Friday, November 21, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I woke up this morning and shuffled into the bathroom and got a glimpse of my feet. I jumped and thought, "Oh my GOD, my feet are bleeding."

See yesterday's post if you don't get that.

Web MD is the devil. Trying to discover why my hands are still numb and my upper arms are unusable and clicking from page to page and symptom to symptom it appears I might actually have died a few years ago.

"The Secret Service also has cautioned the public not to assume that any threats against Obama are due to racism." What's it from then? His height? The Secret Service detail must be leftover Bushites, i.e. STUPID.

Lindsay Lohan got flower sacked in Paris when she showed up wearing a fur. I can't believe PETA asks people not to wear fur. Maybe I should ask them to stop wearing crocs. Or clothes that don't match. Or to throw on a lipstick. All of that kills MY SOUL but I don't tell other people how to live or what to do. When they were throwing paint on 130,000 fur coats, I'm hoping that some of the celebrities sued for destroying personal property. I'm not wearing a dachshund, PETA, fuck off.

My family and I have reconciled and my sister has come over once a week to help me, which has saved my life. She's like the Cleaning Whisperer. Sponges, pots and pans, and detergent all gather around her legs when she enters the kitchen.

At one aisle in Mayfair Market we both exclaimed "Oh wow, look!" I turned to her and she was pointing to some unpronounceable foreign bottled water while I was pointing to those new Strawberry Eggos. Twins!

She even let me drive her new BMW as soon as I removed my hands from around her throat. So come Monday, AAA to jump start my car and then Thanksgiving down at some friend's beautiful home in the jewel of Southern California, Malibu. They have one bathroom with the most outstanding tile work I've ever seen. EVER.

They finally cancelled Monk after 9 painful years of Tony Shaloub making the same 3 faces over and over. We got it. OCD. NINE YEARS OF OCD.

"Crackalackin" has replaced "Mamma Mia" as the most obnoxious words on television.

End of chat.


  1. I'm so glad you are hanging out with your sister. That's cool. And pardon my ignorance, but whatever is "'crackalackin?" I watch TV and all, and that one has clearly slipped right on by this ding-a-ling. You know you are my go to girl on all things cool since I am so not.

  2. So you'll be posting a photo of the tile, right? Right?? C'mon - I rarely leave my house and need the vicarious thrill of other people's potty tile in my life!!

    Not that I know you or your family, but I'm glad you're reconnecting. You never know when you'll need a kidney...

    I never watched Monk - I was worried it would aggravate my own OCD, which I just don't need; it's aggravating enough on its own.

    Does anyone besides Chris Rock actually say "crackalackin"? And what does it mean??

    My poor beloved English is huddled in a quivering heap in the corner, weeping and hugging itself. Sigh.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  3. Me and Kyddryn - that's 2 who want pictures of the tile. Is that a majority?

    Monk? Not so much.

    Chris Rock - OK, but "crackalackin"? That would be a "NO!"

  4. I am not going to be able to stop laughing, EVER!
    What's with flour? At least it will dry clean out. I'm sure it did more damage to her hair.
    I am glad your back with your family. I'm letting my mother come for TG so she can continue with her generous Hanukka gifts for the kids.
    I can't believe Monk had more seasons than Buffy.
    I don't think I can pull off "Crackalackin", but I'll try tonight at work.
    Oh and I want pics of the tiles, especially because I am remaking my bathroom.

  5. Thank you for saying what you did about PETA. When I read the first line of that paragraph I prepared myself for some Lohan bashing. I was pleasantly surprised when it was quite the opposite. PETA is probably the most annoying group around. Yes, even more annoying than the Jehova's Witnesses. Yeah, I said it.

  6. so funny. Me love you. Peace, Mike.

  7. This is so funny. I love that you went after PETA and not Lohan.

  8. Merecat, crackalackin is from Chris Rock's new film, whose name I've blocked. Madagascar 2 maybe?

    Jami, Heidi and kyddryn, OF course I will take tile pics.

    Sully and Infant, I HATE Peta with a passion for their violence. Followed by anti-abortionists who KILL doctors in the name of saving a fetus. Have your opinions, you're entitled to them, just dont add violence to the mix.

    Mike, thanks kiddo.

  9. If you could see what my e-mail inbox is filled with, you'd be surprised at all the reasons someone might decide to go after our President-elect. It's making me sick, and I cannot believe these people are my friends. I'm sorry, as an avowed centrist, I must say that the Right is truly messed up. (I wanted to use stronger language there, but my 6-year-old is reading over my shoulder.) I mean, crazy (and not in a good way).


  10. Suburban, that's why we're such a stupid country AND violent. I havent gotten any negative emails against Obama but some idiots are STILL talking about Palin. Hello assholes, IT'S OVER. Grow up.

  11. Holy crap, that Monk show was still ON???

    Oh, PETA, please...I saw one photo of a PETA protester being dragged off a catwalk, holding a sign saying FUR IS DEAD. The caption read, "I sure as hell hope so...I wouldn't wear a LIVE animal."

  12. I haven't heard "Crackalackin" I guess I'm blessed?

  13. maybe she would like to clean my kitchen too

  14. The cleaning whisperer--that cracks me up big time. I'm sure that's whay my sister would say about me if she were still alive.

    I touched up my red toenail polish before I went to the Dr.'s Thursday, must have gotten a smear and had your exact reaction while I was in the stirrups.

    Is this the first time you've called him Obama? I'm just used to seeing "the Manorexic."

    Family reunions are generally great for a while--I hope your's is!

  15. it appears I might actually have died a few years ago.

    God damn girl, you crack me up.

    I likey.