like have George Clooney accompany a passenger on a flight from Los Angeles to New York? Use your powers for good, Mr. Reitman.

5. Avatar – Dear 12 year old me: When you grow up and see this movie you’re going to be pissed that you’re not still 12. Films like Avatar are why we started loving movies in the first place. I love the thought that now some clueless film executive, due to the success of Avatar and The Watchmen, think that we as film goers will want to see more blue people on the big screen. “Naked and blue is what the people want!”

6. Fantastic Mr. Fox – Dear All Pool Cleaners: Wes Anderson films are always a special treat. Like an ice cream or a crystal clear swimming pool on a hot day. Not a public swimming pool, those are gross. Kids always pee in them and they get water in their little pug noses and then just blow it straight back into the pool. Disgusting! So, Fantastic Mr. Fox is like an ice cream or an unpeed-in swimming pool without kid boogers in it.

7. Bronson – Dear Porno Producers: I just love a film that has a hot muscled Brit strip down, cover himself in butter and fight prison guards. Is that weird? It’s not weird right? He also used blood and poop (OK. Maybe it’s a little bit weird.) As my friend BJ eloquently pointed out, “nobody wins in a poop fight.” Director Nicolas Winding Refn delivers a remarkable film and Tom Hardy absolutely nails it and in my opinion is easily the best leading performance by a male this year.

8. In the Loop – Dear England: I felt like I was watching The West Wing so drunk that everybody was British. I mean that as a compliment. Which even I will have to admit is a weird compliment, especially if you’re shouting it, which I’m not because then I would have used caps. This was a smaller film and didn’t get even close to the attention it deserved.

9. Inglourious Basterds – Dear Retarded Casting Directors: You have to love the fact that it appears Quentin Tarantino hasn’t even hit his stride yet. An absolutely gorgeously shot film! I mean parts of it looked like paintings were coming to life. A performance from Christoph Waltz that was so great it actually tore a hole in space and stopped time. He’s fifty-three, which means if you’re a casting agent you should throw yourself into the ocean. HOW DID THIS DUDE MAKE IT TO FIFTY FUCKING THREE AND YOU HAVEN’T PUT HIM IN ANYTHING!?! Does Quentin have to do everything? Jesus! You’re all terrible at your jobs and I wished we were samurai so you would have to fall on your own sword for being so filled with suck.

(Suzy again. 'So filled with suck' - now my favorite way to describe ex-boyfriends)

10. The Bad Lieutenant; Port Of Call New Orleans – Dear Hollywood: Don’t forget just how great Nicolas Cage can be when he finds a project that firmly reminds you that nobody is better at full-on wackadoo. Fearless. Amazing. Hilarious.

The more than honorable mentions:

Crazy Heart
Watchmen
Star Trek
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Thirst, Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Observe and Report
Moon
District 9
The Informant!
World’s Greatest Dad
Away We Go
It Might Get Loud
Paranormal Activity
Black Dynamite

If I Could Start My Blog Over

I've been blogging for 3 years and 4 months and have logged in 720 posts. Some of the bloggers who have been at it since 2001, like Fussy and Dooce?

GOOD GOD, y'all.

Did that sound like James Brown? It was supposed to. And if you don't know who James Brown is stop reading my blog and go to itunes via Wikipedia.

Every now and again I think what I could have done differently if I had insight into what 3 years of blogging would look like. What would I change?

1. Not blog as much the first year. That's when you're all excited and think every thought in your head will be written gold. You will regret this when year 3 looms and you realize you're not as fascinating as you think you are.

2. Upload pictures to every post. I think if James Joyce had put them in Ulysses, we all might not only have read it but understood it. And if you don't know who James Joyce is stop reading my blog and go to the library via Wikipedia.

3. Write shorter posts. No one likes to read paragraph after paragraph after paragraph. Of course this post is turning out to be just that. And with no pictures. But I claim to have won an Emmy on my sidebar so buyer beware.

4. Not make my blog name so lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. The line is from my novel, His Dead Wife. I have no idea what I would have called it instead. Something short. Like, *.

5. Run ads sooner. I have no issues with monetizing my blog. I like money, even in small amounts. Very small amounts.

6. Get a custom header. I didn't do this until maybe a year and a half into blogging. A custom header makes readers believe that you care about your blog and its content. Of course nothing could be further from the truth.

7. Always remember who you are, right from the jump. Find your voice and stick with it. People come to expect Chocolate. Don't give them Strawberry and then Dulce de Leche and then back to Chocolate. (What the fuck am I talking about?) Film star James Dean was great at branding himself. He always played the dark and brooding outsider. And if you don't know who James Dean is go rent a movie via Wikipedia.

Sidebar: Christopher Reeve didn't want to be known as Superman. Didn't want to be branded. And look what happened there.

And now I want ice cream.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

There is no recession for the rich:

From overstock.com on January 2.

Platinum 10ct TDW GIA Certified Diamond Ring (F, VVS2) (Size 6.5) $1,111,111.00

I went back on January 6 to check on the status because you know, I was thinking of buying it and found this:

Today: $999,999.90

Sold out! This product is not in stock.

To me, the funniest part of this listing was that it was at Overstock.com. As in items people can't unload or have too many of. And then in 4 days it's gone. And why did they put a zero at the end of the new price instead of a 9? That will keep me up for days.

I don't mean to judge (much) because I love this website. I bought a purse from them once and it came faster than a 15 year old boy having sex for the first time. It trumps EBay because their items are always high end and their return policy (5 days) is reasonable. I don't mean to judge (again) but I love EBay as well.

The important part of this post is that neither company has paid me to talk about them or push their wares. And that is just wrong at every level.

End of chat.

Someone Has A Shopping Problem

The only items in this photo that I brought to L.A. from New York were the table, the kilim and the 1950's era vase.
The only thing that remains of my dining room above is the office below and yes it's the same space.

The Vaginaplasty - Explained

On December 25th I picked up Christmas dinner at Izzy's on 15th and Wilshire and took Wilshire all the way down to the coast. I turned right onto Ocean Avenue and got my first glimpse of the Pacific. As many times as I see it break in front of me, I'm always astounded by the beauty of this part of California. I coasted to a red light next to the California Incline, which veered off to my left.

It's the ramp that those people below are waiting to cross. The ramp that slopes down onto the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH), that glorious hunk of asphalt that hugs the California coastline for miles and miles and offers you a taste of what The Beach Boys sang about back in the 1960's. It's not a road you navigate drunk as it zigzags more than lightening.Sidebar: When my sister Lindy was dating Johnny Carson, he lived on the ocean in Malibu. You had to wait for oncoming traffic to subside on PCH before turning left into his place. Then it would take about 15 minutes to back out of his driveway. Nobody stops to let you in or out on PCH unless you toss a hooker onto the middle of the road.

So on Christmas Day Lindy and I were talking about sex, because we're those sisters who always ask each other about the other one's sex life. It can be a dicey conversation as I learned the day many years ago when she told me about her motorcycle riding boyfriend and the time they stopped for gas so she could go to the bathroom. The boyfriend followed her into a stall and she gave him a blow job.

As disgusted as I was at the thought of anyone having any kind of sex in a gas station bathroom, I knew Lindy had never peed on a public toilet seat in her life because she always sat on her hands. So I had to give her props for the "Look ma no hands blow job." There are no classes for that you know.

Anyway, we finished watching It's Complicated and Lindy casually mentioned The Vaginaplasty. I asked her what it was and she said she heard about it on Dr. Oz.

DR. PERVY OZ, Oprah's minion.

If you're having a lot of pain during sex, see a doctor. And they're not talking about a headache because gynecologists' offices would be filled around the clock.

It means that the vagina has shrunk and the walls have thinned and who wants candy?

Or a picture of the Pacific from Lindy's building?
The vaginaplasty stretches out the vagina and puts it back in working order. Working order? So it can go back to secretarial work?

If you're reading this and have crossed your legs and tightened your butt in the process then congratulations, you know why men do the same when hit in the groin by an overactive 3 year old on America's Funniest Home Videos.

The sad thing is that no woman will probably ever share this particular experience with you. No one will meet you for mojitos and explain that their vagina needed a tune-up.

End of chat.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #49

Out of the Closet thrift stores give away free condoms and free HIV tests. We love them.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Some advice for the year 2010:

1. Never speak poorly about yourself. Guard your failures as you would your children, or in my case, an Almond Joy.

Talk smack about others though because if not? No reason to live.

2. Engage the disenfranchised and the lonely. Make them feel wanted.

Then take their picture so you can make fun of them on the Internet.

3. Choose your friends wisely. After the party ends, they will be the only ones left. Although they might be disguised as bill collectors.

I'd like to thank every single person who has stopped by my blog and not been offended. I realize how hard that must have been.

Now get out there and kick some ass.

Preferably not mine.