Monday, November 03, 2008

Sex And The Baby Mama

I did not get an extra hour of sleep over the weekend because my fucking neighbors were HAMMERING shit at 1:00 am Saturday, which I guess they thought was only MIDNIGHT so why not? I have grown to loathe them. Well not the wife, she's always quiet. It's the husband. Does he think, "Well, it's 1:00 a.m. so everyone's asleep so it's a perfect time to hammer?" HAMMERING WAKES PEOPLE UP, ASSHOLE.

I used to have only two top bad movies on my list: 1. Convoy and 2. Hairspray, with John Revolta. But they have both been bumped down a notch to add Baby Mama to the number one spot. I love Tina Fey and think she's done a lot for women in comedy. She's such a huge success that people don't automatically say Women Aren't Funny anymore because her name comes rolling out as the first argument. So yay for Tina but Baby Mama is a mess and why didn't the writer, Michael Something, let her HELP HIM WITH THE SCRIPT? It's hacky, badly edited and a waste of a normally funny cast: Steve Martin, Amy Poehler, Sigourney Weaver with THE stupidest D plot I've ever seen, Holland Taylor, Maura Tierney and Greg Kinnear, who is one of my former husbands.

I finally saw Sex and the City. Clothes were fabulous but soooooo much product placement. The wedding gown sequence + Vogue angle in particular. I'm wondering how much editor Anna Wintour paid for that? (Project Runway went to her before Elle Magazine and Anna turned them down so I don't think she'll be turning down anything else after that mistake.) Saw only two major accessory mistakes, one on Samantha and one on Charlotte. You can't wear 3" drop earrings with a major necklace. Since the earrings in question looked exactly the same, I couldn't help but think that Pat Field was doing some jeweler a solid.

I had been warned that the Samantha plot line was messed up. I think they put her in California AND made her fat because of the well known financial donnybrook between her and SJP. When is someone going to tell Sarah Jessica that when you have small eyes, you CANNOT rim your inside bottom lid because it will make you look like a reptile? When? Am I the only Makeup and Accessory Police Officer on duty these days?

The movie kinda depressed me. That movie was my life before I went into comedy. It was me, my sister, Jane the model, and Liz the flight attendant. The only labels we could afford back then were Vuitton, the 'old' brown ones. NO ONE had Chanel or Valentino but the insanely wealthy. But we all went to Paris a lot and Liz traveled around the world so we always had avant garde jewelry and purses. Jane spent a lot of time in Japan right before Japan owned everything and she had model stuff to die for, especially shoes. We never left home before 11 pm and Jane knew every hot nightclub and party in town. Restaurants weren't the cool place to be seen then, unless you counted Elaine's. We were all much wilder than the Sex girls and we would never have allowed a "Charlotte" to hang with us. Or we would have, just to take turns slapping her. And designer shoes? No such thing back then.

My sister had more flowers delivered to her than any other woman I've ever met. She was once in Paris and complaining to her boyfriend at the time that she missed me so he flew me and my dog to Morocco to meet them. Another time she was at JFK with another boyfriend, on their way to Europe, when his ex-girlfriend showed up and made such a scene that he sent my sister home and took the ex to Europe. Roses arrived about thirty minutes after she did. The days before 9/11 were SO much easier to navigate.

Old New York was so much more fun than today's city. People did not have to move to Brooklyn because Manhattan was too expensive. Downtown was not chic, but funky, and anyone who considered themselves any kind of artist always moved to NY. Now NY seems like Connecticut. Too much money and not enough imagination. They should just rename the city Trumpville.

End of chat.


  1. You're damned right about product placement in SATC. It was a disgrace.

    Greetings from London.

  2. If I saw SATC I would have to punch my eyes out and throw them in the bin. Then, the lobotomy. And now, for my (seeminlgly) non sequitur. I l-o-v-e Vivienne Westwood.

    Boss O

  3. I've never seen SATC. Not even the show. I just don't know if I could relate. Ha!

    And I freaking LOVE Tina Fey. I have dreams about getting her to review my books and write the foreward.

  4. Product placement never bothers me. Maybe because I'm just so unaware it's going on - I'm usually too busy watching the show or movie...
    When we used to camp, if people kept us up late with their antics, we got up at 6am and started banging pots and pans together outside their tents - they got the message!

  5. Is "former husband" for real, or is it a joke like "imaginary boyfriend"?

  6. Anonymous5:23 AM

    Thank you! Here I was thinking I am the only person who thought Baby Mama sucked big time. I was disappointed.

    And I don't particularly like SJP all the time- sometimes she looks great but most of the time, well she needs a nose job- she is one of those people who NEEDS a nose job. Period. End of story.

  7. Gee... it's just a hammer... you're making it sound like they were blasting dynamite or something! Sheesh!

    Of course, I'm typing this because I was awakened at 6:00am by idiots slamming doors in the hotel room next to mine, so maybe I'm just trying to compensate for being so sensitive?

  8. Hi Suzy.....I confess. My sister has all six seasons of SATC. I watched all of it in 2 weeks. I must be going through man-o-pause......Peace, Mike.

  9. Big fan of Tina! BIG! But I didn't think I'd like Baby Mama so I was just waiting for it to show up on HBO or something I could tune out if it sucked without feeling ripped off. Glad to see my reluctance was justified.

    On the other end of the spectrum, I've never been one of SJP's fans and especially not SATC. I bet you guys were much more interesting and fun!

  10. That was a great post. I'm fascinated by your SATC life. What stories!

    I looked forward to seeing Baby Momma so much. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are just SO good. I never even finished the movie - bleh.

  11. SATC sucked. Baby Mama sucked. And I liked your last comment the best of all, "too much money and not enough imagination." That is true of SO MUCH these days.

  12. I am fascinated by your SATC life too. Love to hear more.

    I didn't get Steve Martin's character at all although i see what they were going was a waste of a lot of talent...still I love all those actors.

  13. I think my dad summed up SATC best when he was forced to watch it by his girlfriend. He said, "I hated the one with the nose. But I liked the big whore."

  14. Anonymous2:36 PM

    I was hired by a local newspaper to review Baby Mama. They also paid for the tickets for me and a guest as well as dinner after the movie. I was extremely disappointed. I didn't want to trash it totally, as I am usually a huge Fey/Pohler fan, so I said things like, "not the best movie ever made." There was one good line, when the Amy Pohler character is getting anesthesia and asks, "What's the street name of this drug?"
    Martha Jane

  15. SATC was a disappointment--but living like that would give you quite the collection of stories to tell.

  16. I never watched the show SATC on TV but I liked the movie. Even though I am not a SJP fan, I still liked her character.
    I love hearing about your past (and present) adventures.

  17. I agree with you on both movies.

    I ordered Baby Mama this weekend thinking "It's Tina Fey! I can't go wrong"

    I went wrong. I went so far wrong I then decided again to never have any kids.

  18. Sounds so glamorous! They should make a Southern SATC. I can just picture it: Charlotte from SATC, Jamie Lynn Spears, Jan Crouch, Gladys Kravitz, all sitting around drinking sweet tea and eating fried green tomatoes...I'm going to stop now because I can just imagine where this is going and I don't like it.

    Hey, who do I have to sleep with to get on your blogroll?