I woke up this morning and shuffled into the bathroom and got a glimpse of my feet. I jumped and thought, "Oh my GOD, my feet are bleeding."
See yesterday's post if you don't get that.
Web MD is the devil. Trying to discover why my hands are still numb and my upper arms are unusable and clicking from page to page and symptom to symptom it appears I might actually have died a few years ago.
"The Secret Service also has cautioned the public not to assume that any threats against Obama are due to racism." What's it from then? His height? The Secret Service detail must be leftover Bushites, i.e. STUPID.
Lindsay Lohan got flower sacked in Paris when she showed up wearing a fur. I can't believe PETA asks people not to wear fur. Maybe I should ask them to stop wearing crocs. Or clothes that don't match. Or to throw on a lipstick. All of that kills MY SOUL but I don't tell other people how to live or what to do. When they were throwing paint on 130,000 fur coats, I'm hoping that some of the celebrities sued for destroying personal property. I'm not wearing a dachshund, PETA, fuck off.
My family and I have reconciled and my sister has come over once a week to help me, which has saved my life. She's like the Cleaning Whisperer. Sponges, pots and pans, and detergent all gather around her legs when she enters the kitchen.
At one aisle in Mayfair Market we both exclaimed "Oh wow, look!" I turned to her and she was pointing to some unpronounceable foreign bottled water while I was pointing to those new Strawberry Eggos. Twins!
She even let me drive her new BMW as soon as I removed my hands from around her throat. So come Monday, AAA to jump start my car and then Thanksgiving down at some friend's beautiful home in the jewel of Southern California, Malibu. They have one bathroom with the most outstanding tile work I've ever seen. EVER.
They finally cancelled Monk after 9 painful years of Tony Shaloub making the same 3 faces over and over. We got it. OCD. NINE YEARS OF OCD.
"Crackalackin" has replaced "Mamma Mia" as the most obnoxious words on television.
End of chat.